Fellowship of the Thousands: 2. The Wail of the Sues

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2. The Wail of the Sues

Author's Note: As before, thanks to Kielle for her original concept. Thanks to Gil Shalos, for the inspiring line "Quiet down, that crying will wake the dead!". Thanks also to all those who write the real Mary-Sues for giving me inspiration for this modest attempt at humour. I hope no offense is taken and that we can all have a good laugh together at this silliness. :-)



Chapter Two - The Wail of the Sues

7 Súlimë/February 27th, 3019


I know not when I regained consciousness; all I can remember is that hideous wail -- it just would not stop! Finally, I could take it no more and I awakened.

"Quiet down, would you?! That crying will wake the dead!" I shouted. An awkward pause ensued. "Oh."

"Boromir, my soul-mate, I am so very happy you are finally alive again! I had to cry for an entire day before you could be revived by my undying love for you!"

I cringed. Well, that would certainly explain why my ears were hurting so badly. I slowly sat up and took in my surroundings. Except for Frodo and Sam, and the army of hobbit-lasses that followed them, the rest of the fellowship was still here. Legolas was perched on a branch, frantically stuffing leaves in his ear while Gimli chuckled quietly. Beside them, Aragorn was banging his head against a tree trunk for some unfathomable reason. The bodies of countless Uruk-hai were also scattered on the ground, and many of the maidens seemed to be re-painting their faces.

Merry! And Pippin! My memories flooded back to me. Were they captured? Is that what is causing the distress among them?

"Boromir! Boromir!"

Recognizing the voices of the halflings, I blinked in confusion. Since when have they been this loud? Grimacing, I motioned for them to lower their voices.

"Sorry, Boromir," whispered Pippin. "The crying, y'know... our ears are still ringing."

Just as I was about to question them further on what had passed, the two hobbits were flung aside mercilessly. I stared in shock at the maiden who threw them so carelessly to the ground.

"Leave Boromir alone, you two. He needs time to recover and to be nursed back to health by me," she said sternly, shaking her finger at the hobbits. I cleared my throat.

"Actually, lady, I am not feeling so bad. And I do not mind the company of Merry and Pippin."

"But wouldn't you rather have my company?" she asked, leaning in close against me. While I struggled to find a polite response to her question, Aragorn snapped out of his bout of insanity and ordered that we continue our journey. Perhaps Aragorn isn't so bad, after all.

And so, we continued on our way.



9 Súlimë/ March 1st, 3019

A sudden insight hit me today as I listened to the pleasant chatter of the halflings. It was only now that I realized the true wisdom of lord Elrond's choice to send these maidens along. Not only have we gained an army, their glittering outfits are sure to blind anyone that would try and spy on us! The foresight of the elves never ceases to amaze me.

And speaking of blinding... Gandalf decided to return, but apparently, not before he washed his robes - they were now a bright white colour instead of their former grey. After several hours of tearful reunions between Gandalf and his adopted daughters (I did not realize they had come along...?), we finally departed for Edoras. I would have argued with Gandalf about heading to Minas Tirith instead, but by then, I was simply too weary from hearing the maidens cry about how much they had missed the old wizard.

But it is not a complete loss. Perhaps I can ask King Théoden to come to Gondor's aid while I am there.

10 Súlimë/ March 2nd, 3019

At his bidding, I spoke to Gandalf of what had passed while he was away.

"All my apprentices were captured by my evil nemesis Fladnag, you say? Pity..." he said, an expression of grief upon his face. Strangely enough though, his eyes seemed to be twinkling with joy. And even stranger was the fact that he chose to speak to me instead of Aragorn. When I inquired into the matter, Gandalf merely shook his head.

"I fear that a heavy spell has befallen him... everyone," he replied gravely. "Even the dwarf Gimli. Poor soul - he has done naught to deserve this but be a friend of Legolas."

"I do not understand. Does this mean that I am under a spell as well?" I asked.

"Aye, all of us are affected, although some of us to a lesser extent," he answered. "You are stronger than I had originally thought, Boromir of Gondor, and you may yet prove to be pivotal to the survival of us all."

I was about to ask what the wizard had meant, but we were interrupted by a loud shriek coming from the back of the company. Soon, many of the other maidens joined in the shrieking.

"What is this?" I yelled over the noise.

"If I am not mistaken, this is known as Celine Dion!" shouted Gandalf.

As we continued to walk, the shrieks became louder and louder. I shot Legolas a hateful glare as I realized that he could hear none of this, having stuffed his ears with leaves earlier on. If he was under any spell, it certainly had not affected his keen sense of what was to come.



17 Súlimë/March 9th, 3019

Still in Rohan. What a diplomatic mess! The maidens had jumped on King Théoden's trusty advisor, Gríma Wormtongue, and ripped him to pieces. I thought I saw Éowyn amongst the angry mob as well, but I could not be sure. Anyway, King Théoden was not pleased with us at all. He even took Shadowfax back from Gandalf in his rage, despite Gandalf's protests that Wormtongue was a spy sent by Saruman. If you ask me, the wizard should have said that before Wormtongue was killed.



19 Súlimë/March 11th, 3019

I just feel terrible about leaving Gandalf behind to deal with this dreadful murder business, but we could not afford to tarry in Rohan any longer. Gandalf did not seem to mind all that much as he ushered us off, though. In fact, I could have sworn I saw him look relieved at the prospect of facing Théoden's wrath.

In other news, our army grew again as Aragorn's former rangers joined us on our quest. Apparently, all the female rangers in Middle-Earth were under Aragorn's command, as I did not glimpse any males in their midst. Still, they are bound to be useful to us, so I will not complain.

Nightfall...

Middle-Earth is on fire. Well, not really, but I do wish that the rangers hadn't all insisted on making a fire individually. Yes, they know how to make fire. That is to be expected of rangers. They really didn't need to prove their abilities by making hundreds of small campfires all around us.

I sighed heavily - the heat was truly starting to bother me. This was going to be a long night...

"Boromir! There you are! I thought that pesky Gandalf would never stop talking to you!"

NO! Not her again! I buried my face in my hands and prayed to the Valar that she would leave. No such luck, however. The Valar have most likely lost their hearing thanks to her endless crying.

"And what is on your mind tonight, lady?" I asked, deciding to make the best of things.

"Weeelll," she drawled, giving me a strange look. "If you don't mind, perhaps I could have a go at the horn of Gondor?"

I nearly laughed out loud. "Absolutely not! It is a priceless heirloom, and should only be used in dire emergencies!"

"Agh! That's not what I meant!" She took a few minutes to calm herself down and spoke to me again. "OK, how 'bout this - would you mind showing me the.. um... Tower of Ecthelion anytime tonight?"

This time I laughed out loud. What a silly woman!

"My lady, in case you have not noticed, we are still quite a distance from Minas Tirith, and until we reach it, you will have to put off all of your sightseeing plans."

She did not seem pleased with my answer as she started to grind her teeth in a most alarming manner.

"One last chance, Boromir," she said warningly. Then she perked up and said in a sweet voice, "So, how 'bout you unsheath your sword and have some fun with me tonight?"

"That would be most excellent, dear lady," I replied. Finally, a reasonable request! "I could use some exercise."

At that point, she struck a strange pose and started blinking rapidly at me. I hesitated. What art of fighting is this? Wait... wait... I think I understand what I must do! Nodding, I gave her a bright smile.

"Don't move," I cautioned as I moved closer. Her breath caught as I slowly reached out to her... and swatted at her eyes.

"Ow! What'd you do that for?" she asked furiously, rubbing at her eyes.

"Oh... oh. My apologies, lady. I thought you had something in your eye. I assure you that this is not how I normally spar with my opponents..."

"Spar?!" she asked incredulously. "Oh, I do not believe this! Are you supposed to be this thickheaded, Boromir, or are the fates just working against me?"

I stared blankly at her, and after a few moments, she stomped off to sulk in the woods. Odd... I didn't noticed the woods behind us until now.



20 Súlimë/March 12th, 3019

Morning...

The woods behind us miraculously disappeared this morning, replaced by a flat plain. I dare not think of how this might have occurred, but I suspect that a forest fire was at the root of all this.

Yawning, I stood up and stretched, taking in the view around me. I nearly choked as I saw Legolas walk by me, looking more weary than ever.

"Ahem. Legolas? Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Hmm? Oh. My bow is being repaired by Aragorn. Accidentally rolled over on it last night."

"Actually..." I paused, unsure of how to continue. "I was referring to your distinct lack of clothing."

He merely shrugged.

"Resistance is futile," he replied, walking off into the woods that suddenly appeared in front of us. What in all of Middle-Earth...? The elf is giving up already! Hrmph. Well, I must say -- if one wants to give up and die, there are better ways to go about it than to try and catch a cold in the woods. I shook my head and lied back down on the ground.

Noon...

"AAAH! What are you doing?" I jumped up and pried the arms of the sleeping maiden off me. I touched my neck gingerly, where several bruises have appeared. Is she trying to kill me?

"Boromir...?"

I quickly stepped away from her, trying to determine her motives. Immediately, she followed and latched onto my neck again, paying no heed to the fact that I was choking. After much struggling, I managed to throw her on the ground with a thud.

"What is it that you want? Out with it, vile servant of Darkness!"

A dreamy expression came upon her face. "Your sword..." she murmured. I shook my head in disbelief. That is no reason to try and kill me!

"Oh, for the love of Eru...! If that is all you wanted, you should have said so! Here, take my sword!" I threw the sword at her and turned away... only to come face-to-face with Aragorn.

"Yes, Aragorn?" My frustration was mounting and I was in no mood to speak to him of all people today. He pointed behind me.

"Why did you kill her?" he asked.

I frowned at his question. "I did not kill her! I merely gave her my sword, as she requested."

"An interesting way of phrasing matters, Boromir," he said, looking almost amused.

"That is ridicul--" Then, I turned around and saw what had happened. A sword had pierced her through the heart, and now, she lay on the ground, bleeding profusely. "Hm. Well. What do you know."

"Indeed. You do realize that this will jeopardize Gondor's relations with Gabonzola, won't you?"

"I beg your pardon? Gabon-what?"

Aragorn sighed impatiently. "Gabonzola, our most powerful ally. You just killed its Queen! Have you paid any attention to your lessons as a child? Or have you been too busy with swordplay to care?"

Too shocked to respond, I simply stared at Aragorn. That's it. The man has gone mad. I may not have been the most attentive to my studies, but I do know that Gabonzola does not exist! No wonder Gandalf did not wish to speak with him.

Gandalf... He is the only one that can make any sense out of all this anymore!


Muttering my apologies, I quickly turned to the nearest road and headed back for Rohan.



2 Víressë/March 25th, 3019

Will wonders never cease? It would seem that the Dark Lord had been defeated and Middle-Earth returned to its former glory while Gandalf and I were caught up in the dispute with King Théoden.

Perhaps my fears were unfounded. After all, the darkness has been lifted from our land, has it not? I should have known better than to have believed the wizard's strange warnings. Father was right - again - I should not be too trusting of everything I hear.

Later...

Wonderful news! The fellowship will be re-united tomorrow, and I will have the opportunity to meet the one who persuaded Sauron to repent and ask the Valar for forgiveness. This promises to be most interesting!

In other happy news, Frodo told me that I could have the Ring now if I wanted. It was no longer corrupt, after the tears of the many maidens cleansed it.



3 Víressë/March 26th, 3019

The fellowship reunion went wonderfully, although I do regret not being able to meet the one who "tamed" the Dark Lord, so to speak. Apparently, she had faded out of this world, as per the prophecy that painted her destiny. Or some other such poetic verse... Whatever Aragorn had said.

Anyway... as I was saying -- everyone seemed to enjoy themselves immensely, although Gimli had started off acting quite grumpy, muttering about Legolas' absence. Honestly, that dwarf is too harsh on the elf. It is hardly Legolas' fault that all his dearest childhood friends were suddenly hurt at the same time. And even if his friends were well, he'd still need plenty of time to prepare for the marriage his father had so kindly arranged for him.

Yes, all will be well once again. Although Gandalf insisted that we will all succumb to a fate worse than death, I am sure that he was exaggerating.

Legolas is betrothed to Luiniâthwen, whose beauty is rumoured to surpass even that of Luthien Tinuviel. Aragorn is marrying to one of his rangers, whose psychic powers were finally accounted for when she was identified as Galadriel and Elrond's lost daughter. The hobbits have also found companions back in the Shire; and even Gimli found a dwarf-maiden to settle down with.

I personally cannot see any signs of doom in these future events. Now, I must close off this journal and head back to Gondor. Since Aragorn has forgotten to claim the throne in his new-found happiness, I have been declared the new King of Gondor. Life is good.

The End



Author's Note: After all the suffering Boromir has endured, not only in the books/movie, but also at the hands of fangirls who have turned him into everything from a wimpy loser to a horrible rapist, I thought that he deserved something better - hence the ending.

PS - I know that last image of Elrond & Galadriel is a bit disturbing, considering Galadriel is Elrond's mother-in-law, but there is no logic in Mary-Sue-Land.

This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Aralanthiriel

Status: Reviewed

Completion: Complete

Era: 3rd Age - Ring War

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 09/09/02

Original Post: 09/05/02

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