Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The: 47. Pool Parties And Ass-Kickings

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47. Pool Parties And Ass-Kickings

*****
To C., so she may cheer up
*****

There are pool parties, and there are OFUM pool parties. And there are ass-kickings, and there are OFUM ass-kickings.

“Anyone else care to try?” Boromir asked, looking like all his Valar-days had come at once (they didn't celebrate Christmas in Middle-earth, of course). Silver Rose was limping away, clutching her side as well.

“Who would have known fighting would be so hard?” a girl whispered, but not quite low enough.

“It takes years to become a warrior. It takes decades to become a good warrior! It is not a spur of the moment, 'now I shall become the greatest warrior ever' concept,” Boromir replied, annoyed.

“But can't you just take this sword and… Ow!” the girl exclaimed (Lina thought she was one of the Legolas Lusters), lifting one of the swords and then promptly dropping it on her foot. “That is heavy!”

From the staff area of the garden came a wave of laughter. The staff was having a pool party, celebrating something mysterious and getting great entertainment from Boromir's seminar, 'How to Kick-Ass and Die With Grace And Plot Relevance (Not Just To Ensure Your Lust Object Will Always Love You and Pine)'. So far he had done the ass-kicking spectacularly. Even Lina, who'd had axe lessons from Gimli, had quickly been outmanoeuvred. Her bum still hurt.

A few of the Legolas Lusters had attempted archery, and only managed to litter the pool with arrows (they were of course attempting to shot down an apple from the tree near Legolas, to impress him). One had hit Barlog the Balrog, but luckily the fiery demon was in need of a toothpick and didn't seem to mind.

Elrond, who was present to show off elven ass-kicking, sent Amy a nasty look. The girl had annoyed him to death with her theory of elves being aliens ('We are not ailens! We have no illnesses, so nothing ails us!' he had replied, and any attempt to explain what aliens actually were had rather failed.), and thus he had kicked ass even more than usual. Lina's right arm still hurt from that.

Elrond's two sons had appeared as back-up (and to spread the word of S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M, of course), and quite a few of the elven girls had lost the ability to speak sensibly when theyhad appeared. Turns out Legolas wasn't unusually gorgeous for an elf. Sadly, Elladan and Elrohir didn't let ogling stop them from kicking ass. Lina's back still hurt from that.

“No one?” Boromir asked again, smiling grimly. Robyn swooned.

Ashelgrin, one of the male hobbits (which resulted in him quite often being mistaken for Frodo, Sam, Pippin or Merry – 'It is so hard to tell the hobbits apart from above!' was a common excuse) was clutching his head. Not because Boromir had kicked his ass, but rather because the Valor mini-Balrogs had tried testing their powers and grow a tree on his head. Luckily his friend Ross, another of the male students, had put down 'Maia' as species and thus had enough powers to reverse the spell.

The Valor really made life – interesting. Luckily, even the Valor knew well enough to obey Miss Cam. But quite a few of the students were nearly sacrificed by the normal mini-Balrogs in a tribute to the Valor. Of course, the sacrifice wasn't that bad, it just involved dipping students in a vat of urple, and urple does bring out your best features (because compared to urple, anything is beautiful).

Lina sighed as Boromir went on to demonstrate the use of a shield. Her left arm still hurt from his last demonstration.

Bri and Aranel were engaged in an intense whispered conversation, strangely enough sending Lina a few glances. If they were having a 'how can she stand to be with a dwarf?' conversation, Lina was prepared to get an axe and kick their asses as well as she could. Perhaps even tattoo 'the Crusade for Greater Gimli Goodwill' on their foreheads (pretty much all the students had reacted that way to the news of Lina and Gimli, save Iocane, who had instead tried to pry all the details out of Lina, especially… ahem.. intimate details).

“Lina,” Bri said hesitantly. “We have a… Biological question.”

“Yessss….”

“You know how Uruk-hais had… You know, two?” Aranel asked, wincing.

“Yeah…”

“Well, they have part orc in them, right? What if they got that aspect from orcs?”

“What about it?” Lina replied, not quite seeing where they were going.

“Orcs came from elves, right?” Bri went on. “So what if the orcs got it from the elves, and the elves have two as well?”

“So we were wondering if you had ever – being in the staff section and all – gotten a glimpse of perhaps Legolas or Elrond in a less dressed state?”

“If you three are so engaged in conversation, you must already know all this,” Boromir said, interrupting before Lina could reply. “Perhaps then you will care to demonstrate the use of a two-handed sword in combat?”

The demonstration lasted exactly two seconds, as none of them even managed to lift the sword.

“It looks so easy in the movie,” Amy complained, having had no luck even managing to draw a bow. “My fingers hurt.”

“That is because you are supposed to fire an arrow and not yourself,” Boromir replied. “Now, I think we all have realised fighting is not easy, and requires trained skills. Agreed? Or shall I demonstrate more?”

A chorus of 'Agreed' quickly waved through the crowd.

“Good. Now onto the next part of this seminar, dying with plot relevance. Now anyone can just drop dead, be killed by Uruk-hais or managing to trip over their own sword.” He sent a few of the students pointed looks.

“Dying in such a way the plot can progress and with sense is a hard task. Now, why did I die?”

“Because the fates are cruel,” Robyn muttered.

“No – so I could be redeemed. I cursed Frodo, and by dying to save Merry and Pippin, I redeem myself.”

“Not that we are complaining or anything, but you didn't actually save us,” Merry called from the staff garden.

“But of course everyone is ungrateful, un-appreciative and you'll soon be forgotten, especially when this new 'movie' comes, and I am no longer there,” Boromir said bitterly.

“At least you're in it!” Glorfindel called. “We in S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M get no recognition! I fight a Balrog single-handedly, and get what? Ignorance!”

“I like you,” Barlog the Balrog said slowly. “He was stupid Balrog. Disgrace to race. You do us a favour.”

“Yes, I remember,” Glorfindel replied. “The first ever Balrog to cross-dress.”

“How exactly does a Balrog cross-dress?” Lina asked hesitantly, not sure she actually wanted to know.

“He refuse to carry whip. Insist it was too 'masculine'. He prefer stiletto,” Barlog the Balrog muttered, although his muttering was like a small thunderstorm.

“Choice of weapon is very important,” Boromir injected. “Perhaps then you should all restrict yourself to butter knives.”

He smiled. “How I have longed to say that. Class dismissed.”

There was a brief silence, a few longing looks towards the pool party and then…

“Will the students ever learn not to stampede?” Boromir said with a sigh.

“Barlog the Balrog handle this,” the Balrog said. “Students make good pool toys.”

And thus, the staff had a most entertaining pool party while the students – well, they got a good soaking.


This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Camilla Sandman

Status: Reviewed

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 03/15/04

Original Post: 06/18/02

Go to Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The overview

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