1. Mary Sue's Ugly Divorce
Two pointy-eared toddlers, a boy and a girl, wandered vaguely from one parent to the other.
"In one respect, this case presents no difficulty. Never in all my years on the bench have I seen such an clear-cut case of irreconcilable differences that neither time nor counseling will cure. The litigants are of widely different backgrounds, ages, species, social classes, time periods, technological understanding, educational levels, and life expectancy. They wish to reside in different time periods and civilizations; Ms. Sue wishes to resume her pre-marital consumer lifestyle, Prince Legolas wishes to remain a hunter-gatherer.
"They are unable to agree on common standards for any of the following: food preparation - Ms. Sue objects to butchering her husband's kill... forms of transportation - Ms. Sue cannot ride bareback; acceptable levels of temperature or light - Ms. Sue cannot see by the starlight which the elves love better than the light of sun or moon, and finds bathing in icy mountain streams unacceptable... Ms. Sue was raised among clocks, believes in punctuality, and has found it impossible to live among people who ignore time as elves do - mistaking a month gone by for a week and so on. And since the birth of the two children the differences have only worsened - Ms. Sue feels that an Elf with a family to support should care more for getting a job than the call of the sea, while the Prince considers paid employment incompatible with his royal status.
"Ms. Sue has also declared herself unable to tolerate the absence of filtered cigarettes, indoor plumbing, automobiles, disposable diapers, TV, supermarkets, mascara, air travel, public libraries, reliable mail, refrigeration, antibiotics, diet sodas, telephones, pens and pencils, electric lights, tampons, any number of hair-care products, recorded music, and especially birth control" Mary Sue clutched her two children to her and struck a Madonna's pose, while the one of children stared vacantly at the judge and the other drooled. "...none of which are available in her husband's domicile of Middle-Earth.
"The court has heard the story of how Ms. Sue fell into Middle-Earth, landing during the Council of Elrond; how she accompanied Prince Legolas on a quest, fell in love and conceived their eldest child during said quest (as birth control is unavailable in Middle-Earth), and how they married at the first opportunity - with no family in attendance." Sitting directly behind Legolas, King Thranduil glared daggers at Mary Sue. He had no love for humans, and hated having an anachronistic human for a daughter-in-law from the first. "Said marriage lasted for three years ten months, and has produced two children but has been dissolving into acrimony almost since it began - even when jointly undertaken Heroic Quests are not widely considered to form a sound basis for matrimony, and so it has proved in this case.
"The decree of divorce will be effective as soon as the clerk of the court finishes writing up the papers and both parties affix their signatures, the usual waiting periods will be waived as the litigants wish to take up immediate residence in separate realities." Sue mimed a sob, and Legolas (and all this supporters) smiled with open relief.
"As to the particulars of the settlement... First, the court cannot grant Ms. Sue's request for spousal support."
"WHAT! But he's a Prince! He has..." Cried Mary Sue. The judged banged his gavel, while Prince Legolas favored the courtroom with a look of sublime innocence and King Thranduil smirked.
"There will be order in the court! In spite of Prince Legolas' royal title he and status as Lord of Ithilien has no significant marital or even non- marital property. His position as Savior Of Middle-Earth is unsalaried, and 'his' land of Ithilien is officially the property of King Elessar and is actually administered by Prince Faramir. Prince Legolas is in fact financially dependent on his father and others; Ms. Sue has no claim on assets belonging to the Crown of Mirkwood, the Crown of Gondor, or the Principality of Ithilien.
"But my babies! How will we survive!" The judge ignored her, except for another bang of the gavel.
"The couple has already divided such community property as they possess, with the bulk going to the Prince as Ms. Sue is returning to a lifestyle where leather clothing and Medieval weaponry have little relevance.
"Princess Legolas has also voluntarily surrendered all titles she gained by her marriage, including 'Princess' and 'Her Royal Highness' and will hereafter be known by her maiden name of Ms. Mary Sue." King Thranduil allowed himself a small but extremely triumphant smile.
"As to the custody of the two children, this is a difficult case. Normally when there is no question of abuse the court would wish to make some sort of joint custody arrangement; or to at least arrange regular visiting rights for the non-custodial parent. But as Prince Legolas and Ms. Sue wish to sever communications and live in different realities, and both have filed for sole custody... the court has no choice but to award full custody to one and *only one* parent.
"As there is no accusation of abuse, the court is required to base its decision on which parent is best able to meet the children's needs.
"Prince Legolas is able to offer the children eternal life, royal status, access to their grandfather's fortune, a large and *extremely* stable extended family, the company of other Peredhil, and eventual placement in Paradise - commonly known as Valinor. Ms. Sue is mortal, an impoverished orphan who is bravely working her way through college; she is barely able to provide for herself and cannot possibly support two dependents - much less pay for the elective ear surgery that would be necessary were these children to be raised in modern Earth." Ms. Sue's widened with fear and she clutched her lawyer's arm anxiously, causing him to break into a sweat. "Moreover His Highness' occupation of Hero has flexible hours and he will be able to devote a great deal of time to his children - whereas Ms. Sue's fall into Middle-Earth and subsequent adventures have caused her college to place her on Academic Probation and she will need to devote most of the foreseeable future to her studies.
Mary Sue began to sob "No... no... it's not possible...", but the judge only raised his voice to cover the whining.
"The court finds that it is clearly in the best interests of the children to award sole legal and physical custody to Prince Legolas..."
The judge raised his voice to a Stentorian level, he'd had a lot of practice at making himself heard over screams of outrage. "He is better able to provide for their financial, emotional, and educational well-being; and to meet their special needs as half-Elven children."
"MY BABIES!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!"
"Ms. Sue of course will have visitation rights, on such future occasions as she finds herself unexpectedly falling in to Middle-Earth." Ms. Sue shrieked when she heard that, and jumped at Legolas.
As the judge banged his gavel and roared about "contempt of court" and the bailiffs tried to pry Mary Sue's hands off of Legolas' throat, King Thranduil picked up both sobbing children and whispered to them.
"Hush, my darlings, forget that silly woman. As soon as we're back home I'll take you to the toy-market of Dale and buy you anything you want!"
The children stopped crying. "'um got Barbie?" Simpered the little girl, naked greed in her eyes.
"They shall have anything you wish them to have! The merchants of Dale will do anything for me, they know that nothing's too good for my family, nothing!" He picked the children up and carried them out, muttering under his breath "Look how much gold I spent on your daddy's lawyer!"
"And the accountants who hid your daddy's assets! Gitchy-gitchy-goo- gum..." Added Gimli, reaching up to tickle the smaller child.
"Not to mention the judge's good will!" Elf-king and dwarf shared a knowing look with each other, and then the judge. "Nothing's too good for my family, nothing. Guards! Remove that... *person* from my son's throat, and throw her back into her own dimension!"
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is not intended to satirize any particular author or character, but to be a blanket indictment of ALL Fellowship-bothering, cookie-cutter Mary-Sues - even the ones who didn't fall in from Modern Earth.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Possible sequels include "Mary-Sue's 40th Birthday", "Mary- Sue Gets Pregnant In Mid-Quest", "Mary-Sue Faints at the Sight of Blood", "Mary-Sue's Husband Takes A Mistress", "Mary-Sue's First Sword-Fight", "Mary-Sue Gets an STD", and "Mary-Sue Catches Her Husband In Mid-Slash". Sure, it's cruel - but look how much suffering she herself has inflicted!
Or possibly not.
If you feel like writing any of the above yourself, e-mail me and ask if I'm working on any of the above, because I probably won't be and would be delighted if someone would spare me the time and trouble.
Hopefully I'll be working on a "serious" effort instead, a longish whodunnit set in Mirkwood. I love Murder Mysteries and there are hardly any to be found here at ff.net - probably because they're complicated and are much harder to write than girl/Fellowship tales, drippy romances - or snotty satires. (Encourage me if you like whodunnits, or at least recommend some existing ones, if there are any besides the wonderful "Caverns of Mirkwood".)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, after Mary Sue married Prince Legolas her official title would be "Princess Legolas", not "Princess Mary" as she married into the title and did not inherit it in her own right - at least under the modern English system.
So what if Prof. Tolkien didn't have the inhabitants of Middle-Earth use said modern system and made do with the odd "sire" instead of laying out a proper system of titles and forms of address!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oh yeah - please review. And, as always, this is more Canon than you'd think.
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"irreconcilable differences have arisen that neither time nor counseling will cure" "community property" "martital property, community property, and separate (non-marital) property" "no-fault" "spousal support" "sole legal custody"
who pays the expenses of the court? Princey?
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.