With full permission from Theresa Green, creator of the Owner’s Guide series.
You are now the proud owner of FINROD FELAGUND! This charismatic and loveable unit is sure to give you many years of pleasurable service. To get the most out of your Friend-of-Men, please read the following manual carefully and follow all instructions. FINROD may be sold separately or in the CHILDREN OF FINARFIN-5 series quint-pack.
also called Felagund, Nóm
Type: Male Elf (25% Noldor, 25% Vanyar, 50% Teleri)
Manufacturers: Nargothrond Enterprises
Date of Manufacture: Days of the Two Trees
Height: Inferior to most other Noldorin Prince units
Length: In no way a reflection of his height
Your FINROD is a multi-functional unit, and comes with these useful items:
(a) Silver Crown of Nargothrond
(b) Ring with Serpent Motif
(d) Costume befitting First-Age Noldorin Prince
(g) Handy-Hewer™ mining kit
(h) Pile of Noldorin treasure
(i) Trial-size packet of Moral Fiber™
Do not attempt to deprive your FINROD of accessory (a). He will willingly surrender it only to an ORODRETH unit.
To properly install your FINROD, please be advised of the following:
(1.) All FINROD units are delivered by refrigerated truck.
(2.) Instead of a crate, you’ll find your FINROD and his accessories are shipped encased in a block of ice.
(3.) Leave him out in the yard for a few days so the ice will melt.
(4.) Before you know it, the sun will rise and your FINROD will revive.
(5.) Once he thaws out, sing to him for a while then pretend to fall asleep in front of him.
(6.) The sight of your sleeping form will amaze and delight FINROD, and stir love in his heart.
(7.) FINROD will sing you a lullaby, at which point you should get up and greet him.
(8.) You will know installation is a success when FINROD offers you his friendship.
All FINROD units are programmed with three modes of operation:
FINROD is beloved by ELVES and MEN alike. In *Humor
mode, you’ll notice that your FINROD may closely resemble an Inscrutably Super-cute Elfling. This is normal. FINROD can safely interact with any unit other than FORCES OF DARKNESS in this mode. He may make light of dire situations with his 1000watt smile.
mode, FINROD is prone to swearing oaths of friendship which may involve the gifting of accessory (b), having serious conversations, and being generally Kingly. He is noble of heart and mind and gentle of temperament, so he will make every effort to get along with any other unit other than FORCES OF DARKNESS. He is especially drawn to MEN units and eagerly befriends them. He may bring stray MEN home to keep as pets. FINROD is also very friendly with DWARVES, easily winning their respect and friendship.
mode is exclusively for dire circumstances. FINROD is self-sacrificing and will interpose himself between his friends and danger. He will get himself into very ugly situations but will nonetheless face all peril with a song. All FORCES OF DARKNESS are drawn to a FINROD unit in *Horror
FINROD comes with the following software bundles installed: Inscrutable Super-Cuteness, Smug Chastity, Friend-of-Men, Occasional Foresight v2.3, Hewer of Caves, Oath of Friendship v2.0, Duel of Songs, Spells for All Seasons, Virtuous King,
and Doom of Mandos.
FINROD is an Elf of many talents and you’ll find he can be put to one of any number of constructive uses.
: Are your children having trouble in school? Let FINROD handle their education. Just listening to him makes a person smarter.
: Planning any extensions to your home? Avoid the hassle of applying for expensive city permits, and have FINROD delve your spacious new additions completely underground. No one ever needs to know about your luxurious subterranean stronghold.
: FINROD is very protective of those to whom he gives his friendship, and will guard the life of another with his own, if needs be.
: FINROD is a talented diplomat, and can act as ambassador between you and any foreign peoples you may encounter. You’ll find that he can read the thoughts of MEN, even if their language is not the same.
: On occasion, FINROD will have episodes of eerie prescience. If you’re wondering about the fate of the stock market or the outcome of a sporting event, ask FINROD if he’s had any bouts of unusual foresight lately.
: This musically inclined ELF delights to share his musical abilities. A singer of great renown, he is also skilled with the harp. Even the crudest instrument in the hands of a FINROD can produce the sweetest songs you’ve ever heard.
: No more going to Wal-Mart for your children’s Halloween costumes! With FINROD’s Spells for All Seasons
, he can conjure a disguise appropriate for any occasion. (Also useful for playing Santa at Christmas! FINROD loves handing out gifts!)
Standard ELVEN bathing procedures apply. Unlike many ELVES, FINROD loves to play in the dirt. He is frequently filthy from playing with his Handy-Hewer™, so regular bathing is necessary. While FINROD is for the most part capable of cleaning himself, this is no reason you shouldn’t be neighborly and give him a hand.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
I’ve noticed that, unlike many other ELVEN units, FINROD has no slash mode. How do I get the most out of my FINROD FELAGUND?
We suggest you start by deleting his Smug Chastity
software. This program causes FINROD to avoid any situation where his virtue is threatened. His slash potential is therefore very low. In addition, FINROD will pine for AMARIË, but because of his Occasional Foresight
will not marry her and will therefore refuse all others. Uninstalling his Smug Chastity
will change all this and greatly expand his potential uses.
I followed the installation instructions, but when my block of ice thawed it was not the gorgeous blonde ELF unit that I expected but instead a DUNGALEF THE ORC! What gives!?
Worry not! Your DUNGALEF actually is
FINROD! He is using his Spells for All Seasons
in order to disguise himself to travel through potentially unfriendly territory. To break the spell, you can either convince him he is among friends and his disguise is unnecessary, or you can rent or borrow a SAURON unit to forcibly strip him naked (of his disguise). Either way, it’s up to you.
My FINROD is always hanging around in the basement and I catch him scratching around in the corners. What is going on?
FINROD’s Occasional Foresight
program has been initiated by exposure to an ULMO unit. He desires a realm of his own, and is attempting to dig himself a stronghold in your basement.
What should I do about this?
Hire some DWARF units to help him out. FINROD easily befriends DWARVES and will pay them with his accessory (h), Pile of Noldorin treasure. In return, they will help him delve his caves, and will even make for him the Nauglamír, a carcanet of gold set with jewels, in token of esteem.
My neighbor has the entire SONS OF FËANOR series, and we want to get together with all our ELVEN units for a hunt. Is this a good idea?
Yes and no. FINROD gets along well with MAGLOR and MAEDHROS and will happily go hunting with them. However, FINROD is easily distracted and will most likely wander away during the chase. In addition, CELEGORM and CURUFIN units are notorious muck-rakers, and will endeavor to turn all ELVEN units against FINROD. If you two are not careful, you may find yourselves thrust like beggars from your own gate.
What is this trial-size packet of Moral Fiber™ for?
Moral Fiber™ is a specially-formulated cereal for Elves of Incorruptible Goodness. It keeps them stable, regular, and sane. If you give Moral Fiber™ to your FINROD and like the results, you can find this fine cereal at the nearest specialty store.
My neighbor, who has the largest collection of FORCES OF DARKNESS units I’ve ever seen, owns several WEREWOLF units and they’ve been giving my FINROD the eye in a way that I just don’t care for. What should I do?
Talk to your neighbor and find out what she’s been feeding them. Chances are she’s been giving them Felaground-beef™, the most popular wolf-kibble on the market, which is made from decommissioned FINROD units. Try to persuade her to give them an alternative kibble, such as Beren-bites™. If this does not work, consider investing in a HUAN THE HOUND (Manufactured by All Good Beasts, Inc.).
Your FINROD arrived already thawed out. He acts meek and shows no interest in adventure.
You have accidentally been issued a FINARFIN unit. If you do not wish to keep this timid but sensible unit, return him to the manufacturers with proof of purchase and the correct unit will be sent to you.
FINROD is a huge disappointment. He is a useless, cowardly, dullard of a weakling.
This brainless beauty is actually an ORODRETH. If you have no use for an ELF with more beauty than talent, the return policy is the same as FINARFIN.
Your FINROD unit seems pensive, moody and sad.
FINROD has recently witnessed the expiration of a BËOR unit. This is his first experience with units that do not last forever, and your FINROD’s gentle heart is breaking. To cheer him up, you must entice him with some distracting activities, such as offering to let him delve your cave.*
[*Note: This will provoke one of two reactions, depending on if you have uninstalled the Smug Chastity
Some neighborhood ELVES are planning an offensive, and naturally your FINROD wants to go along. You are concerned about his safety.
Buy or rent a BARAHIR to send along with him. Should disaster befall them, BARAHIR (or possibly another unit of the HEROES OF MEN series) will not fail to come to the rescue of a FINROD in need.
A ragged-looking BEREN unit has showed up at your house, waving around a ring and beseeching your FINROD for aid.
The ring is indeed the Ring of Barahir. When in need, BEREN is programmed to seek out the nearest FINROD unit for help. Your FINROD will fulfill his Oath of Friendship
programming at any cost, so you will not be able to dissuade him. Pick a couple of other units to accompany them and pack them sack lunches, then send them on their way.
FINROD has been missing for weeks after leaving with BEREN, and you notice your neighbor’s CELEGORM and CURUFIN are smirking an awful lot.
Unfortunately, your FINROD has likely been made into Felaground-beef™. Accept our condolences and a coupon good for 10% off your next purchase of FINROD FELAGUND.
FINAL NOTE – GUARANTEE
All FINROD FELAGUND units come with an expiration date. Until that time, your unit and all his components are under full warranty. After his expiration, you are advised to return your FINROD to the manufacturers to be used for Felaground-beef™, and you will receive a voucher for a discount on your next purchase of FINROD. Good luck and enjoy!
Felaground-beef™ and Beren-bites™ flavored MEATIES kibble are registered trademarks of Hellhound Cuisine.
Moral Fiber™ cereal is available at specialty stores.
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.