1. A Mind IS Such A Dangerous Thing to Waste
In Mirkwood, Thranduil comes down to breakfast one morning and discovers his youngest son has :
1. Forgotten his name and wants to be called William,
2. Dyed his hair auburn, or dark brown or some shade of black;
3. has begun to sprout scruffy facial hair;
4. has had an ear job,
5. has taken up the trade of blacksmith.
Thranduil deduces that his son is actually half dwarf, which brings the fidelity of Thranduil’s wife into question. Enraged, he packs her off to Valinor, with the rest of their children thus solving the problem of a half-naugrol, half-elven heir to the Greenwood throne and also the question of what happened to Legolas’ mother and whether or not he was an only child. There is the possibility that Legolas could be related to one of the Dunedain, but either way, it doesn’t look good on the royal register. Thranduil sends Legolas/Will off to Rivendell to spend some quality time with the rest of the half-breeds where he spends the next few months mending door hinges, making swords for Glorfindel and teaching the twins to juggle the cutlery.
Meanwhile, back in the other world, the real Legolas wakes up in a corner of a blacksmith’s shop, and is forced to fight off the advances of a somewhat drunken human who insists on calling him ‘poppet’ and tells him not to worry that he has no bosom. He easily overpowers the wretch and leaves him tied to the rafters, frees the donkey, who can talk and who swears to be his faithful companion. Once out of the smithy, Legolas becomes the object of infatuation of one James Norrington, Queen’s navy career man, who has apparently also mistaken him for a woman, given his long flowing hair. Legolas fends off his advances as best as he can, but is finally forced to engage Norrington in swordplay. This only serves to fuel Norrington’s ardour as he finds butch women in drag exceedingly exciting. Enter Cap’n Jack Sparrow who sees Legolas as his soul mate and rescues him from the clutches of Norrington and secrets him away on his ship, the Pink Pearl. Besides, he figures that a talking donkey and a tall hot blonde will probably fetch a pretty sum in the white slave trade.
Back in Middle Earth, Will Turner is having a rather tough time of it. Elrond of Imladris is taking great delight in discovering that Thranduil’s son is in fact half-dwarf, but as to whether on his mother’s or father’s side is unclear. Either way, Elrond figures he has enough ammunition to keep Thranduil squirming for the next several ages. On a whim, he decides to send Will off with the Fellowship made up of the four Hobbits, the dwarf, Aragorn, Boromir and Gandalf. Gandalf demands to know who represents the elves as it is more than clear to him that Will is no elf, despite a passing resemblance to Legolas Greenleaf. Grudgingly, Elrond sends a beautiful elf maid, Merisu with the fellowship, with the caution to Gandalf that she should be kept out of sight after sundown, and provides him with a very large burlap bag in which to conceal her when the sun sets. They head off into the wilderness. Before they are half a league out of Imladris all of the males in the Fellowship, including the pony, are hopelessly in love with the elfmaid. Gandalf alone is able to resist her charms because as it turns out, Gandalf is not a wizard, but a cleverly disguised female Istari who has been sent to find out what in the name of Manwe is going on. On their first night away on the trail, Gandalf has to get Merisu into the bag, while other members of the Fellowship desperately want to get her into the sack. Gandalf distracts the others by challenging them to best Legolas/Will at archery. Since Will has never handled a bow in his life, it proves an interesting contest and only ends when he inadvertently pins Gimli to a tree by his ear. Gimli finds this extremely attractive and begins to actively court the half-elven dwarf by singing dwarven love ballads to him. The rest of the Fellowship, with the exception of Boromir, who has a tin ear and couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, run off, leaving Boromir holding the bag, er, sack which contains the elfmaid, Merisu. Unable to believe his luck, Boromir unties the sack and frees the elfmaid, only to discover that she has transformed into a hideous beast that promptly devours him, leaving nothing behind but the Horn of Gondor.
Aboard the Pink Pearl, Legolas and Donkey are at sea and unbeknownst to them are sailing for the slave market in Kingston. When he isn’t talking, Donkey is horribly seasick and Legolas, sadly missing his beloved forest, spends all his time swinging from the yardarm. Jack Sparrow is beginning to regret rescuing the odd pair when he spies the Royal Navy bearing down on him from astern. A wild sea battle ensues; the Pink Pearl sinks all of the ships of the British navy and Norrington is cast adrift in a tiny rowboat with an ittybitty parasol for a sail. Luckily he still has his broadsword, and using it as an oar, rows himself ashore on a nearby island. There he vows revenge against Jack Sparrow and swears that the blonde goddess will be his.
Once again in Middle Earth, the Fellowship has returned to the camp. It is now morning and the elfmaid, Merisu, is again out of the bag and seated under a tree. Of Boromir, there is no sign. When questioned as to his whereabouts, she explains that he thought better of the whole quest and run off with a bunch of chaps in red serge and Stetsons, leaving his horn behind as he never wanted to be in a brass band anyway. That was his father’s idea. He had always wanted to be a….lumberjack! She added that he had made some allusions to crossdressing and had skipped off into the forest, with his new friends. Gandalf decides that it is time to act, throws off her old wizard/man disguise?we’re sorry but you have exceeded your word limit. This outline will terminate in 5, 4, 3, 2…..
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.