Comments for: The Princess and the Horse Lord
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4 Comments
The Princess and the Horse Lord
Ti'ana Luthien - 24 Feb 06 - 10:51 AM
Oh, a wonderful installment oshun! The intensity that characterized your first meeting of Eomer & Lothiriel is still there, and the characterization continues to be excellent.
Specific notes:
*Imrahil's sudden gravity intrigues me - I wonder how he's going to react to all of this.
*I love your Elves!
*"Flirting with Elves, my love? I should make you pay for that." Ha! I LOVE that line!!
Nitpicks:
*I spotted Elphir and Prince Imrahil and rushed toward them.
Since this is Lothiriel's direct thought, would she think of her father as "Prince Imrahil"?
*Imrahil nodded gravely, his eyes darkening, and replied, "Of course, go for a stroll. Have your talk and enjoy the day."
Given the lines of dialogue that come before and after, this line sounds a tad too modern.
I look forward to seeing more :D
~Ti
The Princess and the Horse Lord
oshun - 24 Feb 06 - 2:06 PM
Ti'ana, Thanks for your thoughtful comments. I'm glad you're enjoying the story. The devil is in the details!
"Imrahil nodded gravely, his eyes darkening, and replied, "Of course, go for a stroll. Have your talk and enjoy the day." Given the lines of dialogue that come before and after, this line sounds a tad too modern.
You nailed that one! (Blush) I am still stewing about how to express what he is feeling here! It would have been more honest of me to have him say, "What the heck is going on with you two? Well, go ahead, I'm not going to stop you. I'll figure out what's up later." I guess that doesn't work either?? Oh, the torture of writing! Anyway, I'll get there eventually. Thanks again and I am taking all of your points on both chapters and working through them.
The Princess and the Horse Lord
Bardess - 26 Feb 06 - 4:05 PM
The Princess and the Horse Lord
oshun - 26 Feb 06 - 4:52 PM
Bardess:
On the Cormallen chapter, there is followup in the next chapter, relating to how Imrahil sees the development of the apparently sudden relationship. But I agree that I may need to beef up Imrahil's appreciation of the situation in this one as well--it's on my mind. I appeciate the language suggestion. I will look foward to your comments after some "clean up."
Thanks again, as always. I am glad you liked the fair.
