10. "Fellership of the Rang"
Recently, someone on a message board mentioned that a friend of hers had tried to read Lord of the Rings and couldn't manage because the style was a bit too...shall we say hifalutin, for her...and that touched off a debate over whether it should be re-written in a simpler style for young folks nowadays (whut has problems readin' them werds with more then 2 silly-bulls, yanno...I think the problem lays with them readin' too much of that there "Teen ppl" magazine and not enough "classics";))....but anyway, I decided to take a crack at the re-write, bein' from a place known as "Arkansas", so here it is, and I claim no responsibility.....
And now, presenting the EASY version of "Lord of the Rangs"...the version any idjit kin unnerstand!
(Course now, ya don't HAVE to be a idjit to unnerstand...but it shore heps! hehehe)
Call it "The Arkinsaw Reader's Digest Version"....
***Fellership of the Rang***
Well see folks, in the beginnin there was this little short feller called a hobbit, named Bilbo Baggins (cuz ever'body had funny names in his neck a' the woods, known as "The Shar"--and no, that's not somethin fancy folks take on Sattidy nights to git clean, silly, it's a place) and he had this here magical ring, and one day he gits a itchy foot and decides to hit the road, so he give this big ole birthday party and a good time was had by all, but then the little feller disappeared in the midst of it all and everbody was plum bumfuzzled, and so the little feller's nephew, Frodo Baggins, ended up with his magical ring, and then this here ole wizard dude told him it was a baaaad ole evil ring and he needed to git rid of it, and so Frodo takes his hired hand and high-tails it outa there like a duck on a junebug, and some of his kinfolks jined with him, and they met with all these scary boogers in black sheets along the way!
Sam Wise Gamgee, that's the hired hand, he sez, "You reckon they some of them, whut you call 'em, Ku Klux boogers?"
"Naw," sez Frodo, "Ku Klux wears white robes, remember?"
"Oh, that's right," sez Sam Wise, scratchin his head, which has a cuckle burr in it. And Frodo's cousin Merry (his momma wanted a girl) sez, "Maybe they're some a' them there Hell's Angels. You reckon?"
"But them dudes rides motorcycles, and these are on hosses," Frodo sez.
"Maybe they're ghosts," sez his other cousin, Pippin. "These yere woods is hainted!"
And so they hid under a big ole tree, whilste one of the goomers come along sniffin' like a hound, and Merry throwed out a pizen mushroom thinkin' the booger might eat it and die, and it run off to fetch it and bury it, and then they all scooted out to the nearest barroom, where they meet up with this strange feller in that's really a king but they don't know it yet..........
So then Frodo Baggins, he sez, "Whut in tarnation is goin on here?" and the strange king feller, who had more names than you could shake a stick at, but they all called him "Strider" cuz his real names had too durn many silly-bulls, he sez, "Well, ye see, little feller, the Boogerman wants that purty little ring of yourn and he wants it now, so we gots to scoot out to this yere place where there's this dude whut kin hide it, and...."
So then Sam Wise Gamgee, he sez, "How do we know YER not this yere Boogerman?" And Strider, he laughs and sez, "Why, Sam Wise, this yere Boogerman ain't nuthin' but a great big fiery eyeball. Do I look like a big fiery eyeball to you?"
Sam Wise had to admit, he didn't. Then Frodo Baggins said they had to trust this here Strider feller. "If he was workin' fer the Boogerman," he pointed out, "he'd look a heck of a lot better. Folks as work for the Boogerman, they'd be all slicked up in them thar 3 piece suits and clean shaved an' all. Nobody'd work fer some goomer that didn't pay 'em enough to git 'em a decent suit of wearin' clothes and a bar of Ivory soap."
Sam Wise and the others had to admit, this made sense. So they all checked out of that ole redneck mo-tel and hiked out in the boonies fer a spell, and wouldn't ye know it, they run into them big scary boogers in the black suits again! As luck would have it, them boogers wuz out frog giggin', and they mistook Frodo for a great big bullfrog (they didn't see too good) and stuck him right in the shoulder! Well, pore ole Frodo got pretty durn sick, the stickers bein' all gummed up with toad-frog blood an' all, which any fool knows is pizen, and that slowed things down considerable fer our heroes.
And nobody is fer sure what happened next. Some say that a blond-headed feller called Glorfin Dell come along with a nice big white hoss, and some say it was another blond-headed feller named Legless, and still others have it that it wuz a purty lady by name of Arwen, that wuz Strider's gal, (folks in that neck of the woods had funny names too, and sometimes a heck of a lot of 'em) but whichever one it was, they got Frodo to this place called Riven-Dell, which was a real purty re-sort town that had a right good doctor by the name of El Rond, and he fixed Frodo's shoulder up real nice, and Uncle Bilbo was there too, so they had 'em a bodacious family re-union, and then they had this big ol' long town meetin' to decide what to do with his purty gold ring. (You know, the one that use to belong to the Boogerman). Doc El Rond said the ring had to be melted in this here volcano (that's a mountain what's got this great big ol' cookin' stove inside) and then he ast for volunteers. An' Frodo said he'd do it. (He'd never been in the army, otherwise he'd of knowed better than to volunteer fer anythang).
Well, 'course he couldn't go by hisself, seein' as how he was short enough to be mistook fer a bullfrog, so Doc El Rond arranged fer 8 others to go with him, one of 'em bein' Strider, another bein' the wizard dude (he was known as Gandalf, by the way, although he had a butt-load of other names too), another big ole feller name of Boromir, a dwarf dude called Gimley, and that Legless feller, who did have legs, by the way, he was jist called that cuz he used to like to wear long dresses when he was a young 'un, so folks thought he didn't have no legs.
Well, they all struck out fer this here mountain, and wouldn't you know it, this other wizard dude, that was workin' for the Boogerman (you could tell by his spankin' purty white robe, that come from a real classy store called the Gap of Rohan) tried to mess with 'em, so they had to take this detour right through yet another mountain, that had a mine underneath it. This mine was all full of nasty little boogers called "orcs", and a great big huge ugly critter called a "troll", and a real nasty big monster called a "balrog" that could set hisself on fire and toted around a big mean whip. Well, Legless turned out to be a crack shot with a bow an' arrer even if he did like to wear long hair and dresses and pigtails, and he brung down that big ornery troll (although he was a mite miffed that the varmit was too big to take him home and git him stuffed) and so they all managed to git past ever-thang but this yere balrog, that didn't like to be messed with, and the troll was his poker partner besides so it kinda ticked him off that they brung him down. And Gandalf messed with him plenty, and so he fell down in a big hole in the ground, but the balrog fell right down there with him, (he had wings, but they was kinda like turkey wings, not good fer much but softening his landin') so the others got out of the mine, and they high-tailed it out to this country where folks lived in trees (the ground bein' kinda soggy an' all). Not only that, these trees had Christmas lights in 'em--it was kinda hard to take 'em down, bein' up so high and all, so folks just left 'em up all year round!
Well, there Frodo met this purty blonde-headed lady that could do these here fancy tricks, and she had this bird bath that you could look in and see the future and all (she use to use tea leaves, but they started gittin' too danged expensive). And Frodo looked in it and at first all he could see was a mess a' bird poop, then after a minute he could see his purty blue eyes, but soon he started seein' a lot more scary stuff (like Legless an' Gimley dancin' the 2-step) And then the Lady told him that Boromir feller wanted his purty gold ring and wuz gonna try to git it from him if he didn't look sharp.
And Frodo said, "Well, dad gum it, reckon I'll jist have to skip on out to that there mountain by my lonesome. Why cain't folks jist git their own dang ring? Durn cheapskates!"
And then sure enough, Boromir did try to take Frodo's purty gold ring, and Frodo told him to go take a runnin' jump at a donut (they had a good supply of them, that the bird bath lady give 'em fer the trip, there not bein' many truck stops along the way), and he struck on out and hopped in a canoe, and then Sam Wise (remember him?) come runnin' along and jumps right in with him, sayin' "You still owe me 5 dollars!" And Frodo sez, "Oh all right, jist keep yer britches on, you'd look mighty funny without 'em, and sit more in the middle of the canoe, dang it, I'm fixin' to git a nose bleed so high up on this end." And they nabbed 'em a big bag of donuts and Sam Wise's pots and pans (jist in case somebody had a chicken house they could raid along the way), and well, there's more but.....
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.