Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The: 60. Of Evil Plots and Evil Neighbours

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60. Of Evil Plots and Evil Neighbours

There was an air of busy preparations and hard studying settling over OFUM as exams and graduation drew near. The staff was overworked, the students trying to cram a semester worth of reading into one week and the mini-Balrogs were in… Well, 'heat' was probably as good a word as any. Lina had never seen evil courting before on such a scale, it was very… Enlightening.

Elrond was scarcely seen, busy as he was with his own projects. Meir Brin could often be seen carrying odd purchases from Minas Tirith, and sometimes Sorne and Rose would be seen catching frogs, of all things. What the Lord of Rivendell could possibly want with that, Lina was unsure. But she had caught him trying to convince Legolas and Galadriel black leather was their thing.

As for Gimli, they spoke little about the future but a lot about silly things that were not in any way emotional. Sooner or later her imminent graduation would have to be discussed, but a small part of her brain always whispered 'not today.'

But what really concerned Lina when she really should be reading about why 'thy hair is most amazing, like wow' would never be uttered in Middle-earth was the state of Miss Cam.

Miss Cam seemed… Less, these days. She looked like death at the breakfast table (and not in the normal 'death is what you'll wish for after I'm done with you' way either), barely eating. She had caught Belphegor spray-painting 'Books are better' in the toilets and hadn't even given any punishment.

Miss Cam *never* missed a chance to be evil. Nevertheless, she had let Danly off for stealing Glorfindel's hairbrush and Spoogle for attempting to hobbit-nab Pippin and mushroom-nab his mushrooms. It was almost as if she'd turned nice.

And if that was not a sign that something was very amiss, nothing was. So this morning, as Lina was making her way to the library, she wasn't that surprised when she was stopped by Jason and Al's Waiter (mostly called AW or 'Eh? A blue elf? Did an elf and a smurf mate or something and made you?'). Both guys had a thing for the course co-ordinator – perhaps evilness was a turn-on. It would explain all of Morgoth's lusters, in any case (he still had more than Sauron).

“Ah, Lina,” AW said, smiling. “We were looking for you. We have… A proposal.”

“We're worried about Miss Cam,” Jason continued. “We have heard certain students mention a cunning plan. A plan to weaken Miss Cam so that they can easily kidnap their lust objects. As the end of their stay here draws near, they have come to employ… Drastic methods.”

“Apparently Ardaiel and Sierra have a contact. On the inside. We thought you could find out who,” AW said quickly, before Lina could interrupt. “Seeing Miss Cam like this is… It's *wrong*. So, if you help us, we have something you'll want.”

“What?”

Jason coughed discreetly, then leaned in and whispered in Lina's ear.

“Oh,” was all she said. She thought for a moment, and then finally gave them a small nod. The two guys scuttled off and she entered the library. It was mostly empty, except for Celandine and Raven Wings doing a tug of war over the last Westron dictionary and a small group huddled in a corner – not reading.

Oh sure, they had books about, but their eyes were too glazed over to be reading. They were ogling pictures of their lust objects, Lina was sure. Some had smuggled them in and Wormtongue had started a very profitable business.

The group in the corner numbered Ardaiel and Sierra, as well as Nicole, Aniron, Lucy and Autumn. Lina narrowed her eyes as she passed, thinking. Scheming students was not anything new, but to target Miss Cam they had to be desperate. The black lash would be *terrible*.

It was hard to read with this newest mystery on her mind, harder yet when Danielle and Silya began discussing the possible identities of 'Figwit' and the Legolas Lusters began to loudly exclaim the hotness of Legolas. Normally, Miss Cam would be there in minutes and giving Death Stares. But nothing happened.

With Miss Thundera Tiger and Miss Dwimordene both wrapped up in preparation for the graduation ceremonies and the related celebrations (including the fashion show), the University really was teetering on the brink of chaos. This was not good. Poor Legolas could be swamped and the staff loved to death.

Determined, Lina made her way back to the staff section. It was quiet, most of the staff up and about, only Faramir and Éowyn were playing hide and seek. If caught, the penalty was a kiss and of course they both wanted to be caught… Lina sniggered as she passed.

Miss Cam was in her room. Lina knocked carefully on the steel surface (fireproof, mostly, as Miss Cam's room was opposite Sauron's). There was no reply, and very hesitantly Lina opened the door. She had never been inside, and felt somewhat like she was stumbling into the dragon's lair. Except dragons tended to kill quickly.

The room was dark. There were no windows and the fire burning in the fireplace was barely still alive. Lina wasn't sure quite what she had expected, but it was actually a pleasant room. Tall bookcases, a writing desk, a wardrobe (the creaked door revealing black leather and strangely an Ewok costume. Weird) and of course the hammock. Miss Cam loved hammocks and she was sleeping in one now.

She really did not look well.

“Miss Cam?” Lina asked tentatively.

Miss Cam bolted up, looking haggard and breathless. “Lord Elrond? Is it midnight already and time for the teaching?”

Her gaze fell on Lina. “Oh. You.”

“Emh… I... Umm... Are you all right?”

“I'm tired.” Miss Cam closed her eyes. “The blasted evil neighbour of mine keeps doing early work and pounding on his walls and at night time I'm in the dungeons and at lunch it's the Headmaster briefing and mini-Balrog reports and dinner and then Aragorn has some staff matter or another and some student tries to sneak in and then it's exam planning and Naturally Nine council and…”

She traced off, blinking. “I just want to sleep and that blasted evil neighbour and I can't remember where the floor plan is and who lives there. I'm so tired. So, so tired.”

And with that she leaned back and was soon fast asleep. Lina tiptoed out, closing the door softly behind her. So. Evil neighbour was it?

Was it Gollum's room? No, Gollum was too busy having a hissing contest with Lurbl (a student of Gollum-ness. She, but her roommate Tamsin complained it was impossible to sleep when Lurbl argued with herself if sleeping on the side or the back was best).

The door to 'evil neighbour' was locked and soundly so. But it was a stone door, and Lina knew stones. It was hard to be Gimli's girlfriend and not know. She still had her special chisel from their cave expedition, and had soon chipped a hole near the lock. A little reaching in, and voila, the door creaked open.

And the person she saw there, she certainly didn't expect. Evil neighbour was… Lotho?


This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Camilla Sandman

Status: Reviewed

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 03/15/04

Original Post: 06/18/02

Go to Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The overview

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