2. Widows, part II: Triangle.
Note: At last! I overcame writer´s block! Thanks to those that reviewed last chapter, and especially to Finch for taking the trouble of reading it and making useful suggestions.
Widows: Chapter Two.
He has always loved you more than me. I know it, am I wrong?
Oh Indis, Indis. Fair, little Indis, daughter of the Vanyar and queen of the Noldor; poor lonely Indis. You are grieving because now you can have the vision of what you were; nothing more than a dim figure in the dreams of another. You realise that this figure of yours always had my eyes, my smile, my heart, my scent, even if only you were there, my dear Indis.
And this hurts.
I can feel you now, giving advice to your son, comforting his wife and sisters and guiding their people. They are grateful to you for being able to defeat the overwhelming grief that consumed your heart and for returning back to them, to be once more the pillar of the kingdom of the faithful Noldor and of their diminished house. They say you are strong, and that you are wise.
But every night you cry, Indis, lying alone in your frozen bed.
What did Finwë feel the day he married you? What, the night he first held you in his arms? This, I know, you ask yourself so many times, unable to believe the answer that lies hidden in your mind. For I am sure he loved you, and he was too kind to cause anybody the least harm, but you should have known, Indis, that even all the power of the Valar, with all the confidence your people always put on them, cannot break a bond that consecrates the everlasting love between two fëar. That is why your feelings of guilt and remorse were misplaced, and why I pitied you. It was I who should have felt guilty for having said "Yes", knowing that you as your people, Finwë, and the Valar, were all wrong.
I doomed you. I doomed everyone. Perhaps I fooled myself into believing the bond was broken, and shut down my heart against the hard but true knowledge that none of you would indeed find happiness until I let him go, all because I was too selfish to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of yours. But then, perhaps even if I had made my mind it would have been the same, for who in this world can consider himself entitled to play with love?
He never loved you, Indis. Not in the way he thought he did. When he looked at you as a friend, adviser, companion or supporter, he saw you, but, when he laid you on his bed and conceived by you wretched twice- mothered children, my fëa could feel his caresses and kisses, his whispers of love in your ears, and he wrapped in his embrace the body of his first wife and true love, the only one he could desire, reviving in each curve of your body our lovemaking in the secret hiding places among the dark trees in Middle- Earth. He did notice it, I am sure, and he did his best to stop the unstoppable, believing it a crazy vision that failed to leave him after all this time, but what about you?
The question is, did you really perceive it then?
I do not think so. You loved him so deeply, and the confidence that you both had in the power and wisdom of the Valar was so great that just guilt and pain for your losses were what drove you insane the day I came to you in the courtyard of our house. And when, insane as you from my own sufferings, I deceived you into giving me the only thing that you ever had had, your own hröa that he like me touched and pleasured while loving another, you for a moment had to see the truth in every thing I had always known. I could love him, whenever I wanted, and in your arms or in anybody else´s, but you could not. Your eyes and your heart were empty, and you knew that all this, your bond, had been nothing but a lie.
You never existed.
Oh, lovely Indis, poor little Indis, you would not believe that now it is me who is sorry for you. I deceived you simply to ease my grief, so shallow if we compare it to yours, and gave you nothing in return for the love I had never ceased to hold as mine in the Halls of Mandos. Given the falsehood of your marriage, how could I still be jealous of what you had got from Finwë? How could I think of shattering your illusions the same way I shattered his when he met me down there, and just a look into my eyes told him he had never had more than one wife?
He stayed in Mandos after that. You kept the terrible knowledge confined in a small part of your mind, deciding you had to be strong and learn to live for the other people that loved and needed you. And I am here.
I am here, weaving your fate. Picking the thread of your life with gentleness into my fingers, knitting it securely with the other threads of those who know how to make you happy, and smiling with relief when I see it has grown to be again one of the brightest in the whole tapestry of the Fates of the World. Hold on, little Indis. I am sure you must have kept something of him, even if you lost the memories of his touch and your illusions because of me, and the bond you never had. Remember that his ardent hopes of finding happiness in making you happy moved the very hearts of the Valar, the wise Valar that failed again, victims of their own compassion!
You have to live, and I want you to know it in some way.
But, still, forgive me if I am glad you were right.
Another Note: I was a little more explicit about the Valar just in the end, Finch, but I won´t criticise them too openly. Don´t really want to appear too heretic. :D
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.