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Comments for: The Princess and the Horse Lord

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3 Comments

 
 

The Princess and the Horse Lord

Ti'ana Luthien - 24 Feb 06 - 10:34 AM

Ch. 5: In Dreams We Meet Again

Hi oshun!

This chapter might have been difficult for you, but I believe you mostly pulled it off. My few quibbles are minor:

The change from Eowyn's point of view to Lothiriel's doesn't flow; when it happens, you may want to widen the space between paragraphs or use asterisks to mark the change.

Secondly, this line here caught my attention as feeling rather too modern for the tone you've set and the general style of your writing:

"You may be right. I was furious earlier because poor Ioreth tried to tell me things are returning to normal, because we received a new supply of food that included eggs," Lothíriel admitted grudgingly. "But I want to stop thinking about all that.[...]"

Last, the ending feels rather abrupt (from when Lothiriel goes to ask Eowyn to journey with her to Ithilien and on), so you might want to fill it out a little more...

Apart from that, I very much enjoyed this chapter - the dream sequences were especially nice, as was the moment where you described Faramir & Eowyn's hair mingling in the wind. You took a classic moment and made it fresh - kudos!

~Ti :)

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The Princess and the Horse Lord

Bardess - 26 Feb 06 - 3:51 PM

Ch. 5: In Dreams We Meet Again

I had a bit of trouble reading and noting the transition from Lothiriel's dream to Eowyn's dream.

"Suit yourself." sounds like a pretty modern phrase. How about the ubiquitous "As you wish." from The Princess Bride delivered with a bit more oomph?

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The Princess and the Horse Lord

oshun - 26 Feb 06 - 4:20 PM

Ch. 5: In Dreams We Meet Again

Bardess, thanks for your useful comments.
I had a bit of trouble reading and noting the transition from Lothíriel's dream to Éowyn's dream.
You are not the only person to have complained about that particular transition. I am not sure how I will fix it at this point, but it is "on my list."
The "pretty modern phrase" you note is part of a clunker waiting for a fix--I like your advice on using as part of it "the ubiquitous 'As you wish.'"

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