A Mirkwood Spider Landed On My Front Porch: 3. What Came Out of the Closet

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3. What Came Out of the Closet

Chapter Three: What Came Out of the Closet

Now I should back up a bit and explain that when Legs started spinning these great tales of her world, something incredible happened. One night, there was a thump in my closet – do you get thumps in your closet? I do. Frequently. And that night, well, it was before I understood just what all was going on, so I opened the closet door and found…not what I expected, for sure!

See, I discovered an elf and a dwarf in my closet! Together. No, not like that! They are not gay! At least, I don't think they are. That would be really awkward. Anyway, they were arguing and bickering and well, they were just plain annoying if you ask me. But since it's not every day an elf and a dwarf show up (at least it wasn't an everyday occurrence back then!), I invited them out of the closet, and we sat down and got comfy and chatted. Legolas and Gimli haven't left since. Not once. I've asked them to go…repeatedly. They refuse. In the end, I had to just accept they were here to stay.

Gimli took over the kitchen (he makes THE best omlettes!) and Legolas took over the laundry and cleaning (can we say neat freak?). At first, that was all great! I mean, a dwarf who cooks and an elf to do the housekeeping? Heaven, right?


They argue. All the time. Twenty-four/seven. And about the stupidest things! And they interrupt Legs as she's dictating to me, and add things to the story. But they never agree on how things happened and the next thing I know, I've got brawling going on! Right there in my living room! Sheesh! Have you tried to write with an elf and a dwarf brawling? The only way to break them up is to bring out the ale and wine.

But at first, it was really cool to have them here. I was fascinated by them both. Okay, I drooled all over the elf the first week, but let me tell you something, it is NOT what you think, having a sexy hunk of elf living with you! Don't you DARE leave the lid to the toilet open! Or a glass in the sink! Don’t even THINK about walking across the rug with your shoes on. You learn fast to be clean when an elf draws a sharp blade just because you forgot and ate a cookie on the sofa!

Gimli is easier to have around, though he is also the source of much of the bickering. He's not such a neat freak. He's more like me…a complete slob. But he's a good cook, so I don't complain much, though he drinks all my beer. I'm more of a wine person myself, but the elf drinks all that. I've been reduced to tossing back the cooking sherry. Still, all in all, it was doable. My house was clean (just not the kitchen. Gimli makes a huge mess and Legolas refuses to clean up after him), the laundry done, my meals cooked and we were never lacking for entertainment.

So I was rather surprised when I heard another thump coming from the closet. Noting from the loud ruckus in the laundry room that it was neither the elf nor the dwarf, I moseyed to my closet and my hand reached for the knob. I hesitated, because after a couple months with the brawlers, I was leery of anything else happening. And I still had the spider, who had become rather preachy, and the warg, who had began singing romantic comedy theme songs at the drop of a hat, to deal with.

I shrugged. After all that, nothing would phase me, right? Right? I turned the knob…

But wait! I've completely lost track of my previous tale. I was explaining about the warg and his propensity for romance. Drauglin (that's the warg) took over the story telling from time to time, as I said. He never tires of telling a good romance, though sometimes it takes him a LONG time to complete them. For instance, he started this one tale three years ago and just finished it last month. Three years! The spider writes circles around him. She also gets annoyed with him when he gets in his romantic moods. But the strange thing is, the two teamed up! And I found myself writing an epic length tale of angsty friendship, adventure and love. ME! Though with those two constantly arguing, it will be a miracle if it's ever completed.

I should also mention that I was not overly fond of romances when all this began. After my divorce from THE EX™, romance was the last thing on my mind. I instead loved tales of friendship, the kind of stories the spider weaved with ease. But Drauglin wouldn't let me avoid them, and the next thing I knew he had dragged me off to FFN where I was forced to read every story written by Nea's World. Pathetic fool that I am, I gave in and that was about the time I decided to open the door to the closet again.

Boy, was I in for a pleasant and life changing surprise! I turned the knob, pulled open the door and there standing before me was the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on. Tall, shining, bright blue eyes…and his golden hair a cascade of waves and curls to his waist (he doesn't like to braid it. He's very vain about his hair), Glorfindel stood before me…buck naked!

Yes, you read that right! He was naked! Somehow, in transit from Middle-earth, he lost his clothes. But you won't hear me complaining! And the best part is, he took one look at me, and it was love at first sight. Okay, it was love at first sight for ME, but it seems he likes dyed red hair, so he liked me, too.

Thankfully, I was no novice at the art of seduction, and elves follow those silly Laws and Customs traditions (at least some of them do), so he had never been seduced before. Didn't take long at all to win him over, and he was a fast learner, let me tell you! He is one elf that doesn't sleep in the closet. Glorfindel sleeps in my bed.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "There she goes, writing one of those 'Mary Sues'." Nope, this is the honest truth! I’m just telling you what happened.

And that, folks, was the day Glorfindel became my favorite Lord of the Rings character…and yes…he's a natural blond!

To Be Continued….

Reviews. Must we speak of reviews again? Or shall I just point to the tattered remains of the few lurking readers who were foolish enough NOT to review? I'm not as prolific as I once was, so the spider really gets hungry. Please feed her!

And thanks for reading!

This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Nieriel Raina

Status: General

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 07/02/11

Original Post: 07/02/11

Go to A Mirkwood Spider Landed On My Front Porch overview


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