Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The: 59. Black Leather and Things That Go Plonk In the Night

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59. Black Leather and Things That Go Plonk In the Night

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This chapter will make more sense if you read ch. 16 of the PPC first. You can find them at their new home: http://www.misssandman.com/LOTR/lotr.html in my corner of the world - that's where you can find all the great OFUM fanart, too.
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Lina was not sure why she awoke at first. It was dark, she was warm and comfortable (albeit still sore), Gimli had an arm around her and the whole University seemed dead quiet. Seemed quiet…

There was a weak plonk-sound in the distance. That must have been what woke her. It was a strange plonk sound; for a while she merely pondered what it was. But like all things you have no idea what is but want to know, it slowly grew into an annoyance.

What the heck was it?

Finally, she could take it no longer and got up, cracking the door open to glance out.

There were some lights lit in the great hall near Long Table Elrond. The plonk sound seemed to come from there.

“Did you know the palantîr bounces?” Pippin called.

“Pippin! You will wake everyone,” Merry replied from somewhere in the shadows.

“They are too exhausted from laughing and saving the students,” Pippin replied, dropping the palantîr on Long Table Elrond again. It went 'plonk' and bounced.

“Come on Pippin, I want to see Sauron's expression when he realises he bathed in our special smell-experiment.”

“Are you sure that dung excites spiders?”

“Yes. Come on!”

The two hobbits slipped away into the darkness. Lina smiled and was about to close the door when she noticed a large shape moving across the hall. Eight legs, huge belly… It had to be Shelob.

The large spider made her way over to Sauron's room, flinging the door open. She could not fit into it, but she reached four of her legs in and moments later she held Sauron in a secure grip. The Dark Lord was sleeping.

Slowly, the large spider vanished out into the staff garden. This ought to be good… Slipping out of the room, Lina wandered quietly down the stairs. She was nearly by the end when she heard a door open.

Soft footsteps alerted her that someone was walking in her direction. She glanced through the darkness; two shapes were entering the great hall.

“Oh, stop wriggling,” Miss Cam said, sounding annoyed. As the two came closer, Lina saw that it was indeed Miss Cam – and Elrond. Both, for some mysterious reason, were dressed in black leather. Elrond looked torn between outrage and delight and that black leather really looked good on… Oy. Lina had to stop herself from drooling. Elrond in black leather. Hoo boy.

“I wonder how long it is physically possible to scream in terror,” he mused, yanking the chain of the sack he and Miss Cam were dragging after them. “Remind me to tell Jay and Acacia of my findings.”

“I'm sure Jay will be most happy to listen,” Miss Cam replied, and grinned. “Stop wriggling back there. We already had to gag you and put you in a sack when you insisted on screaming the whole way over.”

“Miss Cam, I meant to ask you… The black leather…Why?”

“Appearances, Lord Elrond. We must look inconspicuous, but still somewhat scary. You wanted to be a part of the crackdown on non-licensed fanfiction. Consider this your warm up.”

“Elves in black,” Elrond said, sounding like he was considering something. “It does have a ring to it.”

The two reached the door to the dungeons without noticing Lina, and disappeared into the darkness.

Lina debated whether she really wanted to know or not, and decided on not. Elrond was an Elf you did not annoy, no matter what. It was one of the many things OFUM had taught her.

It had also taught her never to try to sneak into the staff section. But not all had learned that lesson it would seem, as the door to the hall creaked open again .

“That was brilliant,” Isabelle whispered, tip-toing in along with what looked like Rhiya. “You distracted the mini-Balrogs by having them chase Deadpoet and Rhiannon, and we're in!”

“Security must be relaxing near the end of the semester,” Rhiya replied.

“Actually, it is not,” Glorfindel said, stepping out from behind a pillar. “Miss Dwimordene and Miss Thundera Tiger asked me to find two student volunteers. They are teaching Borrimor and Celebrimdor the art of drop-kicking. Rhiannon and Deadpoet were lucky. You two are my volunteers.”

The two students sighed.

“I have always wondered if when two students's heads are slammed together, they will go plonk…” Glorfindel said as he escorted the two out towards the garden. “I was promised the chance to find out…”

There was a loud shriek as the two students spotted Shelob patting Sauron – which woke the Dark Lord at last.

“LET GO OF ME!” Sauron bellowed. “I AM NOT A CHEW-TOY!”

Moments later he came stalking in, bits of spider-web clinging to him.

“Morgoth has gone too far this time. I shall make him go bald for the fashion show!” he hissed, not even noticing Lina. “I shall ruin his sharp, pointy nails. I shall paint his armour urple. This means WAR!”

'And what were they doing before? Mild skirmishes?' Lina thought, somewhat worried. Getting struck by lightning once was quite enough, really. And now that the exams were approaching, she could not really afford to be distracted. She wanted to do well.

The things love can make you do. She sighed and got up (noticing that Shelob was being comforted by Barlog the Balrog in the corner of her eye), just as Elrond came sweeping out and they nearly collided.

“Miss Lina… You did not see me,” Elrond said after a moment's hesitation. “Neither did I ask you where the Balrog-whip is.”

“Look under Long Table Elrond.”

“Oh yes, here it is.”

“What were you and Miss Cam doing?” Lina asked, momentarily forgetting she really did not want to know. Damn that curiosity! Got her every time.

“Would you believe some believe elves rape and write about it?” Elrond spat, looking grim. “We do not. But we do have a wonderful sense of poetic justice. Good night, Lina.”

She stared puzzled after him, noticing just how nice his backend looked in black leather.

“Lord Elrond?” she asked, and he turned. “Celebrían will love that outfit.”

The Elflord sent her a wide smile and she wondered if Miss Cam had any more black leather around. Gimli would look smashing…


This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Camilla Sandman

Status: Reviewed

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 03/15/04

Original Post: 06/18/02

Go to Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The overview

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