Pottymouth: 9. 9

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9. 9


Thank the Valar for wireless Internet.

Got myself all set up, laptop, modem, Internet connection, email account. Oh fuck, three hundred thirty-seven new messages.

Bugger. That’s what I get for leaving it for a couple days. Time for a sweet; where the fuck’s that bag I found in the pantry? Peppermint humbugs . . . stale and a little gooey; why the hell don’t they have fresh candy in this house?

Hmm. Actually not too bad. Teeth sink in a bit but the flavor’s all right.

Let’s see, increase your penis size, mortgage assistance, blah blah blah, oh wait, here’s one from the – oh fuck, forgot about that; it’s the Norton Simon, dammit, wanting to know where the fuck I am. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Have to remember to call them in the morning. Need to call the shipping company, too; my canvasses have to be bloody SOMEWHERE.

Delete, delete, fucking delete.

Need a better spam filter, mate.

Oh! Want that one, that’s my investment barrister. Need to bung him a quick one, talk about this house. I shuffle through the papers I’ve nobbled from the desk. I type in the mortgage company, client ID, loan number, balance, escrow. What they charge for houses in LA; bloody daylight robbery, that’s what it is. And better explain to the josser why I’m doing it too. He’ll want a pre-nup, don’t blame him. Just the thought of those uncounted millions swirling down the drain of some gold-digger’s purse is enough to give him the screaming abdabs.

On further reflection, ought to ask him the name of a good real estate agent – one that specializes in ranches and farms and all that shit.

Funny, isn’t it? Easier to explain to HIM what I’ve been doing. I’m dreading explaining it to everyone else. Poor sods, wonder if they’ll even understand? Whitey might; he’s a Maia and knows what the Valar are like. But the Hobbits, Grim, Éomer, the others –

FUCK! Éomer’s going to be my FUCKING BROTHER-IN-LAW!!!!!

Fuckity fuck fuck, what a kick in the arse. Oh well, not so bad now that he can fucking read. At least I can carry on a decent conversation with him. Bluff, hearty, slap-on-the-bleeding-shoulder Éomer, what’s that computer term, WYSIWYG? Nothing deep about him, maybe, but nothing fucking sly either. At least he treats Lothíriel well, always has, always will. Not enough bloody imagination to do anything otherwise. She’s pretty fucking happy at least – why shouldn’t she be? Bleeding Jethro Clampett at her beck and call.

Not that she’s a bloody Einstein herself, mind you. Little kife, knows the side her bread’s buttered on at least.

Bugger, going to be related to the former King of Fucking Rohan. My dad’s going to have kittens.

I double-click Trillian and watch the screen flicker. The long narrow window pops up and I watch as it scans for online buddies.

Hm. Arwen’s up.

What is it in Vermont, five in the morning? This could be better than email. I double-click her heading and the conversation box opens.

Legs4201: Morning poppet.

I wait. Then the bottom of the screen says she’s typing.

Idefix_vtU7: Legs! Long time no see!
Legs4201: You’re up early.
Idefix_vtU7: Can’t sleep. Aragorn is snoring again. Pollen.
Legs4201: Your fault marrying an Edan.
Idefix_vtU7: Shut up, asshole.
Legs4201: I love you too.
Idefix_vtU7: Where are you? Grim’s been frantic, trying to find you the past

five days.

Bugger. Poor fecker, worries about me when I don’t show up now and then.

Legs4201: Where is he?
Idefix_vtU7: NM I think. Call his cell. Aren’t you supposed to be at some art
gallery or something?
Legs4201: Got distracted.

Hell, that’s a fucking understatement if I ever heard one. Dad always said, nothing I could say sounded so bad as when I said it casual-like. Always knew I’d bished it up, him and Mum.

Fuck fuck fuck, what do I tell Arwen? Why the hell did I click on her IM link? I don’t know what to tell her.

Idefix_vtU7: Got Lottie on, want to join up?

Why the fuck not? Might as well get my ears chewed off by two birds as one.

Legs4201: Yeah, let me back out and invite me.
Idefix_vtU7: k

I click the X and wait. Soon the screen pops back up inviting me to join their conversation. I hop on.

Lotty66grinz: LEGS! omg Im so glad your here!!!!!

Ow ow ow ow ow, hasn’t anyone taught this bloody kife to SPELL?! I know she’s been speaking fucking Finnish for the past two hundred years, but oh fucking hell!

Legs4201: Hey Lottie, how are you?
Lotty66grinz: Im OK how are U?
Idefix_vtU7: I sympathize, Legolas.

I love you, Arwen.

Legs4201: All right, there, Lottie, how is Éomer?
Lotty66grinz: Hes OK were going sailing yay!!!!!!
Idefix_vtU7: Lottie’s been telling me all about it. Apparently they’re going to
tour Corsica and Sicily.
Lotty66grinz: omg its going to be so much FUN!!!!!! you ougt to come Legs you
know E likes you bring Grim to.

That takes me a moment to translate. Fucking A, how does Arwen stand it?

Legs4201: Well, truth be told I’ve been given my marching orders by the Valar.

Pauses on both fronts. Then they both start typing frantically at once. Here it comes, mate, stiff upper lip and all that. I crunch up the humbug and unwrap another one. My tongue rolls it around, exploring the cracks and holes.

Idefix_vtU7: All right, Legs, what’s going on now? Anything you need help with,
or are the Valar making you do this one alone again?
Lotty66grinz: omg what is it now U always get stuck with the crappy
assignments how do U stand it????
Idefix_vtU7: You know, I’m sure they wouldn’t use you so much if you weren’t
so accessible.
Lotty66grinz: I know arwen I dont now why he stands it but they sure love him
dont they!!!!! all that listening I couldent do it, Im much to busy
Idefix_vtU7: I don’t know if they made him Listener because they love him, or if
they love him because he’s such a good Listener. So what’s the problem this
time, Legs?

I take a deep breath. Oh fuck, I don’t want to do this. When it’s just Éowyn and me, when it’s just the two of us moving and breathing and talking and touching, everything is so bloody normal, it’s so natural, it feels like it’s always been this way. But fucking A, thinking about explaining it . . . the words aren’t fucking THERE, there’s no way to say it without me looking a bloody prat, and her some ankle-biter slag.

Legs4201: I’m doing the main body of work but I need all of you here too. You
need to tell Longshanks and Éomer, and anyone else you can find, that they
need to come to San Dimas CA ASAP. It’s time for a Meeting. I’m just about
to send out an email calling everyone here.
Idefix_vtU7: Where’s “here”? I kind of need an address, Legolas.
Lotty66grinz: where is san demis is that in new mexico?

I grit my teeth. Match made in heaven, those two; between Lottie and Éomer I’m surprised Rohan ever made it past the end of the Fourth Age.

Legs4201: San Dimas, CA. I’m with Éowyn. Things are not good. I’ve been
told to straighten them out, but I’ll need help.

Frantic typing. I sit back and wait for them to catch up.

Idefix_vtU7: All right, what’s going on? I haven’t heard from Éowyn in almost
four hundred years. What the hell happened to her and Faramir?
Lotty66grinz: omg is she ok eomer and I were talking we never here from her
what happened?????

I take a deep breath. No fucking way I’m bottling out now.

Legs4201: Brace yourselves. Faramir has divorced her and run off with all of
their money. I’ve been charged with taking care of her.

I grin at that, sarky sookie shit-eating grin.

Legs4201: We need to get the money back, though. Is Merry still doing divorce
law? I need his advice. And we may have to bully Faramir to get her money

I wait. Takes a while for them to respond. Gobsmacked, I’m sure, like I was – fucking gobsmacked.

Lotty66grinz: omg that is so wierd why did he leave her is he nuts????
Idefix_vtU7: What do you mean, you’re taking care of her? Don’t the Valar
want to get them back together? That was the whole agreement between the
married couples; the partnership was for eternity. He can’t divorce her; they
won’t let her.

All right, Legs, hold hard, breathe slowly. Breathe breathe fucking breathe. You knew that, but you wish she didn’t know that.

Git. Of course she knows it. Why the fuck shouldn’t she know it? She just doesn’t know Manwë has suspended the rules in this case.

Or has he?


Patience, Greenleaf.

Fuck, I hate it when he says that.

Legs4201: Hate to tell you this, ladies, but the betrayal is complete. I’m not
sure what the Valar will do about him, but they’ve told me what to do about
her. I’m staying with her, and I’ve been told to take care of her, and see that
her debts are paid and her financial future is settled.
Lotty66grinz: that is so I dont know Im so freaked what are U gona do Legs?

Fucking amazing she and Éomer figured out how to reproduce.

Lotty66grinz: tell U what Im gona tell eomre and wake him up and well come
as qucick as posible.
Idefix_vtU7: Are you sleeping with her, Legolas?

My heart drops like a stone into cold water. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Leave it to fucking Arwen to suss it out. Oh fuck, oh shit, oh bloody hell.

Lotty66grinz: ARWEN omg I cant beleive U sed that!!!!!!!!!!! Of coures hes not
sleeping with her that would be so wrong!!!!!!!
Idefix_vtU7: Well, Legs, are you?

I close my eyes. Etched on the backs of my lids is the last waking view I had of my acushla, perched atop me, tits bouncing with our rhythm, eyes closed, mouth open, cheeks flushed. The compulsion, the reassurance is still there: Are you sure? Yes, Greenleaf. Get some backbone, Legs; Arwen’s fucking four thousand klicks away and can’t bullock you.

At least, I hope not.

I open my eyes to meet blue screen. I can practically hear the indignation. Really, Lottie is too stupid; has she been asleep the past fucking ten thousand years?

Lotty66grinz: even if the Velar said it was ok witch they wouldent he wouldent
do it, U know that Arwen
Idefix_vtU7: Don’t be so sure, Lottie; they’re remarkably suited to each other.

That makes my eyebrows go up. Arwen thinks THAT?

Hell, maybe this won’t be so bad.

Lotty66grinz: But shes supossed to be with Faramir!!!!!
Legs4201: If I might interrupt this philosophical discourse?
Lotty66grinz: dont mind Arwen shes not polite this early in the am!!!!!!!!
Idefix_vtU7: Well, Legs? Spit it out. Have you had sex with her?
Legs4201: Yes. Four or five times, depending on what you count as “sex.”
Idefix_vtU7: All at once or interspersed over the years?
Legs4201: All at once. Actually, interspersed over a couple of hours.

It’s interesting; I can actually feel Lottie’s hysterical outburst all the way from here. Bet she’s woken up Éomer. Prat needs to teach her how to spell anyway.

Idefix_vtU7: You goddam piece of shit, I can’t believe you’d do that to her.
Legs4201: I love you too, Arwen. Does it help to know Manwë told me it was
all right?
Idefix_vtU7: I don’t believe you.
Legs4201: Suit yourself. Shall I lodge a complaint on your behalf? And btw,
watch your fucking language.
Idefix_vtU7: Hello pot, I’m kettle. Did he really say it was OK?
Legs4201: You think I would risk Námo’s wrath, you stupid cow?
Idefix_vtU7: Who knows; you might be tired of living.
Legs4201: Not that tired. You know the fate reserved for one of the Chosen
who betrays another.
Idefix_vtU7: Shit yes. Dammit, Legs, I can’t believe you’re fucking her! Doesn’t
she have a say in any of this?
Legs4201: I don’t think either of us does.

Well, that’s true enough. Hasn’t been the slightest bloody bit of hesitation on her part – like we’ve been driven to it. Not that whips have been necessary, mind you. Whips – no, no, no, Legs, don’t think about Dominatrix Éowyn; not really into that kind of thing but oh, the mental image of her in a black leather bustier and thigh-high black boots . . . BUGGER!!! Just the thought of sliding into her . . .

Oh fuck, shouldn’t have thought that shouldn’t have thought that shouldn’t have thought that, there goes my ronson, ready and willing . . .

Lotty66grinz: R U SERIOUS omg I cant beleive you would do that Legs!!!!!
Legs4201: Would it help if I told you she’s as randy as I am? Don’t think
she's had a proper shag in centuries.
Idefix_vtU7: LEGOLAS!!!!

I’m grinning now. Love to bait them, the silly kifes. I finger my plonker through the thin silk of my pants. Ah, that tickle of pleasure . . . wonder if I should wake up Éowyn?

Legs4201: Not that I have either. Truth be told she’s the best knob I’ve ever
had. That’s saying quite a bit, you know.

Were Arwen here I would make fun of her purple face and strangling noises. Fuck, I miss her. Then again she’d go spare watching me groping myself, wouldn’t she?

Idefix_vtU7: You foul, you vile, you goddam sonofabitch
Legs4201: That’s it, I’m telling my mum, she’ll be browned.
Idefix_vtU7: taking advantage of Éowyn like that!
Legs4201: She’s the one jacked me off in the bedroom. Didn’t ask for that.
Not complaining, mind.
Lotty66grinz: omg lol rofl
Idefix_vtU7: LOTTIE
Lotty66grinz: well its funny
Legs4201: Didn’t feel too funny. Felt pretty fucking good.
Idefix_vtU7: Watch your mouth, asshole.
Lotty66grinz: so is it good does she lik e it she always told me F was no good
in bed
Idefix_vtU7: LOTTIE
Legs4201: She seems to be enjoying herself. But if Faramir was that bad,
maybe it’s just that I’m not suffering by the comparison. Oh, and anyway
he’s gay.

Love dropping those fucking bombs. Can practically hear the gray matter spattering.

Lotty66grinz: omg

Is that her standard reaction?

Idefix_vtU7: Are you serious?
Legs4201: Yeah, bleeding arse-fucker. Ran off with some fucking batty boy
and took the money.
Lotty66grinz: omg I cant beleive it Éomer was right I dident beleive him!!!!!

That makes me pause. Éomer saw this coming? Well, bloody hell.

Legs4201: Éomer thought Faramir was queer?
Lotty66grinz: no not really he just said he thot F would be happier with
a guy then a girl

Really, Lottie ought to be sent back to Form Four; either that or her fucking teachers ought to be whipped.

Oh bloody hell, there’s that whipping word again, going to have to suss out if that’s Éowyn’s kink . . . never got into the BDSM thing myself, but would do any fucking thing to please her.

Wonder if she’d like to tie me up? Ah, now, that’s got him up and running! Can just imagine, my wrists bound to that pitted brass headboard, stretched out beneath her, her fingernails on my bare skin –

Oh yeah, mate, silk’s MUCH better than fucking leather, not nearly so confining

Idefix_vtU7: Aragorn’s going to shit peach pits when I tell him.
Legs4201: And we all know how much he enjoys that.
Idefix_vtU7: Fuck you.
Legs4201: I love you too, Arwen.
Lotty66grinz: he was always so prissy and dident like fiting and never
treated Éowyn right. Éomer wont shit peach pits hell be mad as hell!!!!!!
Legs4201: Mad or shitty, I need them both. You as well, ladies. How soon
can you be in LA?

I smell her before I hear her. There’s a musky, earthy fragrance wafting down the hall towards me; she’s parted her legs, stirred up the scent lying in the sheets, the accrual of our lovemaking after pudding. My head seems to swim with it and oh fucking shit thought my plonker was hard before, NOTHING compared to it now, fucking A it’s about bursting. The susurration of the bedclothes, the creak of the boxspring, then a click from down the hall, and a sliver of warm yellow light across the tile. I glance over and smile. Acushla.

I’m cold, dammit. Where’s that warm soft body? It was right here a minute ago . . . I fumble around the sheets. Bed’s empty.

My heart turns to ice. He’s gone. He’s gone. Oh god oh god oh god where did he go?

Then I hear a tappity-clickety sound. Easy to figure that one out; computer keyboard. I hear it enough at work. Since Dorcas sleeps like the dead I’m forced to conclude my Elven Ass is typing.

Go figure. Didn’t know he even knew how to turn on a computer.

I stretch out my muscles – feels good. I feel well, strong, limber, moreso than I have in four years. When Faramir left me I felt as though some great weight was pressing on me; I had headaches, leg cramps, back aches. Never had them before – one of the benefits of being one of the Chosen; you can never get sick, your body never wears out. But my blessings went out the window when Faramir came out of the closet.

Now, however, my body is fit, sound, lissome. I run my hands down over my bare skin. I even feel silky again. My fingers lightly brush my nipples and my sleepiness fades with the little jolt of pleasure. I move one hand further down to the coarse curly hair on my pudenda and slip the tip of my finger between my lips.

Sticky, slippery; the detritus of our lovemaking. My stomach jumps a little when I remember it – remember how it felt to ride him, to clamp my thighs around that pulsing, rocking body. Remember how he arched up against me, groaning out my name and whispering, “Amin tulien!” When we were finished and curled up together in a tangle of limbs I asked him what it meant. He grinned a little sheepishly and said, “Means, ‘I’m coming’!”

I’ll have to remember that. Amin tulien, amin tulien, amin tulien; what was it he’d said the first time we screwed in bed – “Sií Yallume”? Better ask what that means, too.

Now I’m really awake. I can hear him clickety-clicking away; what is he writing? I roll off the bed and find an old shirt to pull on over myself, just in case Dorcas doesn’t sleep so heavily tonight, and I pad barefoot out into the hall.

I can see the blue glow of a computer monitor in the office. I push open the door and there he is, illuminated and a little creepy looking, sitting behind a sleek, expensive-looking laptop. He looks up at me and smiles; I can see a lump in his mouth, and I can smell peppermint.

Don’t tell me he dug out that bag of starlight mints . . . how old are those things, anyway? Bare-chested too, the alabaster curve of his muscles bathed in a sickly blue light. Oh shit, is he NAKED? No – the closer I get I can see he’s wearing his boxers. Those things made me snigger – not that I can picture him wearing tighty-whities, but green satin boxers? No wonder he didn’t wear anything under his leather pants; they would’ve bunched up something terrible. But at least he’s wearing enough to not give Dorcas a fit if she wakes up.

Of course, seeing his flat hard stomach disappear under the band of those things is even more erotic than if he were buck-naked. And satin clings, you know – I can see the outline of all sorts of interesting things under there.

I see you watching me, saw where your eyes went. Think I didn’t notice, acushla? How the fuck couldn’t I, when just the bloody sight of you makes my plonker sit up straight? Come here, acushla, that’s right, bring those bloody two-klick legs right on over here where I can touch them.

His hands slide around my thigh, the palm running smoothly up the outside. I love the way his hands feel, wish they’d go a little higher . . .

That’s right, love the curve of the thigh to the hip. No knickers, eh, acushla? Ah, not going to fucking complain about that.


Mmm, so glad I didn’t bother with panties . . . I may never wear the damn things again. Waste of time, they haven’t stayed on longer than a couple minutes anyway since Legolas showed up.


Bugger, need to wrap up this conversation and get down to business. Namely, giving poor betrayed Éowyn a little more Elven comfort. Oh fuck, I could comfort her for centuries . . . millennia. In every possible place, in every conceivable position. Even with whips and leather and bondage, oh my . . .

“What’re you doing?” Her voice is husky with sleep and she’s rubbing her eyes with her long slender hands. I slide my fingers round her arse, dipping a little into the crack and she squirms away, then presses up to me. Can’t decide whether she likes it or not. I can make you like it, acushla; fucking A I can make it feel so good

“I.M.-ing,” I say, curl my arm around her hip and press it up to my shoulder. The cotton material shifts and I get a whiff of her musky femaleness; oh shit oh bugger makes my mouth water.

“What?” She looks down at the screen, squints at the message box.

“Instant Messaging. Got Arwen and Lothíriel on here. Want to talk to them a bit? Told them about Us.”


“Us,” I’m part of an “Us” now. “Us” with a capital U. Makes me feel funny, embarrassed and pleased and excited all at once. I look over at him, smile a little; he smiles back. The darkness has bleached the pink out of his mouth but it’s still a sweet curl of flesh.

Oh, wait. He told Arwen and Lothíriel about . . . US???

“You told them?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he says. His fingers are straying further up my hip, pulling the hem of my tee shirt up over my buttocks. In a minute my pubic hair will be on public display. Don’t know why but that makes me feel a little shy. “Go on, luv; talk to them. Gone completely spare, the two of them. Not brassed, though.”

I swallow. I don’t know why, but for some reason the prospect of telling all the other Chosen that Legolas and I have been going at it like crazed weasels makes me feel dirty and guilty and ashamed. I don’t feel that way when we’re actually DOING it, I don’t even feel that way afterwards; but to let everyone else know . . .

I wish it hadn’t been so long since I’d seen them. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so awkward now.

He pushes the office chair back and maneuvers me to stand in front of him. His hands are on my hips, my ass must be about six inches from his nose. I bend down to rest my wrists on the keyboard and begin typing, although it’s a little distracting knowing the hem of my tee shirt has just been pushed up over my butt cheeks and I’m POSITIVE I can feel his warm breath down there . . .

Legs4201: Hi there, it’s Éowyn


Much better, can smell you much better acushla, oh yes . . . let me get my hand in here now, push your thighs apart, easier to reach you –


Oh, shit . . . .


That smell, oh fuck that smell overwhelms me


How the hell am I supposed to type with him doing THAT?

Idefix_vtU7: Éowyn! How are you? Are you all right? What has that fucking
bastard Faramir been doing to you?
Lotty66grinz: Éowyn omg I am so sorry about Faramir hes such an asshole
but at least you have Legs where have you been????
Legs4201: I’m fine now, Legolas is taking good care of me.

Hell yes is that the truth; never had my ass licked before but just the feel of that slick hot tongue describing patterns all over the cheeks is delicious; oh yes that’s right, slide those fingers right around there . . .

oh . . .


Mmm, slippery, smooth, warm . . . I part her lips and run the tips of my fingers up the slick folds, teasing back the curly hair. Her legs start to tremble, I can hear her breath come short. Got a green silk tent on my lap for you, acushla; what’re we going to do about it, then?


Idefix_vtU7: I’ll just bet he has. Are you sure about this? You don’t have to
sleep with him just because he’s pretty.
Lotty66grinz: But it sure helps doesent it!!!!! ;-P
Idefix_vtU7: LOTTIE
Legs4201: I’m not sleeping with him because he’s pretty. It’s hard to explain.

Or I could just explain that it’s hard. I’m sure it is – oh shit, a little teeth there, last time I had my ass bitten it was a horse, nasty old nag too . . . but that feels good – oh yes right there, oh my god his tongue is tracing the crease in my ass, up and down, giving me quivers that start in my stomach, his fingers, his fingers are touching oh so lightly, feather touches, brushing the lips the insides of my thighs, oh . . .

Oh shit, I can’t concentrate, what am I doing again?

Lotty66grinz: well its ok Éowyn we know f is gay so I bet you havent had
much good sex have you??? make up for lost time!!!!!!

Oh hell yeah . . . oh shit do that again . . . that other hand running up my thigh, skimming the curve, coming around the front OH yes touch me there touch me there there there oh yes oh my poor little clit is it getting a workout or WHAT


I touch her knob and she twitches and moans; I’m twitching too; oh fuck to slide into you, to bury myself to the hilt; I can taste myself on your ass, can taste my spunk dried there, let me clean you, oh yes . . .


Idefix_vtU7: Don’t be crude, Lottie; we all know that sexual intercourse
between the coupled Chosen is the primary mark of our bondage to each

. . . what?

I have to ask, I don’t remember this part. I can feel his fingers, teasing, stroking, can feel his tongue and lips but I have to pull myself together to type this question.

Legs4201: What do you mean? I don’t remember anything like that.
Idefix_vtU7: Don’t you? The Valar said when we have sex we cement our
unity. It’s not so much a physical act as a spiritual one. The physical aspect
is important of course, but what it does to our souls goes much deeper.
Lotty66grinz: U dont remember eown they said were to be more faithful
as chosen than normal people coz cheating wrecks the bond they wrarned us
to be good or else!!!! Not that Éomer and me worry coz theres no reason for
us to cheat!!!!! LOL

One long cool finger glides inside me; oh shit I can feel the walls clench and spasm, I shudder. Slides out, oh my god do that again . . .


So wet, can feel the muscles tighten around my finger, find that nub again


Idefix_vtU7: That’s why I’m so concerned that you and Legs have hopped in
the sack like this. Sex between two Chosen is a deadly serious business,
Éowyn. You don’t want the Valar mad at you.

oh yes that feels so good . . .


Slide in slide out, push down on that little stiff nub; her legs shake, knees locked, breath short; I know those signs, oh fuck yeah, find that little rough place inside you

oh like that do you


Lotty66grinz: but Arwen F cheated first & he divorced her so the Velar will
be mad at him right???

That’s right, Faramir started it Legolas can finish it, oh yes . . .


that's it that’s it that’s it push harder, oh I’m groaning, can’t stop, can feel my skin flush, I’m hot hot hot, his mouth his sweet pink mouth biting my ass my back my thighs and did I mention those mile-long fingers pushing up inside me





Ah yes, there’s that spot . . . grip me tighter that’s it, my hand’s soaked, drenched in you, slick and slippery


Oh shit oh shit oh shit stop a second stop stop stop I’m supposed to be writing here

My limbs are shaking, my belly jumping, I rest my elbows on the desk. His hands on the insides of my thighs, pushing them apart further, I can feel my labia separating, there’s that finger again, oh shit –

pumping in and out in and out paying me back for jacking you off are you, oh yes payback is hell but this is heaven

stomach tight there’s that building feeling building building, fingers moving in and out, oh yes don’t stop don’t stop don’t stop oh push down on my clit harder faster oh here I come


That’s right, lean against the desk – ah yes – oh fuck you’re so wet – shoulders, back, legs stretched taut, quivering, panting, honey curls blue in this light, fingers gripping the edge of the desk, shaking

Can’t help it, lean in tongue stretched to taste, just a taste, oh delicious



Bugger, that was fast, clamped down so hard like having a handshake up there, can feel her arse bucking, did I close my eyes? have your juices on my hand, oh fuck acushla you smell so good so fucking good, oh fuck oh shit nearly came just listening to you, so sexy, hearing you moan like that want you want you want you let me in you


Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit shit shit shit shit, oh damn that felt good, oh I hope I didn’t wake up Dorcas, oh oh oh oh . . .

slides his hand out, gives one cheek a squeeze with those sticky wet fingers, oh I’m humming, buzzing, trembling, can feel him move beneath me, between my legs, god I’m wanton, legs spread like this, letting him have his way with me but oh it feels good

Pay attention, look at the screen

The hell with that, fuck me, I’m aching

Idefix_vtU7: I suppose, but as Legs is the Listener he’d know what the Valar
want him to do in this particular situation. What concerns me is that he might
either be misinterpreting their charge to take care of her or simply succumbing
to his baser instincts.

That’s right, talk about us as though we’re not there, oh wait we’re not, oh shit who cares


pull the motherfucking boxers down oh fuck it’s like a hum that starts in my head and goes all the way down to my helmet oh fuck oh shit I need to be in you I need you I need you I need you

wrap my fingers around myself, slide her spunk up and down my shaft, oh fuck yeah . . .

get ready push the chair back get your fucking feet under you Legs hands on her hips she’s ready get the fuck up


I can feel him breathing fast, hot puffs of air on my ass, he’s turned on by my climax, oh shit that’s erotic too, oh shit I don’t think there’s anything about him that’s NOT erotic, bet he’s hard as a rock, want to lower myself on him, get him off the way he got me off

WOAH no need the Mountain has come to Mohammed


aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yesssssssssss I push myself up and in

hot slick velvety grabbing squeezing me oh fuck oh fuck oh yes yes yes


oh shit oh shit never going to get used to that feels like he split me in two oh oh oh oh

standing behind me hands on my hips, can feel his pubic hair rasping against my ass as he pushes in his thighs between mine

move move move oh please move

that’s right slow trembly pushes and pulls can hear him panting his breath on the back of my neck, can feel him rubbing me inside and out, I’m filled, oh shit this is wonderful

Lotty66grinz: but he wouldent do that Arwen I know he wouldent of all of the
chosen hes the one that never disobeys
Idefix_vtU7: Seventeen thousand years without a partner is a long time, Lottie.
I’m not saying I’d think any less of him if he did marry her, I’m just saying I’m
not entirely positive the Valar will look at it in quite the same light.

oh who gives a flying fuck I sure don’t oh yes oh yes THAT’S IT oh god oh god there’s that finger again oh yes yes yes

I lean on my palms, push my ass against him, hear him grunt; he’s trying to hold back but I don’t want him to, I want him to move

finger circles my nub, the lightning starts again


oh fuck I want to move, I want to move but I don’t want to hurt her, oh bugger oh hell oh bloody hell maybe a little oh yes oh yes oh yes, touch her bring her off, feel myself sliding in and out, slick slippery hot wet oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I touch myself as I rub her, can feel my fingers slide against my plonker as I pump her, don’t know which is better the clenching the sliding the touching


harder harder harder oh yes yes that’s it oh touch me there again oh shit

this long slow hard rhythm is making my whole body shiver I’m like an earthquake waiting to happen, the fingers pressing on my clit draw up my pleasure to a point, can’t think about anything, don’t care

Lotty66grinz: hed know more than we would after all hes listener not us. What
do you think Éowyn did the Velar tell him to sleep with you or is he just so
in love with you he cant think?

oh shit need to answer that one oh shit what do I do I’m grabbing the desk with both hands can’t type oh shit harder harder harder oh fuck yes


I can’t stop myself oh fuck I can hear our bodies slapping together can smell her rich musky smell that point between her shoulder blades rest my face against the damp cotton oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck if I’m not careful I’m going to go fucking INSANE and slam her so hard my cock’ll come out her navel, oh fuck, slow down slow down oh don’t grip like that I can’t control myself slow down slow down slow down


stop it stop it stop it what the hell are you doing don’t slow down oh god it felt so good go faster faster faster no don’t slow down oh shit


That finger oh yes yes yes


That’s right, come for me again, acushla, I’ll stroke in and out nice and slow – ah shit, fuck, hell, bugger, you’re so tight, so wet, so hard not to turn into a fucking jackhammer, come on, come on come on come on come on slooowwwlllyyy . . .


oh shit that’s even better, oh yes oh yes touch me there too, my nipples are aching, dying to be touched, don’t be gentle they need to be squeezed



cotton on the back of my hand, soft firm skin against my palm, can feel that pebble of flesh rolling around, squeeze

oh yes oh yes oh yes


seemed to like that pretty well, love the feel of that globe in my hand, run my thumb over the nipple

I have to speed up, I’m sorry, I can feel it in my belly, it wants to get out it has to get out I’m going to let it out


that's right speed up oh that’s even better, love the hot breath on my back the hand drubbing my clit and that fat penis oh yes


and that other nub, the wet hot slick one, press down harder, rub faster


oh god here it comes again, can feel it grabbing me pulling me


slowly, in and out, my breath on her back, she’s sobbing, stretched tight tight tight, oh fuck I can hardly hold back, come on come on come on so I can come, my fingers brushing my own cock as I pump in out in out in out in out oh fuck fuck fuck fuck come on come on come on I can’t hold on can’t can’t can’t


oh god I

I can’t I

oh shit I can’t I

god I’m so hot I can’t breathe

god don’t stop almost there almost there almost there almost there almost there



She jolts, arcs back into me, fuck bet she woke Ducky up with that one


ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh shhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiitttttttttttt

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh yes oh yes oh yes

dance in me some more oh fuck yes

oh don’t stop don’t stop harder harder harder harder YES OH SHIT THERE’S THAT SCREAMING BITCH AGAIN


can't stop can’t stop oh fuck it hold on oh fuck hold on hold on oh shit don’t want to hurt you but oh fuck I can’t stop I can’t I can’t I can’t oh fuck this is so fucking sexy I’m riding you riding you riding you


oh shit you’re splitting me oh shit that’s so fucking good oh yes yes yes harder harder harder oh no no no here I come agaaaaiiiiinnnnnnn



ooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck it oh yes got a liter of the stuff just for you you you you oh oh oh fuck yeah

oh my sainted aunt if I don’t sit down right now I’m going to fucking collapse


WHOOF back we go, slap squish right into the chair with him still in me, one hand on my boob one hand on my clit, oh shit I’m humming, my legs are shaking oh shit oh shit oh shit . . .

Oh, shit. Poor Dorcas.

Idefix_vtU7: Éowyn?
Lotty66grinz: U 2 still there??
Idefix_vtU7: Hello?
Lotty66grinz: Im here Arwen you think thier computer got hosed?
Idefix_vtU7: I don’t know, Lottie, maybe the connection failed. But he’s still
showing up on my Online list.
Lotty66grinz: yes mine to I hope thier not arguing or anything!!!!

Legolas is breathing harshly against my back, clinging to me like I’m his lifeline. I lean forward out of his embrace to type. My fingers are shaking, my hands feel weak.


oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck that was so fucking good


Legs4201: Sorry, had to discuss the sex issue.
Idefix_vtU7: Have you come to any conclusions?
Legs4201: Yes. We both came, thank you. Actually I think I came three times.
Lotty66grinz: rofl
Idefix_vtU7: Oh for goodness sake.

I lean back again. Legolas is soft now, slides out of me. Sticky, I’m going to be sticky for the rest of my damn life, and I’m the luckiest girl in the world.


Oh yes, never had such fun getting my knacks off. Fuck, fuck, fuck, is she that good or am I that desperate?

I told you, Greenleaf. The remuneration of obedience is the fulfillment of the senses.

So, she IS my reward.

She is one of them, yes.

She’s the only one I want.

But she’s not the only one you will receive.

If it’s all the same to you, my Lord Manwë, I’ll just stick with this, thanks.

Your tasks are not yet finished. When they are, your reward will be complete.

Fuck. Figures.

Oh bugger, forgot the IM. I lean forward, edge my face around Éowyn’s body to read the entries I’ve missed. Oh bloody hell, that’s funny!


NOW what is he laughing at? Oh . . . he’s reading what I wrote. He leans around me and starts to type with one finger.

Legs4201: talk to you tomorrow its bed for us
Idefix_vtU7: Doesn’t sound like you need one.
Lotty66grinz: U never know Arwen maybe the computers in the bedroom????
Idefix_vtU7: Call us.
Legs4201: ok
Lotty66grinz: Good nite legs, good nite Éowyn!!!! Sweet dreams!!!!!!


I lower the screen and the room darkens. I can still see her outline, feel her weight on my lap. She’s relaxed, laid back on me like a sleeping cat, stretching a little, her head on my shoulder. I bury my face in her hair. Oh fuck yeah. Oh, she smells so fucking good.

I turn her a little, put one arm under her knees and the other around her shoulders. I stand. She wraps her arms around my neck, looks at me in surprise. What? You’re not THAT fucking heavy, acushla; actually think I could carry three of you.

“Bed?” she asks, burrowing her face into the side of my neck.

“Hell yeah,” I say, and walk down the hall.

I hear Ducky’s door click shut. Should I tell Éowyn?



He lays me on the bed, gentle, like a mother puts down her newborn. His hands are on me, soft, tender, nothing like the hot wild madman in the office. I find his lips with mine in the darkness. Oh those kisses, that supple lissome mouth.

“Round two?” I whisper hopefully. I can already feel it stirring in my belly.

He chuckles, gusts of warm air on my neck. “More like round seven, acushla,” he murmurs, and takes me in his arms.

Oh, yes.

This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Le Rouret

Status: General

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: Adult

Last Updated: 09/30/04

Original Post: 04/19/04

Go to Pottymouth overview


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