1. Túrin : The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual
*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***
You are now the proud owner of TÚRIN TURAMBAR! TÚRIN may be sold separately or with NIENOR in the CHILDREN OF HÚRIN two-pack (specially marked two-packs come with coupon for a free LALAITH). The son of the fairest of all Mortals, your TÚRIN has no rival in beauty among Men. This doughty and eccentric unit from the HEROES OF MEN series requires special care, so please read through the entire manual before opening!*
*Note – All sales of TÚRIN TURAMBAR are final - no refunds or exchanges even on unopened units!
Name: Túrin, will also answer to Turambar, Neithan, Gorthol, Agarwaen, Mormegil, Adanedhel, etc…
Type: Man of Dor-Lómion
Manufacturers: The House of Hador, Ltd., Children of Húrin Division
Date of Manufacture: 165, First Age of the Sun
Length: Adjustable. See supplemental ‘Lay of Leithian’ text, Spell of Lengthening
Your TÚRIN comes equipped with the following items to help him fulfill his functions as a HERO OF MEN:
(a) Strangely Sentient Sword – may be either Anglachel or Gurthol model, with or without bloodstains
(b) Dragon-Helm of Dor-Lómion
(c) Flask containing Water of Ivrin
(d) Large, heavy drinking goblet
(e) Suitably grubby fur-and-leather clothing
(f) Three sheets of name-tag stickers
(g) Travel-pack of lembas
(h) One complimentary companion unit – may be one of the following: NÍNIEL, FINDUILAS, BELEG, or GWINDOR
(i) One complimentary foe unit – may be one of the following: SAEROS, BRANDIR, BRODDA, or GLAURUNG*
*Due to parcel length, extra shipping charges apply to GLAURUNG.
*** CAUTION ***
TÚRIN is an extremely temperamental unit, so use care when opening and always supervise his interactions with others.
Prior to removing your TÚRIN from his crate, have the following items on hand: chloroform, bucket with warm soapy water, scrub brush, comb, razor, scissors.
Use the following procedure:
1.) Upon opening the crate, promptly drug your TÚRIN until he is safely unconscious.
2.) Quickly remove item (e), suitably grubby fur-and-leather clothing. Discard if desired.
3.) Use soapy water and scrub brush to clean your TÚRIN.
4.) Use comb, razor, and scissors to groom TÚRIN. Do a thorough job, as TÚRIN will not give you another opportunity to care for his appearance. Any further attempt to do so may prove fatal.
5.) Dress your TÚRIN in appropriate clothing (optional).
Your TÚRIN has three pre-programmed modes of operation:
*Gloomy is the standard factory setting. In this mode TÚRIN can safely interact with most other units except for any FORCES OF DARKNESS. However, accidental harm may come to even friendly units, triggering TÚRIN to switch to either *Tormented or *Suicidal modes.
TÚRIN gets along well with most ELVES, having been fostered by a THINGOL unit. Major exceptions include the SAEROS unit – it is recommended that you withhold both items (a) and (d) when your unit interacts with a SAEROS. Unfortunately, as TÚRIN is a lightning-rod for sudden calamity, even friendly ELVES tend to be damaged or killed after interacting with TÚRIN. Therefore TÚRIN should be carefully supervised when interacting with GWINDOR, BELEG, ORODRETH, or FINDUILAS. TÚRIN is especially fond of BELEG, and allow him to handle both his sword and his helmet.
While TÚRIN is a MAN, he has a short temper which is easily provoked. TÚRIN units are hostile towards most MEN and DWARVES, and death and injuries frequently result from interacting with them. TÚRIN has friendlier attitudes towards units related to himself, including all those manufactured by House of Hador; however, this does not cancel out his lightning-rod effect.
TÚRIN will gleefully slay any complimentary foe unit.
Not only is your TÚRIN ruggedly handsome, he also comes pre-programmed with numerous skills. TÚRIN can make himself useful performing many household tasks.
Household Defense: Your TÚRIN is both aggressive and combative. He is hostile towards all strangers and many friends. With TÚRIN guarding your door, you will no longer have to worry about marauding ORCS, distant relatives, or raving FANGIRLS.
Travel guide: TÚRIN has seen a great deal of the world! He is adept at planning long trips and will unfailingly guide you and your party to every worthwhile attraction, no matter how dangerous.
Hunter: TÚRIN is handy with both bow and sword and seldom fails to kill something every time he leaves the house.
Motivational Speaker: This HERO OF MEN is a born leader and will quickly incite even the most peaceful of peoples to sudden and bloody riot. Also useful in situations where usurping authority is necessary.
Children’s Guardian: If your children are having trouble with bullies, let them take TÚRIN along to school. TÚRIN can out-bully any kid on the block, although he can be defeated in a staring contest. Be wary if his mother is insulted – death and injury may result!
TÚRIN comes with the following software installed: Curse of Morgoth, Blind Wrath, Guilt-Induced Madness, Filial Rage, Petulant Sulk, Incestuous Relations, and his standard OS, Walking Disaster.
As a HERO OF MEN, TÚRIN requires less personal grooming than many other units. In fact, it is best to allow your TÚRIN to look after himself completely in this area.
***WARNING*** Do not, under any circumstances, make fun of your TÚRIN’s appearance should he fall behind in his bathing. Do not attempt to clean him yourself. The mere sight of a comb in your hand may provoke his Blind Wrath program and TÚRIN may attack you using item (d). This can result in serious injury or death!
TÚRIN son of HÚRIN is a magnet for bad luck. He must be supervised at all times lest his actions have unfortunate and tragic consequences.
***WARNING*** Do not, under any circumstances, try to awaken TÚRIN when he is in Rest/Recharge mode. Any attempt to do so may prove fatal!
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My TÚRIN acts moody and depressed all the time. He has frequent accidents and is often violent. What is wrong?
A: Nothing. Your TÚRIN is simply carrying out his standard programming.
Q: Last week I sent my TÚRIN to the grocery store to run errands. He insisted on driving himself but promptly backed the car over the family dog and hit a school bus on the way back!
A: Congratulations. Your TÚRIN is functioning perfectly.
Q: My TÚRIN has gone on a rampage! He rallied half the neighborhood into making war on the other half, then turned around and slaughtered most of his own troops!
A: You are beginning to get the idea.
Q: Why is TÚRIN such a loser?
A: Your TÚRIN has the Curse of Morgoth programming installed; this is standard for all HÚRIN-related units. It ensures that what he desires he will not gain and all his designs will go awry.
Q: Is there any way to remove his Curse of Morgoth software?
A: Set your TÚRIN to *Suicidal mode and the problem should take care of itself.*
***NOTE*** The House of Hador, Ltd. is not liable for any mishaps which may or may not result.
Problem: Your TÚRIN pays no attention to your NÍNIEL unit but shows great interest in FINDUILAS and appears to have only one hand.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued a BEREN unit, another one of the HEROES OF MEN series. If you, for some strange reason, still want a TÚRIN instead, return BEREN with receipt and an exchange TÚRIN unit with a coupon for a free BELEG will be sent to you.
Problem: Your TÚRIN doesn’t live up to his hype. He sulks and mutters properly enough, but his appearance leaves much to be desired.
Solution: Your TÚRIN is actually a GOLLUM. You may or may not wish to make an exchange.
Problem: Your TÚRIN threw a temper-tantrum and ran off. He refuses to come home and instead skulks in the woods with unsavory characters.
Solution: Obtain a BELEG unit and send him after TÚRIN. BELEG comes with Faithful Companion programming and will not fail to find and comfort TÚRIN.
Problem: You followed the above procedure. However, your TÚRIN came home with his sword bloody and there is no sign of BELEG. Now TÚRIN seems to have gone into *Tormented mode and you cannot snap him out of it.
Solution: Unfortunately, your TÚRIN has likely slaughtered BELEG. This happens. To cure your TÚRIN, have your GWINDOR give him a swig from accessory (c), flask containing the Water of Ivrin.
Problem: Your TÚRIN is still depressed after consuming accessory (c).
Solution: Encourage your TÚRIN to change his name and he will be fine until his next disaster. Utilize accessory (f), name tag stickers, to avoid possibly tragic confusion. [Note: If you have a NIENOR unit, you may wish to give her a sticker or two as well in case she encounters a GLAURUNG, which is known to spontaneously reprogram other units.]
Problem: TÚRIN is still mopey and beginning to operate in *Suicidal mode.
Solution: Distract your TÚRIN by paying extra-special attention to him. Offer to sharpen his sword, or to polish his Dragon-Helmet. TÚRIN is fully functional, so be sure that all his needs are being met. (If desired, you may purchase a replacement BELEG to carry out these tasks.)
FINAL NOTE – GUARANTEE
Due to the mercurial and schizophrenic nature of TÚRIN TURAMBAR, we sadly cannot make any guarantees. Nor can we accept liability for damage to any other units which may occur when interacting with TÚRIN.
Your best chance for incident-free operation of TÚRIN is to pair him with a NÍNIEL unit and keep them far, far away from any DRAGONS, cliffs, or pointy objects. Best of luck, and enjoy!
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.