2. Culture (and Other) Shocks
I awoke in my room, with heartbeat quite rapid,
Blinked once or twice, not knowing what had happened.
A dream, I thought dazedly, catching my breath,
It was simply a dream. Nothing more, nothing less.
Of course, not a dream, for in that same instant,
Solitude was broke by elven-princess’s entrance.
“ACK!” I shrieked (in most undignified fashion),
“OUT OF MY ROOM, OUT OUT!” with a passion.
With such eloquent scorn in a single cold glance,
Arwen crossed the room; I wilted, fear-entranced.
“Listen fangirl,” she said with a still-pretty scowl,
“You have no right to speak! Your words: they befoul!
“It is you and your ilk that poison our world!
It is because of those ‘movies’ this madness unfurled!
It is because of your ‘fanfic’ Men and Elves go insane!
We suffer from this refuse that comes from your brains!”
“But, Lady!” I cried, petrified by her anger,
“Truly, oh truly! I didn’t realize the danger!
It was harmless, I thought: just innocent fanfic!
I had no idea it would make Arda sick!”
“You thought wrong,” she replied, grey eyes coldly frosted,
“I will spare you the details of being accosted
In the night by some fangirl’s sickly-sweet prose.
Didn’t think that fanfic had that effect, I suppose?”
“No, lady,” I whispered, utterly browbeaten,
(Faintly wishing I’d set Galadriella to deletion),
“I didn’t really think it over, that much is true:
But is there a way I can make it up to you?”
A note of great triumph gleamed in her eye,
And she said lightly, “Oh, there’s something to try…
Young fangirl, we’re suffering from abuse of the canon,
You all seem to break it with reckless abandon!
“But it’s simply too much for me to make clear…
So I’ll go let some of the others in here.”
My immediate glee must’ve been too obvious,
Said she: “Eru! Why react so at the sight of us?”
Her last words quite heated, she pulled the door shut,
And I reached ‘neath my mattress to destroy the stash of smut!
They really can’t find this stuff, I thought to myself,
(Still pausing to peruse a page of Elf-on-Elf),
Towards the window I stole, heart all a-flutter,
Unlatched it, and as I pushed at the shutter—
In walked the whole crew, whispering, and seeing
My fruitless attempt: what they thought was fleeing.
“DO NOT LET HER GO!” a silver-haired Elf cried,
“Before she escapes, and makes it outside!”
In panic, I shoved at the shutters, layered in snow…
And (lamenting my fate), found that they’d froze.
Turning around, face burning with shame,
(and clutching the pages which could be my bane),
I meekly murmured, “Just a breath of fresh air:
that was all I wanted, by the Valar I swear!”
Blinked once or twice, not knowing what had happened.
A dream, I thought dazedly, catching my breath,
It was simply a dream. Nothing more, nothing less.
Of course, not a dream, for in that same instant,
Solitude was broke by elven-princess’s entrance.
“ACK!” I shrieked (in most undignified fashion),
“OUT OF MY ROOM, OUT OUT!” with a passion.
With such eloquent scorn in a single cold glance,
Arwen crossed the room; I wilted, fear-entranced.
“Listen fangirl,” she said with a still-pretty scowl,
“You have no right to speak! Your words: they befoul!
“It is you and your ilk that poison our world!
It is because of those ‘movies’ this madness unfurled!
It is because of your ‘fanfic’ Men and Elves go insane!
We suffer from this refuse that comes from your brains!”
“But, Lady!” I cried, petrified by her anger,
“Truly, oh truly! I didn’t realize the danger!
It was harmless, I thought: just innocent fanfic!
I had no idea it would make Arda sick!”
“You thought wrong,” she replied, grey eyes coldly frosted,
“I will spare you the details of being accosted
In the night by some fangirl’s sickly-sweet prose.
Didn’t think that fanfic had that effect, I suppose?”
“No, lady,” I whispered, utterly browbeaten,
(Faintly wishing I’d set Galadriella to deletion),
“I didn’t really think it over, that much is true:
But is there a way I can make it up to you?”
A note of great triumph gleamed in her eye,
And she said lightly, “Oh, there’s something to try…
Young fangirl, we’re suffering from abuse of the canon,
You all seem to break it with reckless abandon!
“But it’s simply too much for me to make clear…
So I’ll go let some of the others in here.”
My immediate glee must’ve been too obvious,
Said she: “Eru! Why react so at the sight of us?”
Her last words quite heated, she pulled the door shut,
And I reached ‘neath my mattress to destroy the stash of smut!
They really can’t find this stuff, I thought to myself,
(Still pausing to peruse a page of Elf-on-Elf),
Towards the window I stole, heart all a-flutter,
Unlatched it, and as I pushed at the shutter—
In walked the whole crew, whispering, and seeing
My fruitless attempt: what they thought was fleeing.
“DO NOT LET HER GO!” a silver-haired Elf cried,
“Before she escapes, and makes it outside!”
In panic, I shoved at the shutters, layered in snow…
And (lamenting my fate), found that they’d froze.
Turning around, face burning with shame,
(and clutching the pages which could be my bane),
I meekly murmured, “Just a breath of fresh air:
that was all I wanted, by the Valar I swear!”
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.
