A Mirkwood Spider Landed On My Front Porch: 5. Hide the Car Keys!

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5. Hide the Car Keys!

Chapter Five

Hide the Car Keys!

So, I know what you're thinking. How can I possibly top Glorfindel showing up naked, or walking in on Thranduil sitting on the toilet, or even Erestor watching WWF. If only life had remained so dull! One can wish, right?

Life moved on at it's usual pace (which around here is nonstop madness!). Legs the spider continued to dictate stories (she's quite the tyrant) and even the warg's muse grew and I found myself writing romances mixed in with the usual angst, friendship and humor story. I threw myself into the writing and tried to just accept the strange household I had come to have. After all, before I watched those movies, life was rather dull, and now it was full of elves, dwarves, and strange creatures. And Glorfindel in my bed (that's the best part, I admit.)

But nothing could have prepared me for what came next. Those who had come out of the closet (or bathroom) were nothing compared to the day I found the sons of Elrond in my car.

Yea, in my car — DRIVING IT! Did you know they could drive? Neither did I! Scary thought, isn't it? Turns out they have a Starbucks addiction. Not that I'm complaining, so long as they remember to bring me those vanilla bean scones.

Okay, so maybe Starbucks and driving don't quite compare to Erestor watching WWF in bike shorts, (Damn, he looks hot in those things, but don't tell Glorfindel I said so, okay?) and if that were it, I'd not have a story to tell. Elves that drive isn't such a new concept in fanfiction, but have you ever seen them show off by driving everywhere in reverse? With their identical twin mooning other drivers out the back window? I mean, can you imagine the conversations I've had with law enforcement officials?

"No officer, I'm not certain whose…er, rear end that was in my car."

"No sir, I did not report my car stolen because I didn't think you'd believe me when I said elves stole my car." (Yes, WE know they're really peredhil, but it's not like your average police officer will know what peredhil are so trying to explain it only gets you in deeper. Trust me.)

I know, I know, you're thinking, there she goes with the typical practical jokester twins. How cliché can you get, right? Well, first of all, have YOU met them? I had no control over them, and yes, at first, they were quite the pranksters, until I got to know them a bit better. Once you dig deeper you find they have deep emotional issues and the pranks are only their way of acting out. I'm pretty sure it's got something to do with having to endure Glorfindel's and Erestor's arguing for nearly an age. I know I've only had to endure it for a few years and it's driving me up the walls! Why, I'm tempted to join the twins next trip and moon people myself! Of course, they'd get off scot-free, and I'd get arrested…


It was another typical day, and the twins were on a Starbucks/mooning run in my car, while I was stuck at home with my 'houseguests' when instead of a thump or bump, I heard…music. I don't know how else to describe the sound. Not quite like bells chiming, but not fabricated like a keyboard's imitation of bells chiming, but something more…dramatic and deep, like windchimes made from trash cans being played by an oliphant. And did I mention the air sparkled?

I blinked, rubbed my eyes, and looked again. The air shimmered and the sound grew. It sounded like…well, I'd say singing, but it was more like cows dying. Then the next thing I knew there was this dark, foreboding guy standing in my living room. He looked like the ultimate Goth or Emo: Pale skin, long blue-black hair (obviously a dye job!) held back in elf braids (everyone seems to mimic the elves) and black, black clothes like I've never seen before in a style to DIE for! I just LOVED his clothes and thought I simply must raid his closet sometime.

At least until some other guy stepped around him and announced the Emo dude as the Lord of Mandos before disappearing into thin air.

Yea, really, the Lord of Mandos, in MY living room. Whodathunkit? I didn't even know who he was, not having read the Silmarillion yet.

"Nice to meet you," I said. "Cool clothes."

All around me, the elves all trembled in terror. Even the spider hid her face behind her eight legs, causing her to nearly fall off her web. The warg ran howling into the bedroom and clambered under the bed. Gimli slipped into the kitchen to bake cookies. I started to get concerned. I'd never seen any of these guys act like this before. And just as the Vala opened his mouth to speak (probably some Doom by the way the elves were shaking and crying), the twins returned with trays of Starbucks and bags of scones.

To my surprise, Námo took one look at my frothy vanilla bean Frappacino and swiped it right up! Then he ate my scones.

No one eats my scones! Or steals my Frappacino!

To say I was a bit put out would be putting it mildly. I grabbed the nearest thing I could find, which happened to be Legolas's bow (he was hiding behind the sofa from some scary girl with multicolored hair, a toothy smile and some sparkly Cinderella dress that looked to come from the Disney store. Mary Something or other (that's her name) showed up not long after Legolas did, claiming Legs was her one true love. We usually throw her right back out but she keeps coming back, even if you fill her full of arrows). Anyway, I grabbed Legolas's bow and cracked it over the Lord of Mandos' head!

Did you know Lord Námo has a sense of humor? Did you know that Legolas screams like a girl if you take his bow? Did you know elves can snort coffee out their noses? Did you know that dwarves wear silk underwear… Um… scratch that last.

Seems no one has never, ever challenged the Lord of Mandos concerning anything. Everyone is too afraid of him because he's the 'Doomsman of Arda' whatever that is. Turns out he has a really great laugh, and was only just looking for a good time and had heard about some fractured port in time and space that everyone had been slipping through and thought he'd come check it out.

And after quickly reading the Silmarillion to see who the heck he was, I could only think "Great, how does one entertain the Vala of Death?" Turns out he likes WWF too, quickly developed a Starbucks addiction to rival the twins, and instead of mooning people, he flashes them.

And I thought the Balrog slayer was nicely hung!

Note to self: Never, ever ogle a married Vala, no matter how naked he may be. As petite as Vairë is, she's quite terrifying when someone shows any interest in her man. Think Medusa on crack and you'll have a good idea what I mean. Took Námo back home by his ear, she did. He still sneaks in from time to time, but since I've moved, Vairë hasn't found us again.

If only I could say the same for Fëanor…

To Be Continued as the Muse Strikes…

This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Nieriel Raina

Status: General

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 07/02/11

Original Post: 07/02/11

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