Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The: 7. Is That a Polka-Dot?

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7. Is That a Polka-Dot?

It was oddly silent in lecture theatre two, as hundreds of students sat upright and awaited Lord Elrond and the first class of 'Elven Customs and Language 101'. Part of the reason for the silence was a mean looking Miss Cam sitting by the door, cuddling one of the mini-Balrogs. The other part was the wild rumours about just how strict Elrond was.

At the very front sat Celebrían (A name sure to raise Elrond's attention, Lina thought) and Arien, who had nearly broken into a fight over who got to sit nearest to where Elrond would be. They were still eyeing each other warily.

Fast footsteps echoed through the hallway, the door swung open and… In walked Lord Elrond, looking extremely pissed and with polka-dotted hair. Yellow and pink polka-dotted hair.

There was a stunned silence. A few giggles waved through the room, but no one dared laugh out loud.

Marching down to the lecturer's desk, Elrond slammed five heavy books onto the table and eyed the crowd.

“Which abysmal idiot person has been selling hair care products made for humans to elves?!” he hissed.

“Umm…Is Elvish hair different from human?” asked a brave soul.

“You tell me. Does your hair turn polka-dotted when you use hair care products? Did you know there isn't even a word in Quenya or Sindarin for polka-dotted? Did you know I had to invent one, and then register it with the Elvish Language Committee just so I could tell my wife why I could not wear yellow robes today? Do you know how many forms the ELC requires filled in? DO YOU?”

No one dared speak. In her seat, Jules squirmed uncomfortably and looked as if a big neon sign with 'GUILTY' was pointing at her.

“If I find this moron, you'll be sure to feel the wrath of an ELF-LORD!” As he spoke the room darkened and his eyes blazed. “Now, I see we have several pointy-eared people here. You think that makes you an Elf?”

“I am an Elf!” exclaimed young Nimroth, whom Lina'd had many a times an urge to rip the ears off. Just because she'd been lucky enough to be an elf was no reason to show off the ears at any given opportunity.

“Oh, are you now? What division of elf are you, pray tell?”

“Wood elf,” she shot back.

Elrond rolled his eyes. “How original. So let me get this straight, you all want to be elves to get Legolas?”

Most nodded, but Arien rose her hand. “I want to get you.”

Elrond looked taken aback for a moment before regaining his dignity

“Forget I asked. To pass this subject I will test you in the history of the elves, singing, Sindarin and Quenya and important historical characters. Galadriel will hold a guest lecture on the tales of the first age, while Haldir will later in the semester talk about the elves of Lothlórien. Any questions?”

Bravely, Lina raised her hand. “Is it true the exam is to write a fanfic in Elvish with no self-inserted character?”

“No.”

A wave of relief went through the theatre.

“But that is an excellent idea, miss Holling.”

“You had to ask, didn't you?” Dot muttered angrily.

“Miss Celebrían, let go of my robe. Thank you. Now, Gandalf said go easy on you the first week, so you only have to read 'Names to Remember: Important Elves' till next class. I shall have a test to make sure you have read. If my hair is still polka-dotted, I will also test you in the appropriate construction of a lament.”

Jules squirmed again, getting a speculative look from Elrond.

“Miss Jules, are you sick?”

“N-no.”

“Then please stop looking like an orc on hot coal. Posture, children. Elves need posture. We are Immortal, the Firstborn. We do not lurk about looking like we apologise for just living. Honestly, you are as sad as a halfling deprived of his mushrooms.”

All the hobbits jerked up at the mention of mushrooms, then sank back into their chairs looking disappointed.

“Excuse me?” Arien was waving her hand again. “I found this.. Could you translate it for me?”

She held forward a piece of parchment scribbled with Elvish letters. Elrond took it, scanning through.

“Are you trying to be funny? This reads 'Elrond is an ugly git'.”

“What?” Arien looked stricken. “But Galadriel said…”

“I expect an essay on my desk tomorrow with why you should learn the language yourself instead of bribing someone to write it for you. Five hundred words tomorrow, miss Arien. Anyone else has anything they'd like me to translate? No?”

The crowd remained silent, but a few crumbling paper sounds could be heard.

“Good. Today we shall talk about what makes elves different from humans. Anyone who answers pointy ears will get detention. Who'd like to begin?”

“Polka-dotted hair?” suggested Amber in what was probably meant to be a whisper to her friend Whitney.

“I'll give you polka-dot… There other thing about elves I should probably have mentioned is that we are beings of great power…”

It was a rather depressed Whitney and Amber who exited the class some time later, both spotting yellow and pink polka-dotes ('Never piss off Elrond' written in purple inside the dots) all over their skin and clothes.


This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Camilla Sandman

Status: Reviewed

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 03/15/04

Original Post: 06/18/02

Go to Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The overview

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