1. Eöl: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***
You are now the proud owner of EÖL, the dark smith of Nan Elmoth! Thank you for giving a home to this misunderstood and much-maligned Dark Elf. If you follow these instructions and treat him right, you’ll find that this quirky and eccentric unit will give you at least several years of faithful service. Once you have an EÖL, you’ll never be able to get rid of him!
Name: Eöl the Dark
Type: Dark Elf (male), Sindarin
Manufacturers: Moriquendi Ltd, Nan Elmoth
Date of Manufacture: Before the Trees
Height: Stooped, indeterminate
Length: Guaranteed superior to Noldorin units.
EÖL is not happy unless he has something to occupy his hands. The manufacturer therefore provides these useful accessories:
(a) One set of Suitably Intimidating Galvorn™ Armor
(b) One set of metal-smithing tools
(c) One anvil
(d) One hammer
(e) One set of tongs
(f) One javelin, poison-tipped
(g) Assorted Silent Servants
(h) Kit containing various raw materials including:
i) Iron ore
ii) Gold ore
iii) Precious stones
iv) Chunk of radioactive meteor
v) Raw mithril
To reap the full benefits of your EÖL, installation is a critical process. EÖL is programmed to imprint on the first female he sees upon being taken out of the crate. Use the following procedure to insure success:
1) Place crate in a dark and secluded area, such as the basement or your closet. This is where EÖL will be spending most of his time.
2) Dress yourself in a filmy white gown and try to look as distressed and helpless as possible.
3) Open the crate quietly and allow EÖL to observe you from your most flattering angle.
4) You will know imprinting has been successful when EÖL invites you to join him in his crate.
Your EÖL has three pre-programmed modes of operation:
While *Reclusive is the standard factory setting, it will take the owner some time to learn the very subtle differences between the three settings. In *Reclusive mode, EÖL will avoid interacting with any other units to the extent which he is able. Your EÖL will only switch out of *Reclusive mode if he is properly imprinted onto a female.
In *Romantic mode, you’ll find EÖL becomes terribly possessive and jealous. He will put his smithing accessories to good use and will forge lovely gifts for you. He will have a hostile attitude towards all your relations and anyone else who speaks to you.
Try to avoid running your EÖL in *Homicidal mode unless you have tiresome company that just won’t leave, or FANGIRLS who are harassing your other ELVEN units.
EÖL is not particularly inclined to interact with any other units of any kind. He is hostile towards MEN and ELVES alike, and inspires no love in any of AREDHEL’s relations, especially TURGON. EÖL has special enmity for any units of the SONS OF FËANOR series, especially CURUFIN and CELEGORM, who are known to bully EÖL.
There are two exceptions to his general hatred. EÖL will willingly interface with AREDHEL units (for instructions please see AdultFanFic.net). If you allow your EÖL to interface with an AREDHEL, you may find that a MAEGLIN will result. EÖL is also generally friendly with any and all DWARF units, even those which have been set to *Slash mode. In fact, if you look at EÖL and DWARF units side-by-side, you will see they are practically made for each other.
Aside from being a nice decoration, EÖL is very highly skilled and has talents that can be put to a number of good uses around the house.
Security: EÖL takes the privacy and defense of his home very seriously. Absolutely no unwelcome persons will defile the sanctuary of your house if you allow EÖL to take charge of greeting visitors. With a lesson or two in modern electricity, EÖL will gleefully install a lethal-voltage fence on your property.
Repairman: You will find that EÖL is extremely derisive of shoddy workmanship. Upon his arrival, he will immediately go through your house and destroy any and all objects of inferior Noldorin make you may have around and forge suitable and superior replacements.
Home Improvement: Planning any remodeling to your house? Allow EÖL to plan and execute your spacious new additions! You’ll find that he excels at forging locks and bolts, building secret hideaways, and very tall fences.
Tracking: EÖL’s stubborn persistence makes him an ideal tracker. Once he sets out to find someone or something, nothing will deter him until he finds his quarry or his death.
Masseuse: Oh, yes. EÖL is very good with his hands, and his talents extend beyond mere metal-work. Put yourself in his capable hands, and you’ll find that EÖL gives a first-rate massage.
Entertainer: Despite his reticence, you will find that EÖL is a hit at parties, especially with children, thanks to his amazing ‘Talking Sword Trick.’
EÖL comes with the following software bundle installed: Smithing for Dark Geniuses v2.0, Dysfunctional Parenting v2.2, Marriage for Dummies, Unrelenting Pursuit, General Enmity, and Marksmanship v3.1*
*Note: Due to numerous bugs found in this software after release, all copies of Marksmanship v3.1 have been recalled. You may find that this buggy software will affect your EÖL’s performance with accessory (f). If you register this software, you will be sent a free copy of Marksmanship v3.2 as soon as it is released.
EÖL will submit to the same standard bathing procedure as any other ELVEN unit. Thanks to his metal-smithing hobbies, however, you will find that EÖL is frequently grungy, thus affording you the opportunity to bathe him as often as you like. In *Romantic mode, EÖL will eagerly return the favor.
EÖL is very sensitive to sunlight, and will avoid bright light when he can.
EÖL is also not fond of heights.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My EÖL has threatened to ‘stick me with his javelin.’ What should I do?
A: In order to react properly and avoid a tragic mishap, it is imperative to know whether your EÖL is set to operate in *Romantic or *Homicidal mode. This can mean the crucial difference between a genuine death threat, or merely EÖL’s idea of foreplay.
Q: Since arriving, my EÖL has been completely nocturnal. He sleeps all day and only comes out at night. Is this unusual, and how can I change it?
A: Unfortunately, this is standard behavior for all EÖL units. Your unit was manufactured in the forest of perpetual night, and it is impossible to replicate his natural habitat. He loathes sunlight and will avoid it if at all possible. This programming cannot be changed, so try to schedule your interaction time with EÖL accordingly. Besides, what were you really planning to do with EÖL you couldn’t do at night, anyway?
Q: My EÖL came home beaten up this morning. He complained that ‘those devious, treacherous sons of an orc,’ had harassed him. What happened, and what can I do about it?
A: It sounds like your EÖL had a run-in with some SONS OF FËANOR. Find out who they belong to, and try to persuade their owner(s) to curb their behavior. If you are unable to come to a peaceful solution, then buy or rent a DIOR unit and pair him with EÖL. Together, they should be able to take care of the problem.
Q: There is a THINGOL unit in our neighborhood who has also been giving EÖL some trouble, and I know that DIOR won’t to anything about him. What can we do?
A: Have EÖL use his smithing tools and raw material (h-iv) to forge a pair of Strangely Sentient Swords. If he gives one to THINGOL, he will be left alone. Be warned, however, that EÖL begrudges anything he is compelled to part with, so some of the dark heart of the smith will go into the weapon.
Q: My EÖL has threatened to ‘stick me with his javelin,’ and I know he is in *Homicidal mode. What do I do!?
A: If your EÖL is running Marksmanship v3.1, as long as EÖL is aiming at you, you should be perfectly safe. In addition, if there is an AREDHEL unit around, she will throw herself in front of you and the javelin will surely hit her instead. Yes, even this treacherous, faithless wench unit has her uses.
Problem: You want to make a trip that will involve traveling by day, and EÖL insists on accompanying you.
Solution: You will not be able to dissuade EÖL, so by all means, take him with you. To protect EÖL’s sensitive, vulnerable skin from the sun, give him thorough and frequent applications of sunscreen over every square inch of his body, just to be safe.
Problem: Recently you have noticed some strange red rashes on EÖL’s thighs when bathing him that cannot be explained.
Solution: Ask around in your neighborhood and try to find out if there are any DWARF units nearby that have been set to *Slash mode. Be sure to thoroughly medicate your EÖL’s beard-burns by gently rubbing his tender, inflamed flesh with a soothing lotion or other lubricant.
Problem: EÖL refuses to listen to your commands and instead gives you a dirty look every time you speak to him. You are afraid he may be on the verge of switching to *Homicidal mode.
Solution: Many people who have owned other ELVES have become accustomed to giving commands in Quenya. This will only provoke and enrage your EÖL, however. Do not use Quenya around him, and instead only give him commands in Sindarin or English.
Problem: EÖL seems depressed and despondent (more so than usual) and shows no interest in his forge or weapons.
Solution: Despite his skills and talents, deep down EÖL is very insecure and fears rejection and abandonment. Have his wife and son recently left him? Have you been paying enough attention to him? To cheer up EÖL, first reassure him that both he and his weapon are in all ways superior to the Noldor, then proceed to persuade him to give you a demonstration of his prowess. Never miss an opportunity to stroke your EÖL’s…erhm, ego.
Problem: Your EÖL unit is sly and crafty as per his description and avoids sunlight as expected, but his appearance leaves much to be desired and he always reeks of fish.
Solution: Your EÖL is actually a GOLLUM. If you wish to make an exchange, please send proof of your purchase of EÖL along with GOLLUM back to the manufacturers and the correct unit will be sent to you.
FINAL NOTE – GUARANTEE
Unlike most other ELVEN units, EÖL comes with only a 20-year guarantee. We understand this is disappointing, so your EÖL package will come with a bonus coupon towards the purchase of a MAEGLIN. Whether you own these two units concurrently or not, MAEGLIN is bound to eventually follow in his father’s fate.
Your best chance for incident-free operation is to stay at home with EÖL forever and to never go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone. In addition, you should both stay away from perilous heights. Good luck and enjoy!
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.