1. Get It Right!
Title: Get It Right!
Summary: A fanfic writer gets a surprise visit from a canon character. He's not happy.
Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story except my arrangements of words and my anonymous fanfic writer. The rest belongs to Tolkien.
Warnings: Slash implied. But it's funny! Or at least I think it is.
Notes: Yes, I know, it's a bit irreverent, which kinda makes the message defy the meaning… oh well.
One more touch of the mouse and my story would have been posted. That very moment as my finger hovered over the mousebutton, an earsplitting, howling yell came from nowhere. I clapped both hands to my ears and spun around in my chair, then nearly fell out of it. It's not every day that large men with large swords appear out of thin air in your bedroom. Or, at least it isn't for me. If that happens to you every day, what a life you must have… Anyway, before it could fully register what I was seeing, the figure before me started speaking, or, to be accurate, yelling.
"No, no, no! Stop, cease, desist! I am so fed up with this I ought to…" At this point he gripped his sword-hilt meaningfully. "Aargh!" Then he simply stood there glowering at me.
"Uh…wha…ah…?" My mouth was hanging open and vague sounds of shock were coming out, but I couldn't form words yet. I blinked at him.
"Okay," He growled, "I'm real, I'm actually here, you're not drunk, you're not dreaming." He ticked these points off on his fingers calmly as he spoke, then was suddenly shouting again, "AND YES I'M ANGRY!"
Finally my vocal cords decided to work again. Unfortunately they decided to say something stupid.
For a moment I considered running for my life as he stared at me with a mixture of disbelief and implicit death-threat in his eyes. Then he turned to the computer and pointed at it, radiating disgust.
"THAT'S why. Slander! Defamation of character! Why do you write about me if you think so little of me?"
Again my mouth hung open.
"But…but…I like you!"
"Then why do you write me as an idiot? I'm not. Fine, I didn't study as much as Faramir did, but do you think an idiot could command an army?"
My face must have betrayed my modern skepticism, for he started again, "Alright, scratch that, could an idiot command an army well? Could an idiot be Gondor's best Captain in generations? And I'm not weak, or whiny, or grumpy either! Let's look at those one by one. Weak? No, the Ring was very powerful. Let's see you deal with that! And I did snap out of it, anyway." He folded his arms across his chest in annoyance before he continued. "And whiny? When did I ever complain?"
"Uhm… outside Moria? And…" My mouth interjected, insistent on saying stupid things today, or at least things that seemed likely to get me killed by one of my heroes. At least he cut me off before I added, "Right now?"
"Isn't a man allowed to voice his opinion?" He snapped. I shut up. "Okay. And grumpy? I'll have you know I'm a very optimistic, good-natured person when I'm not worried about the fall of my land and my world to the powers of evil!" I managed to suppress my dubious look at this statement.
With that, he seemed to have spent his rage, and just looked at me, shaking his head at me as I gawked.
"Anything else?" I asked, unable to think up anything better to say at that moment. At least it wasn't as dumb as everything else I'd said.
"No, that just about covers it. I don't know how many more of these I can handle. Do you realize you are the…" He pulled out a little notepad covered in tally marks, "137th one I've had to deal with this week? I'd better not hear about you writing those… travesties… again. I really don't like having to make a second visit." He eyed me like a hawk sizing up a field mouse for tiny steaks. I could only nod dumbly. "And delete that one." He added as an afterthought. He was turning to leave, apparently, when I called after him.
He turned, expression wearily blank.
"So, you mean… the rest of it is okay? I mean, with, um, you and Legolas?" I said without thinking, then cringed involuntarily, realizing that I might get to know his sword up-close and personal. I had to ask…
He smirked evilly, as if this were the punchline to a joke I hadn't even heard him tell. "Not with Legolas. He would have gotten around to you eventually, but he's even a little more bogged-down than I am, you see."
My eyebrows felt like they had left my face completely and gone into high orbit.
"You mean…? Who?"
"You'll just have to guess. And if you guess wrong, you can bet you'll be hearing from one of us again. And next time, whoever it is might not be so forgiving." If possible, his smirk got wider as I gaped at him, and he was laughing as he disappeared back into thin air.
As soon as he was gone, I blinked, in shock for a moment, before I let myself burst into insane laughter. He never said anything about not being devious, did he? I knew there was a reason I loved that man!
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.