Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The: 54. Not So Quiet Evenings And Great Plans O’Hoy

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54. Not So Quiet Evenings And Great Plans O’Hoy

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Goldberry came up with Student Tackle Relay. So blame her ;)
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Ah, the quiet evenings of the staff section. Poker Middle-earth style played on Long Table Elrond, what could be better?

“I will see that - and raise you ten orcs,” Sauron declared, staring hard at Morgoth.

“Fine,” Morgoth replied, and laid down his cards.

“You cheated!”

“Of course I did! So did you! I only cheated better!”

Lina chuckled softly, leaning her head back in Gimli's lap, staring lazily into the fireplace. Legolas was sitting nearby, deep in discussion with Celeborn. The Elf Lord had many tips on how not to become a lust object. Sadly, one included having a wife that could read minds and spot possible rivals in the making – and then make them go insane.

Boromir had gone to bed, finally having solved his sleeping problem. Boramir had become an earmuff, the wings most excellent to block out noise and the mini was happy to do so given a plate of bacon.

Elrond entered, looking almost cheerful.

“Good evening, Lord Elrond,” Miss Cam said, without looking up from the sketch she was drawing on.

“It is, most certainly. Meir Brin finished the layout for 'Naturally Nine', we are ready to launch,” Elrond rubbed his hands together, smiling in a way that made Lina wince. The students were sure not to like Elrond's latest plan. “Does anyone know why Arwyn is looking like she got a new whip?”

“She has a lust object, first mini-Balrog to do so. I think that 70's Boy meant Arwen, but written is written.”

“But Glorfindell moved into Penn's room,” Lina lifted her head. “Ryven, her roommate, nearly had a heart attack.”

“Glorfindell is in a fragile metal state after he had to go in and get Frodo out of a hobbit stampede and his whip got stepped on by Hunni Faboo. You know how Balrogs are about their whips,” Miss Cam replied, eyeing her own. “Penn agreed to snuggle him back to fierceness. After all, if you can't have your lust object, why not the mini-Balrog version of him, or her for that matter?”

“Yet they never stop trying,” Thundera Tiger said, patting Legoals and Grimli. “Today we had the first ever Witch-Wall stampede.”

Lina jerked awake. ”You had a what?”

“Neverhere and Seaweed both tried to tackled the Witch-Wall. He was delighted, but sadly Seaweed is an Ent and an Ent tackling a wall gave Saruman flashbacks.”

“So that was the explosion and horrid screaming we heard,” Lina muttered.

“No, the horrid screaming was from the new dungeon room we have,” Dwimordene replied, looking up from her 'Success Rates of Threats' charts.

“For what?”

“Oh, this is something Miss Cam came up with. She has a theory that to write suffering self-inserted characters, you should pass the suffering test – listening to Britney Spears for an hour, then an hour of cricket, then an hour of grammar rules and finally, an hour locked with the Witch-Wall. Then you will know suffering, she claims.”

“Oh, they will,” Miss Cam replied, still drawing on her sketch. “I call it interactive learning. Besides, how will you write it well unless you know what it is like? I tried it on Shiana and Spider after I caught them trying to put sleeping pills in the bacon to give to the mini-Balrogs. It was most… interesting.”

“AHA!” Sauron spat, seeing Morgoth's cards. “I win this round!”

“I still have more lust objects,” Morgoth replied smugly. “May has seen the seduction of *true* evil.”

“You had your underwear stolen!” Sauron countered. “Are you at all… Drafty?”

Morgoth sent him a murderous look. “You try spotting a stickperson! Impossible to see!”

Lina chuckled. Bold, the stickperson student had declared herself Evil Ruler of all stick people. Since the stick person population was exactly one, no one objected.

Gimli begun stroking her hair slowly, and she drifted off a bit, feeling warm and comfortable.

“Legolas, someone is trying to woo you with Mariah Carey again,” Gimli said after a while, and Lina heard a faint 'singing'. She grimaced.

“That's Boromir's room,” Legolas replied. “Someone must have tried to bribe a mini-Balrog to get the location of my window again.”

“Oh dear,” Lina muttered drowsily.

There were some screms, some angry muttering and sounds of heavy objects hitting the ground. A few minutes later Boromir entered, looking ready to torture, maim and then kill.

“Miss Cam, can I have a student assembly now? We can call it a 'sport activity'. Midnight Student Tackle Relay for the mini-Balrogs. They need the training.”

“The students did wish for more sport activities,” Dwimordene replied, then added in a low voice. “And we could watch through the palantir.”

“Why not? We can call it a seminar on why you should not stick author's notes in parentheses throughout a story by littering the course with rocks. It is after all a bit like tripping up the reading flow,” Miss Cam replied. “The Headmaster won't object.”

“I request Lina to stay here so she can help me with my 'How Fast Does Humans Fall Asleep' study,” Gimli said quickly.

“Fine. Morgoth, Sauron, would you like to go wake the students rather than trying to outstare each other?”

The two Dark Lords eyed each other for a few more seconds, but the pull of evilness outweighed the pull of vanity this time.

“I will fish Soupaness and Neko-chan out of the pond the mini-Balrogs threw them in,” Thundera Tiger said, getting up. “They should have learned not to try and dress up as Morgoth to pass the Balrogs by now.”

“They probably looked more scary,” Sauron said smugly as he and Morgoth walked out.

“At least they recognised that the mini-Balrogs have more respect for me than you…”

The hall emptied, leaving only Miss Cam drawing on her mysterious sketch, Elrond flipping through a book and Lina and Gimli by the fireplace. There could be heard some faint cries, but in her drowsy state Lina hardly noticed. She just knew she could stay like that forever and be happy.

“What are you drawing on?” Gimli asked Miss Cam, still stroking Lina's hair. “Another dungeon?”

“No. It is for the next session of General Knowledge, I have decided to tackle the species you will meet in Middle-earth. But since so many live under the impression Middle-earth is littered with fairies, vampires, unicorns, and that half-elves are normal and plentiful, I have decided to do it interactively.”

Miss Cam smiled. “Most interesting it should be. Right, Lord Elrond Halfelven?”

“Most certainly.”

'Uh-oh,' Lina thought, just as she drifted into sleep. 'Elrond and Miss Cam together on a project. That cannot be good.'

The last thing she heard was Elrond's laughter, echoing in a most uncanny way.


This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Camilla Sandman

Status: Reviewed

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 03/15/04

Original Post: 06/18/02

Go to Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The overview

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