Maedhros/Fingon: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual: 1. Maedhros/Fingon: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

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1. Maedhros/Fingon: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

With full permission from Theresa Green, creator of the Owner’s Guide series. ***CONGRATULATIONS!*** You are now the proud owner of the MAEDHROS and FINGON two-pack! Each of these units is sold separately, or as part of the SONS OF FËANOR and CHILDREN OF FINGOLFIN series. This limited-edition two-pack combines the most popular models of each series. Each of these robust units is a sturdy Noldorin Prince, so please read these instructions carefully to avoid mishap. TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS (MAEDHROS): Name: Maedhros, will also answer to Maitimo, Russandol, Nelyafinwë Type: Noldorin Elf (male) Manufacturer: Spirit of Fire Enterprises Date of Manufacture: Days of the Two Trees Height: 6’8 Length: Impressive. He is called ‘Well-formed’ and ‘the Tall’ for a reason. TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS (FINGON): Name: Fingon (the Valiant), also answers to Findekáno Type: Noldorin Elf (male) Manufacturer: Scions of Kings, Unlimited Date of Manufacture: Days of the Two Trees Height: 6’3 Length: Sufficient. Satisfaction is guaranteed or your money back. ACCESSORIES: Your Son of Fëanor comes with the following useful items: M(a) Superior Sword of Fëanorian make M(b) One Holy-Lite™ Silmaril* M(c) Hair grooming supply kit M(d) Silver circlet featuring Star of Fëanor motif M(e) Forged steel bracelet M(f) Costume befitting First-Age Noldorin prince, including: i.) Cloak ii.) Tunic iii.) Breeches iv.) Mail v.) Glove vi.) Jewelry Your Son of Fingolfin comes with these accessories: F(a) One slightly inferior sword, capable of slicing anything but item M(e) F(b) Gold circlet featuring star motif F(c) THORONDOR accessory unit (Manufactured by All Good Beasts, Inc.) F(d) Bow and quiver F(e) Snowshoes F(f) Banner of blue and silver F(g) Harp F(h) Costume befitting First-Age Noldorin prince, including: i.) Cloak ii.) Tunic iii.) Breeches iv.) Mail v.) Gloves vi.) Jewelry F(i) Complementary trial-size packet of Moral Fiber™ available at fine retailers. Immediately take and conceal item M(b). It is imperative that MAEDHROS does not discover you have done this! *batteries not included INSTALLATION (MAEDHROS): Caution – to avoid tragedy, please follow these instructions carefully or the unnecessary slaughter of innocents may result. Have the following items on hand: lighter fluid, matches, pepper spray, silk scarves, canister of NO2. (1) FINGON and MAEDHROS ship separately, and we recommend you install MAEDHROS first. (2) Expect your unit to be rather upset after shipping. (3) It is necessary to subdue MAEDHROS before removing him from his crate. Vent the entire canister of NO2 into the crate until MAEDHROS stops struggling. (4) Quickly haul him out and tie him up using the silk scarves. (Yes, you can use rope if you really want to…) (5) Douse the crate in lighter fluid. Be prepared to use pepper spray as MAEDRHOS will undoubtedly try to get back in it. (6) Burn the crate as quickly as possible. Expect MAEDHROS to mutter to himself as he mournfully watches the crate burn. (7) Once his crate is gone, MAEDHROS will be much more obedient. Untie him when his wrath subsides, but keep the pepper spray handy. It’s a good idea to release him as soon as possible, as MAEDHROS resents being restrained (unless in play). INSTALLATION (FINGON): To get your FINGON up and running, please be advised of the following: (1) FINGON and MAEDHROS units ship in separate crates, even in the two-pack. This is to give the new owner a chance to adjust their programming before they are exposed to each other, lest they ignore you completely. MAEDHROS will arrive first. (2) All FINGON units ship frozen in a refrigerated crate. (3) It is necessary to warm FINGON before he will be fully functional. (4) To accomplish this, first remove FINGON from his crate. He will be quite unresisting as he is frozen stiff. (5) Unwrap your FINGON unit and expose him to a heat source until he thaws out. We recommend body heat, preferably your own. (6) Once he warms up sufficiently, FINGON will be ready for action. OPERATING PROCEDURE: Your MAEDHROS is a creature of superior intellect and prowess, and can make himself useful at many tasks around the house. Security: MAEDHROS has very strong protective instincts and may gather other First Age ELVEN units in your vicinity to execute his Union of Maedhros program, organizing a neighborhood watch and preventing enemies from entering. MAEDHROS is excellent protection against marauding ORCS and raving FANGIRLS. Lost and Found: Very strong searching instincts make MAEDHROS an excellent sleuth. Describe a missing item to MAEDHROS and he will seek it out and reclaim it at all costs. Use caution with this function, as unnecessary Kinslaying may result. This program is more effective with objects than people. Baby-sitter: While not exactly ‘good with children,’ MAEDHROS will nonetheless keep them safely tucked away if you must leave them in his care. If one or two children happen to go missing, his Lost and Found program will be automatically initiated. Fanfic Author: Give your MAEDHROS quill and parchment, and you will find that he writes superlative action/adventure fanfiction! His specialty, of course, is cliff-hangers. FINGON has many useful talents of his own. Children’s Playmate: Especially useful when run in conjunction with MAEDHROS’ babysitter function. Fingon will happily entertain your children for hours with stories, songs, and games. His specialty is his own musical version of Marco-Polo. Search and Rescue: No matter what the odds, FINGON will brave all and hasten to the rescue of persons in need. He may utilize his musical Marco-Polo skills in this capacity as well. Entertainer: FINGON knows his way around the harp strings and can perform anything from Valinorean ballads to modern easy-listening after hearing a song performed only once! His lovely voice is also an asset. Group him with a DAERON and a MAGLOR and you have the makings of an excellent Boy Band. Nightlight: In dire circumstances, FINGON is capable of producing a white flame, providing lovely illumination in addition to being handy when your pilot light blows out. CLEANING Standard ELVEN bathing procedures are appropriate for these units. FINGON and MAEDHROS are for the most part capable of cleaning themselves and/or each other. This, however, is no reason why you should not feel free to join in. COMPATABILITY (MAEDHROS): MAEDHROS can be programmed with the following settings: *Fluff *Torment *Slash In *Fluff mode, you’ll find that MAEDHROS strongly resembles an Elfling ranging in age anywhere from infancy to majority. He is irresistibly cute, high-spirited, and tends to cause ‘aww’s and amusement wherever he goes (or crawls). MAEDHROS can safely interact with any other unit in *Fluff mode and the result will be entertaining. In *Torment mode, you’ll find MAEDHROS is less amusing (unless you are into that sort of thing). This is the standard factory setting. MAEDHROS is a largely solitary unit, but will get along reasonably well with other units in the SONS OF FËANOR series. He is quite incompatible with any and all ORCS, GOBLINS, WEREWOLVES, and any other units from the FORCES OF DARKNESS lines. Allowing MAEDHROS to interact with any of these will cause maiming and/or death to one or both units. He should also be prevented from interacting with any units of TELERIN origin, whether from Alqualondë Incorporated or Menegroth Manufacturers. *Slash mode produces varied results, depending on units available for interface. Just about any unit in the vicinity will be magnetically drawn to a MAEDRHOS in *Slash mode. ORC units will happily give him a good flogging, while other FORCES OF DARKNESS may be even more creative. A MAEDHROS in *Slash mode will also draw any FINGON units in from a 20-mile radius. These are MAEDHROS’ only three settings. Moderation is not part of his programming. MAEDHROS comes with the following software bundles installed: Adorable Elfling, Unbreakable Oath, Kinslaying v3.0,* Ambidexterity, Fraternal Rage, Union of Maedhros, Swordsmanship, Lost and Found v7.0, Doom of Mandos, and Pyrophilia. *Some older MAEDHROS units may come with Kinslaying v1.0 or 2.0. Version 3.0 incorporates these older versions so that MAEDHROS is up-to-date for all three Kinslayings. If you register an older version of this software, a free copy of 3.0 Update will be shipped to you in the mail. COMPATABILITY (FINGON): FINGON units have three settings: *Fluff *Action/Adventure *Slash FINGON’s *Fluff mode is very similar to MAEDHROS’ and the same description applies. In *Action/Adventure mode, FINGON is prone to performing acts of heroism and self-sacrifice. He will dutifully lead troops into battle or bravely risk all for the sake of a single person. This courageous, charismatic unit is generally well-liked by other MEN and ELVES (exceptions include some of the FËANORIAN units). FINGON will immediately attack and attempt to slay any FORCES OF DARKNESS units he may encounter, and indeed may go seeking them out in this mode. FINGON’s attitude towards MAEDHROS in *Action/Adventure mode is affectionate, brotherly, and loyal. In *Slash mode, FINGON is exclusively (and relentlessly) attracted to MAEDHROS. ***WARNING*** It is imperative you do not expose your FINGON to any GOTHMOG or other BALROG units. Damage and death may result. FINGON comes with the following software bundles installed: Valiant Elfling, Valiant Moral Superiority*, Valiant Search and Rescue, Valiant High King, Valiant Friendship, and Valiant Swordsmanship. *This is the equivalent of the MANWË unit’s Goody Two-Shoes software, repackaged for ELVEN units. ***NOTE*** Specialty stores carry optional accessory software for both units. Optional software for MAEDHROS includes: Foster Parenting for Beginners, Incipient Madness, and Boating for Dummies v1.1. FINGON units can be augmented with Valiant Kinslaying Lite, Valiant Husband, and Valiant Fatherhood. FINGON and MAEDHROS units are compatible in any combination of settings, except for Fluff/Slash, because that’s just wrong. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS Q: My MAEDHROS used to be a quiet, sensible, and reliable unit. Now he’s defiant, moody, and angsty. What happened? A: It’s likely that your MAEDHROS has recently come into contact with a FËANOR unit, which is notorious for his Public Speaking program. FËANOR has likely reprogrammed MAEDHROS and incited him to rebellion. Check his settings and try to interest him in some stress-relieving activities. Note: Sailing is not an appropriate hobby for MAEDHROS. Q: I’ve noticed some ORC units putting up posters around the neighborhood with pictures of my FINGON on them. What is going on!? A: Ask around the neighborhood and find out who has a MORGOTH unit nearby. This dark VALA has put a price on FINGON’s head, and the ORC units are putting up wanted posters. Have your two ELF units gather as many other neighborhood ELVES as possible and smite the offending neighbor’s gates. Q: A package came in the mail for MAEDHROS with an absolutely hideous helmet in it, and now MAEDRHOS wants to hang it on the wall! I’m afraid to argue with him – what should I do? A: It is the Dwarf-helm of Azaghâl, sent to your MAEDHROS as a gift by the DWARF-lord. To get rid of the ugly thing, convince MAEDHROS that he should give it to FINGON as a gift, which he will readily do. FINGON (who has more taste than MAEDHROS) will in turn hand it off to the nearest available HADOR unit, who will pass it to GALDOR, who will give it to HÚRIN, and eventually it will find its way into the hands of a TÚRIN unit as the Dragon-helm of Dor-Lómion. TÚRIN’s taste is bad enough to actually hang on to the thing. Q: Last week my MAEDHROS began acting erratic. Recently he’s had several near-misses with incidents involving fire. He keeps attempting to self-immolate. What is happening? A: Check the location and status of item M(b), the Silmaril. If your MAEDHROS has discovered its hiding place and claimed it, he is likely being tormented by holy fire, for no unhallowed hand may touch it. Take the Silmaril away from him and immediately cast it into the sea. (Remember to keep pepper-spray handy.) Q: My MAEDHROS and FINGON are always slipping off together. I hear them making a lot of noise in the bedroom, along with a lot of banging and shouting. I’ve heard MAEDHROS tell FINGON that he was going ‘to run him through.’ Why are they fighting, and what should I do? A: As long as both units are set to *Slash mode, there is nothing to worry about. They are merely relieving stress. No matter what mode he’s in, MAEDHROS will never intentionally hurt FINGON, and we guarantee he won’t run FINGON through in any way he won’t enjoy. TROUBLE SHOOTING: Problem: Your MAEDHROS unit has disappeared and an ORC unit has delivered a ransom note. Solution: Your FINGON unit is well-equipped to deal with this problem. Pile all of his accessories on him and set him to *Action/Adventure mode. Send THORONDOR along with him, and FINGON will not fail to find and rescue MAEDHROS.* Problem: You followed the above, but your MAEDHROS unit is now sans one hand. Solution: This, unfortunately, is MAEDHROS’ fate. However, with his Ambidexterity program, your MAEDHROS will learn to wield a sword in his left hand with even more deadly ability than his right. Reassure him that he is still attractive and remind him that he only needs one hand to…ehrm, wield his sword. If this is unsatisfactory, replacement parts may be available from the manufacturer. Problem: Your MAEDHROS is moody, withdrawn, and volatile and you keep catching him trying to initiate his Kinslaying program. Solution: Once again, FINGON to the rescue. Put both units on *Slash mode, give them some privacy and a few accessories and the problem should take care of itself. If anything ever happens to your FINGON unit, you are advised to replace it as soon as possible, or dire consequences could result. Problem: Suddenly an Elfling has appeared in your midst, and you have no idea where he could have possibly come from. Solution: Congratulations! You have experienced the spontaneous generation of an EREINION unit! This may or may not be the result of your units interfacing in *Slash mode. EREINION is the Scion of Kings and comes with Ambiguous Paternity programming; you do not have to return him. This cheerful little fellow is (possibly) the son of FINGON, and will grow up to be a manly High King, so take good care of him! If you wish, you can purchase accessory software and allow FINGON and MAEDHROS to attempt to rear him, or you may send your new EREINION to a CÍRDAN unit to be fostered. Problem: MAEDHROS disappeared for several weeks and came home with two strange Elflings you’ve never seen before. Solution: These adorable fellows are the SONS OF EÄRENDIL twin-pack. If you do not wish to buy the Foster Parenting for Dummies accessory software, try to find out who they belong to and return them. If you cannot, find the nearest MAGLOR unit and give the Elflings to him. Problem: While hanging out with some friends, MAEHDROS suddenly pitched an inexplicable fit of rage. Solution: MAEDHROS has finally become intolerably frustrated by people mispronouncing his name as ‘Made-rōs.’ All you can do is wait for him to calm down and make sure you do not make the same mistake. Problem: Even when not in *Fluff mode, you notice MAEDHROS treats your FINGON like an Elfling, and FINGON meekly obeys his every word. Solution: You have accidentally been issued an ELROND unit instead of FINGON. While these two units closely resemble one another, their programming is quite different. On the other hand…you have an ELROND unit! Deal with it! Problem: When you opened the crate, you found two MAEDHROS units in it, and one of them jumped back inside the crate while you were trying to burn it. Solution: You have accidentally been issued the AMBARUSSA twin-pack, AMROD and AMRAS. If the crate and both units are intact, you may return them to the manufacturer along with your proof of purchase of MAEDHROS, and the correct unit will be sent to you. If, however, you have accidentally burned one unit alive inside the crate, the other is non-returnable as they are never sold separately. You will have to keep him and purchase another MAEDHROS. Sorry, no exceptions. *Manufacturers are not liable for any damage to any unit which may result. FINAL NOTE: GUARANTEE FINGON comes with a lifetime(yours) guarantee. After the normal span of your years, we make no promises, so your heirs may one day find that their FINGON unit suspiciously resembles roadkill. MAEDHROS, however, comes with an unlimited guarantee* for as long as the Earth lasts. *fëa only. MAEDHROS’ hröa guaranteed for one life-age of the Earth.

This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Tenshi Androgynous

Status: Reviewed

Completion: Complete

Era: 1st Age

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 04/08/04

Original Post: 04/05/04

Go to Maedhros/Fingon: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual overview


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