A Mirkwood Spider Landed On My Front Porch: 6. Lock Your Doors

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6. Lock Your Doors

Chapter Six

Lock Your Doors!

My life is never dull. Well, it used to be, before I discovered The Lord of the Rings and related books, movies and characters therein. But when the characters MOVED in, life ceased ever resembling dull. Nope. Not a moment of it. Between the guys yelling as they watch WWF (Námo is thinking of joining and becoming a wrestler if he can sweet talk Vairë into it), Thranduil arguing with Glorfindel over hair grooming products, Legolas running and screaming from Mary Whatshername, Gimli baking to rival Martha Stewart and the twins and their mooning trips to Starbucks… Well it couldn't get worse, right?

RIGHT?

Of course it could. And did. The day I opened The Silmarillion. See, I needed to figure out just who Lord Námo was, and book opening seemed to have jiggled the space time continuum from the Third Age of Middle-earth to the FIRST Age. Personally, I think Námo was tired of some of his 'guests' and got Aulë to adjust it. Or maybe it's a practical joke of Morgoth's? However it happened, I opened my closet door one day to find another gloriously golden and naked elf…trying on my shoes!

Thus came Finrod. I guess being torn apart by werewolves will really mess you up. Now I have a fight on my hands any time I want to go out. At least if I want to wear MY clothes!

The conversations usually go something like this:

Finrod: "I was going to wear that!"

Me: "It's MY dress!"

Finrod: "I don't care! It looks better on ME!"

Me: *sigh* "Who am I to argue with a cross-dressing once dead King of Nargathrond?"

By the way, he is NOT a natural blond. He uses some kind of berry bleach. It works on his head hair. But other, um, hair is…um…red. Orange really. Think The General Lee orange, like a beacon announcing his, er… Oh, never mind. It's not really worth announcing! Felagund? Hewer of caves? Not with THAT miniscule equipment!

Ahem… I digress. My clothing budget has tripled. I make Finrod help pay for it though. He got a gig down at this place up the road where he sings those songs of power and gets pretty good tips. Whatever, so long as it pays for his dresses and high heels! Though we really did NOT need one more golden haired male elf arguing over the use of the bathroom and forced to share a single blow dryer! MY bathroom now has a pad lock on it. They have to share the other one.

And it seems Finrod didn't come alone, for the next thing I knew, his family relations were turning up left and right. Like Maedhros and Maglor, who turned up in aquariums. As fish. I'm thinking it's punishment for the kinslaying or something. Maedhros only has one fin, like Nemo. It's charming actually; he swims in circles while Maglor blows bubbles that pop in the most interesting tunes. Being a fish hasn't harmed his musical ability one bit.

And then there's Pops. At least that's what the twins call him. You know, Finarfin, King of the Noldor, father of that bitch Galadriel? Oh don't look at me like that! I did not call her that! HE calls her that! "That bitch, Galadriel, my daughter." Seems he's pissed at her for leaving Aman in search of power. Never mind she now mopes and cries that her ring doesn't work anymore. Personally, it looks like something she got out of a box of cereal! Glorfindel assures me that's EXACTLY where she got it. Just between you and me, she's not that impressive. I'm thinking she paid someone off to get the passages she got in the books, because that strong leader she's portrayed as? Nope. Not seeing it.

And Celeborn? He's never forgiven Thingol for arranging that marriage and lying about it being a love match. He mopes about a lot, muttering about that damn Ring of his wife's and glaring at anything and anyone. I introduced him to Galion so now he's usually drunk and making up drinking songs about uses for that ring of Galadriel's. But I digress. I'm sure you have no interest in Galadriel's Ring Pop.

It was around this time that the spider developed an affection for wine. The warg calls it an addiction, Glorfindel calls it an obsession and blames Thranduil for sharing the Dorwinion, something Thranduil vehemently denies since he doesn't share his wine with anyone! But regardless of who got her hooked on it, since she started drinking, she's been far more fickle in giving me stories to tell.

And that warg, I never did get around to really telling HIS side of the story (and honestly, I couldn't really do so in a PG-13 rated fic!), but suffice to say that his romance musings are never ending, though his thoughts jump from one story to another so quickly I can't keep up, let alone write them down! But you never know when something might turn up authored by that elusive and playful Warg.

And so dear readers, it seems I have come to the end of this tale. Believe me when I say that life is never dull around my house, and if for some reason you should awake and find yourself stuck in a giant web on your front porch, DO NOT make a deal with the spider! Your life will never be the same! And be sure to check your closets (or bathrooms, laundry rooms, dishwashers) carefully for signs of marauding (and naked) elves, for once they enter your home, you are stuck with them for life!

And that scratching at the back door? Ignore it. In fact, keep it locked tight! For if you feed it, it won't leave. Trust me on that.

The End


This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Nieriel Raina

Status: General

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 07/02/11

Original Post: 07/02/11

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