Pottymouth: 5. 5

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5. 5



All right, Éowyn’s new Word of the Day is “stamina.” Specifically speaking, Elven stamina.


No wonder Aragorn told me not to mess with Elves! Shit, after all this time I’d be surprised if his dick hasn’t fallen off from overuse. Assuming, of course, that Arwen’s stamina is as “Elven” as Legolas’. And also assuming her libido’s the same.

If it is, Aragorn’s either one happy man, or . . . one very tired one.

Or both . . .

Well, this has got to be the weirdest hour I’ve ever spent in my life. Picked up by a biker, weirded out by some psychic Elvish shit, fucked senseless on the kitchen table, promised I’ll live happily ever after, and then fucked senseless again, this time in my bed. And now he’s stretched out beside me, one long arm wrapped around my shoulders, staring up at the ceiling and sucking on a lemon Dumdum. My head’s on his shoulder, and I can feel his jaw moving against my head, and hear the occasional slurp or clatter against his teeth. And if I listen deeper, I can hear the steady thrum-thrum of his heartbeat, comforting, reassuring me he’s actually a BE-ing, if not a human one.

Weird, weird, weird.

You’d think with how long and slender and pale and delicate-looking he is, his wanker’d be about on a par, wouldn’t you? But NOOOOOOOO, he’s got this big, fat, purple-headed Willie the Wonder Worm hidden in those tight leather pants. Holy shit, how’d he keep it from popping out all the time? And why didn’t I guess how big it was the first time he screwed me? I certainly felt something splitting me in two, but I guess I assumed it was because it’d been so long since I’d made love to anyone that it felt so . . . well . . . big. And thick. With this fat mushroom-shaped helmet on top that does the neatest things when he pops it in and out really fast –

Woah, better back up there; starting to feel that quick fluttery hum again. I’m still in the after-glow stage; I’m not supposed to be getting horny again so quick! It used to take me WEEKS to get back in the mood after Frances – Faramir and I would have sex. I always told him it was because we were immortal that the time passed so quickly, when in reality he was just a very disappointing lay.

Shoulda held out for Legolas from the get-go.

Hooooo yeah, that was a good one, even better than the kitchen table one. Just laid me down on the bed, pushed up my skirt, dropped his pants and lay on top of me. I’m a little fuzzy about what happened after that, though I seem to recall, in a nebulous water-colory kind of way, locking my ankles around his back and screaming his name as the lightning bolt started doing all those crazy things in my belly. That big fat dick rubbed me in places I didn’t even know I had. And don’t get me started on his hands! I’ve never been so grateful for Elves’ inhumanly quick reflexes before. I didn’t even know my nipples stuck out that far. And as for the whole clitoris-G. Spot-vaginal spasm thing, it’s nice to know Masters & Johnson had it right after all. I did wonder . . .

Yeah, Faramir pretty much sucked as a lover. How gratifying.

Or maybe Legolas is just that good. Also gratifying. In more ways than one. Five, actually, I think . . . I kind of lost count after three, and I know I had at least two more, so we’ll call it five.


I snuggle in deeper, inhaling his scent. Musky, male, clean, fresh, outdoorsy, mmmmmm. His arm curls up around my shoulder and I can feel his fingers playing lazily with my hair. I run my hand up his smooth hard chest to one dusky nipple, soft atop that pert pectoral, and circle it with my finger until it contracts and hardens. Then it occurs to me what it is I could smell on him, that I thought was pine. No wonder it reminded me of lamb.


“Rosemary,” she says, her voice husky and soft. Her fingernail is scratching oh so lightly around one of my nips and it feels so fucking good I don’t want to stop her. I take the lollie out of my mouth so I don’t start drooling, which would look pretty bloody stupid.

“When one says the name of a person in bed, it’s customary to use the name of the person one has actually fucked,” I say. When did my voice get so deep and throaty? Must’ve been all that yelling I did; shit, felt like she was gonna rip my plonker off. “At least keep it the same gender to keep me from feelin’ a right charlie.”

I can feel her cheek bunch up against my shoulder; she’s smiling. “No,” she says, drawing circles around my nipple with the tip of her finger, making it pucker. “You smell like rosemary. I couldn’t place it before, kept thinking pine trees.”

“Ah,” I say, and put the lolly back in my mouth. My goolies are still sticky; must’ve shot a fucking pint of spunk in her. Note to self: Put towel under bed to wipe up afterwards.

Rosemary, huh? Makes me want to roast a leg of lamb.

Shit. I’m hungry. Wonder if those bloody prawns are defrosted yet?


I’m so sleepy, but I don’t want to drop off. I’m hungry, too. I wonder if those shrimp are defrosted yet? Pretty unromantic thing to think of at a time like this, but – oh, well.


Aaaaahhh, nothing like a good bunk-up to whet the old appetite. I’ll pan-sear ‘em in tequila and lime, add a dash of hot pepper, serve with corn crisps – wonder if she has any white wine? If not, the tequila’ll do. Lots and lots and lots and lots of fucking tequila, a night-full of shagging, and tomorrow’ll bring its own bleeding problems.

I could email everyone, I guess. Yeah, guess I’ll do it that way. Easier to email than call. You can organize what you want to say in an email, but if I call Longshanks I know the first fucking thing out of my hole will be, “I fucked Éowyn!” And then bloody hell I’ll get the argy-bargy. No, best to leave it this way. Arwen’ll have the screaming abdabs anyway, may as well bloody delay it a bit, give me some time to fucking BREATHE and figure out what the fuck I’m doing.

Namely, getting the lolly back from that bloody shite Fairy-Meer.

I can’t fucking believe he did that to her. To Éowyn. What the fuck was he thinking? That he could nobble it and no one’d notice? No wonder he hid her away all this time – wanted to cover his fucking tracks, make sure she had no one to turn to. My sainted aunt, will I bash him up but bloody good. Turning the fucking Shield Maiden of Rohan into a meek, spooky kid.


His arm tightens around my shoulders, I can hear him growl a little. Is he turned on again? Good grief, how many times can he do it one day, anyway? Well, that fluttery feeling in my belly wasn’t going anywhere, might as well see how well-inclined he is for another curtain call.


Hm, didn’t bloody expect that – she’s curled against me and pressing that soft, sticky spot up against my leg, wiggling a little. Does she want me again? Not that I’m complaining, but bloody hell! Well, fuck it, last two times were too quick anyway. Haven’t even quimmeled her yet.

Mmm – bet she tastes good.

Woah, bugger. He stood up fast. Quite a suggestible little knob I’ve got. Her tit’s pressed up against my ribcage, her cheek is rubbing against my chest, lips feathering kisses around my nipples. Yeah, nothing like snogging a starkers bit on a rumpled duvet to get the blood moving. Now she’s got her leg hooked around mine and I can feel her wet, sticky lips on the side of my leg.

Aaah, fuck, she’s sucking on my nipple –

Get the bloody lolly out get the bloody lolly out get the bloody lolly out before you fucking choke on it


Typical guy, taking such good care of his sucker while I’m trying to get his attention by grinding on his hip. Doesn’t he want to WOAH where’d he come from! Last time I looked at his little soldier he was all soft and squishy. Now we’re standing to attention with a vengeance.

Guess he noticed me wriggling against him. No wonder he took his lollipop out. Mmm, tastes like artificial lemon; his lips are sweet and sticky . . . That’s right, slide that delectable tongue right in there, I’ve got a “Vacancy” sign out just for you. Never liked hard candy much but it’s not bad vicariously

Oh yeah

Right there

How I love your fingers, Legolas


I’d guess she likes it when I touch her there, if that deep throaty moan is any indication.

Nice tits, good tits. Round and full and firm and fleshy, and lumme those brown puckered nips . . .


. . . Although I think I like your mouth even more OH YES that pulling feeling on my breast feels so DAMN good! Brings back the Psycho Moaning Bitch big time. And to think I traded her in on the Screamer when we graduated to the bedroom.

I don’t care how he managed to slide between my thighs but his hair feels so soft, so silky in my fingers, and oh that mouth suckling me . . . YEOW a little teeth there, that was – oh – okay, that wasn’t so bad – yes – okay –


Oh fuck I love that sound, better switch nipples if I want to hear it again


Yeah, he was feeling a little left out – that’s better –

Mmmm . . .

Fingers, tongue, lips, tickly hair to complete the picture. Oh yes, these are happy breasts. Happy happy happy. Éowyn is happy too. Happy Éowyn, warm fuzzy tingly shivery Éowyn.

Whoa. Hard hot thing jabbing my thigh. Happy penis. Hello there. Welcome, come right in . . . just ease on up here – no, wait, wrong way! Hey –

Oh . . .

Well . . .

Okay then . . .


The lower I get the muskier she smells, oh shit oh fuck I love the noises she’s making, love the little innie navel I’m currently flicking with the tip of my tongue, love the rough dry raspy sheets against my plonker, love the smooth warm legs sliding restlessly up and down my back, love the sharp fingernails digging into the skin on my shoulders, love it love it fucking love it.

Ah, think I’m headed that way, do you, acushla? No need to rush, now, I’ll get there eventually; ever hear the expression “Good things come to those that wait”? So fucking wait already, no need to rush.

Mmm, that smell . . . she opens her legs, tips up her hips to me and I’m nearly bloody overwhelmed, so tempting to just latch onto those glistening folds and bring her off right away, but oh yes acushla just wait . . .


Oh oh oh stop it stop it stop it hurry up don’t stop don’t stop not there just over a little oh SHIT

What the FUCK are you doing, my vagina is THERE not –

Oh stop oh stop oh stop

Never had my thighs bitten before, oh where are your fingers going, why aren’t they THERE why are they wandering all over the place, can’t you tell I want your mouth THERE and not on my legs

Okay that was a little closer but . . .


was that

your breath

on my



She’s wriggling and squirming and flexing and pulsing beneath me, stretching up to touch her lips to mine, wrong lips acushla, HAH got you that time didn’t I? Thought I was going to but I didn’t, oh fuck it I want this, that salty musky sweet bitter taste you think you have it bad acushla oh how I want to taste you, you smell so good so fucking good oh my sainted aunt –


touch me touch me touch me touch me what the hell are you WAITING for


I fucking love those whimpery sounds you’re making oh acushla oh my Éowyn mine mine mine I’m rocking into the bed sheets tongue on your legs just flicking up the crease of your thigh to your box oh bugger that smell gets to me oh hell oh bloody hell


oh closer closer closer touch me touch me touch me touch me


I’ll just taste this little bit, right up the outside lip – mmmmm




wet wet wet and oh so pungent slide around the other side oh acushla


I can’t


and down and up and in drawing my tongue to a point tasting you feeling you tremble I have my hands on your thighs holding you down, you’re pitching like an earthquake not yet not yet not yet


there there there there there a little higher oh please please please I can’t stand it


there it is, hard little knob




got you that time, didn’t I, acushla? Oh fuck you smell so good, you taste so good, suck you into my mouth


I can’t I can’t I can’t oh hell oh shit oh oh oh


faster, flick my tongue faster, you’re shaking, straining up against my hands, I have to press down hard to hold you into the mattress, I know how you feel, my Éowyn, my plonker’s about to bust open, I’m rubbing rubbing rubbing it oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh


oh I can’t I’m . . .I’m . . . it’s like a spiral, it’s like heat, it’s like light, I – I can’t –


holy fucking shit she’s screaming again, pulled back, thrust forward, if I’m not careful I’ll fucking sever her clit with my teeth I hope the neighbors don’t hear her oh bugger don’t care if they do about time she got it off


I . . . can’t . . .

Oh wait – I just did . . .

Hey, I really do have legs




I’d better pry my fingernails out of his shoulders, oh stop it’s too sensitive now for that, although your tongue feels so nice – lapping, slurping, sucking in the loose and swollen lips

holy shit

He’s fucking purring how can he like it that much I never knew a guy could like it

I hope he’s not done, feel like I could go another round


If I don’t fucking get it off NOW I’m going to fucking EXPLODE


WHOOPS there go those Elven reflexes again; tongue practically flying up my body, pudenda navel sternum neck right to my mouth, how odd I can taste myself, do I really taste like that? Whoa SHIT I’ve been cloven in two, feel like his dick just split me right in half and will poke out the top of my head, out again WHOOF right back in, out, in out in out I can hear him panting and he’s making this little moaning sound, so endearing, he’s lost it, completely lost control, so unlike the first two times, his hands digging into my hips, he’s thrusting so hard, so erratically, he pulls back and


yes touch me there again oh yes

pulls back and in and

OH yes

he got me again pull out push in YES

Here it comes again, that hot white spiral, stretching me, pulling me, oh no oh no oh no this is too much there’s too much to feel he’s got one hand on my boob he’s squeezing and he’s pounding into me I can feel him in me and on me and around me and oh

my throat hurts I wonder why but I can’t stop to think about it


I’m coming I’m coming I’m coming I’m coming


“Aiya, sií! Sií yallume!”*

I have no idea what that meant but oh it sounded so passionate, so intense, we’re rocking together like a cradle but hot, hot hot and locked together, I can barely tell where my legs stop and his begin.

“Lle naa vanima, lirimaer.”**

How can he have any come left in him? Three times and he’s still spilling all over my ass.


“Lirimaer . . . lirimaer . . . “ Is that really coming out of my own fucking mouth? I can’t believe it – but it’s true. Oh shit. Oh hell. Oh bugger. Oh oh oh my whole fucking stomach just emptied out into her. Oh fuck. I’m dead I’m dead I’m dead I’m fucking dead. My fucking heart just leaped right out of my body and is doing an Irish jig on the bed. Oh fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck.

Okay. Deep breath. Breathe, breathe. Fuck.


He’s actually shaking. Pushed up in me still, hips quivering against mine, face buried in my neck, arms clasped so tight around me we might as well be conjoined Siamese twins. And breathing haltingly, rasping in and out of his throat.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes yes yes. Oh, that was good. Better even than the first two times.

Holy shit. If it keeps getting better and better each time we do this, practice makes perfect you know, by the time a year goes by my head is going to explode during sex and he’ll be arrested for murder. Death by orgasm. What a way to go.

Assuming nothing gets in the way of our practicing.

Well, he did say he wasn’t going anywhere.

Ah, what a nice thought.

Practice makes perfect – oh hell yeah.


All right. Okay. Hold hard, Legs. Fuck.

Having sex with Éowyn had better not get any more intense than this or I’ll be visiting the bloody Halls of Mandos sooner than I wanted to. Fuck.

Oh hell, oh bloody hell, oh fucking bloody hell. Oh that was good. Oh yes.

Oh shit. I’m still peckish. How can I think of food at a time like this, when her fucking juices are still on my lips?

Ah, slide right out of her. Breathe, man, breathe. Yes, better. Loosen the arms too. Don’t want to bloody crush her.

That was fun. Let’s do that again.


Yowza. Gimme a minute and I’m up for a repeat.

Well, maybe. I think I’d better eat something first.

I mean, besides him. I wonder what he tastes like? I wonder if I can even get that big, fat, dusky pink head into my mouth? I’d hate to disappoint him; after all, turnabout is fair play . . .

Oh yeah, I got it bad.


Well, maybe not now. Let’s eat first. Then let’s do it again.

And again and again and again and again.

Holy fucking shit. What the fuck happened to me? I was rolling merrily along, just minding my own bloody business, listening to the Valar and my ancestors and righting wrongs and shit like that, and I’ve fucking STOPPED. Red light. Screech to a halt. Fifteen fucking millennia and NOW I pause for a breath.

Breathe in – breathe out.


Is this right, then? This is what I’m supposed to do?

Yes, Greenleaf.

Well, all right then. Nice to get some fucking confirmation now and then.

Breathe in.


Breathe out.

Oh fuck she smells great.

The fulfillment of the senses is the remuneration of obedience.

If you say so, mate.


Mmm, what did he say?

Oh. He said my name. Shit I LOVE it when he says my name, it’s like an aural orgasm each time. Ay – oh – when.

Rosemary. And satin. And warm puffs of air. That’s what I feel when he’s so close to me, so close his heartbeat hammers against my chest and I can feel his eyelashes fluttering on my neck. I can’t help it – I have to squeeze him with all four of my limbs, like he’s some big warm silky hard smooth teddy bear.


Did I actually say I didn’t like that nickname? I think I like it now, especially when he says it like that, warm and sleepy and thick-voiced. What did he say it meant, heartbeat? Heartbeat works – I think our hearts are actually beating in tandem, coming down from that INCREDIBLY INTENSE orgasm. Intense for him too, from what I could tell.


I guess I should say something here.


Very articulate response there. Bet he’s impressed.


Hmm, seem to have shorted out her speech circuits. That’s a good sign. Like feeling that hummy rumbling through our chests, that’s quite nice too, acushla. I kiss her throat, nuzzling into the warm fragrant curls around my face. That smell, that skin, the feel of her breasts crushed against my chest, her spine on my hands, her thighs on my hips. The fulfillment of the senses is the remuneration of obedience. Oh fuck yeah.

“I’m hungry.”

Hope I haven’t insulted her. No, she’s laughing.

“Me too.”

Oh good.

“Not that I don’t want to do this again, but I want to eat first.”

She’s still laughing, her hands making circle patterns on my back, her legs tightening around me. Not so sexual now, more affectionate. I might actually pull this bloody thing off after all.



What the fuck was that? Did Éowyn hear that? I raise my head, turn to the bedroom door, which is – of course – fucking OPEN. Voices, I can hear voices. Now Éowyn can hear them too.

She drops her head to the pillow and groans, not a nice fucking groan at all, oh dear no.

“Who the fuck is that?” I hiss, looking down at her. Flushed, glassy-eyed, tousle-haired, oh fuck fuck fuck you are so beautiful acushla, do you know that?

“My roommate,” she says.


Shit. Just what we needed.

*”Ah, now! Now, at last!”
**”You are beautiful, lovely one.”

This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Le Rouret

Status: General

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: Adult

Last Updated: 09/30/04

Original Post: 04/19/04

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