43. So Sayeth the Ten Tolkien Truths
Ten Tolkien Truths are brought to you by the Divine Miss Cam (with assistance of the striving-for-divinity Miss Cenire)
It was – oddly enough – the sound of cheerful humming that woke Lina that morning. And it was obnoxiously early, for the sky had just begun to turn grey-ish.
Was that the Fellowship jingle someone was humming? Groaning, Lina tried to reach for a pillow to cover her ears. Too late she realised Gimli had snagged the pillows.
Finally she just cursed and got up. As you quickly learn at OFUM, when the Universe is set on waking you up, there is little you can do but get up. Or it'll try harder, and you really don't want that.
Yawning, Lina trotted through the hallway and into the great hall (she didn't want to wake Gimli, he need his sleep, poor darling). Someone had lit the fireplace, and the smell of pipe weed lingered in the air. And by the table sat Elrond and Aragorn, deep in conversation.
“Immortal,” Elrond said.
“Mortal,” Aragorn replied.
“Mortal, my Lord.”
Aragorn looked up as the stair tweaked under Lina, and she made a mental note to never try to sneak up on a ranger and an Elf Lord. They could easily think she was eavesdropping and last time Elrond had thought someone was eavesdropping – ow.
“Ah, miss Holling. Good morning.”
“Hey,” she said hesitantly. “Were you discussing Arwen? Because I can leave if you want privacy.”
“Arwen?” Elrond sounded puzzled. “We were talking about hormones. What do you say: Mortal or Immortal?”
Elrond looked pleased, and pushed out a chair for her.
“You have read for my class today, I trust?” he asked pleasantly (though with a hint of 'Value Your Life and Answer Yes').
“Yeah, 'Why Three Being Sacred Does Not Mean a Threesome'. Was very… Em…” she searched in vain for a good word. “Enlightening.”
The humming came again, and Miss Cam turned the corner, looking fired up (she usually was when humming).
“Good morning, my Lords, Lina – I am proud to announce the Ten Tolkien Truths are done!”
Bromir and Bormier jumped up and down, excited. Some of the other mini-Balrogs begun to stir as well, with Saruon giving Sarumon a kick in the wings.
Elrond rubbed his hands. “At last. Are they ready to be spread and preached?”
Miss Cam nodded, handing both Elrond and Aragorn a parchment, the ink gleaming like gold.
“What is it?” Lina asked, angling her head to try and read upside-down.
“Thou Shalt Honour..” she began.
“No, no,” Elrond interrupted. “They must be proclaimed. There is only one that can do it properly. Mouth of Sauron!”
“What?” the Mouth of Sauron came out of his room, looking tired.
“Proclaim the Ten Tolkien Truths, would you? He is fabulous with voices,” Miss Cam explained. “Do it Valar style.”
“Fine,” the Mouth of Sauron replied, grabbing the parchment. Taking a deep breath, his voice suddenly loomed through the whole hall, through the whole University in fact.
“Thou Shalt Honour Tolkien's Name By Spelling His Name Right.
Thou Shalt Not Bow To Toey – the Path Of Enlightenment Leads To 'Spell Check'.
Thou Shalt Not Lie. Canon IS Canon.
Thou Shalt Not Steal Characters, But Borrow, and Return Them Whole and Recognisable.
Thou Shalt Not Create a Mini-Balrog.
Thou Shalt Beware the Mary Sues And Be Ever Vigilant.
Thou Shalt Read As Much As Ye Write, So Thy Knowledge Of What Is Good And Bad May Grow.
Thou May Desire, But Thou Shalt Not Stampede.
Honour Thy Beta For They Lead You On the Path Of Greatness.
Honour Thy Reviews, But Honour Constructive Criticism More.
So Sayeth the Ten Tolkien Truths!”
There was a long silence.
“Am I done?” the Mouth of Sauron said grumpily, handing the parchment back. “I need my sleep, how else shall I proclaim Sauron's evilness in the middle of the night whenever he pities himself?”
“Thank you, Mouth of Sauron,” Miss Cam replied. “It's sad, really. He could have such a great career performing.”
“Headmaster approved?” Elrond asked, just as Boromir came out of his room.
“Did you have to wake them now? Now they're at it again!” the human warrior complained.
“Yes, Elrond. And cheer up, Boromir. You have your seminar this weekend, take it out then.”
Boromir looked visibly cheered up at the mere mention. “Oh yes… All those that think they can beat me, a man of war, raised to be a warrior, in single combat! While still looking beautiful!”
“I'm confident you will prove them wrong,” Aragorn said, shaking his head. “It takes a life devoted to the craft to be a great warrior, not a sudden 'I shall pick up this sword and make orc-stew' urge.”
“Let us not forget the 'I shall do archery because it is more attractive' urge,” Legolas added, walking in.
“Legolas, you are visible again!”
“Yes. I noticed that last night when I walked through the garden and Isabell suddenly tackled me. Then Nissa tackled her. And Stephanie tackled her. And Arielle her again. And Neko piled on top of her. And Kiore on top of her. Then Cas jumped on, with Melee hanging at her leg. And Cerridwyn and Ryven did a twin dive…”
“Yes, thank you, I think we get the picture,” Miss Cam interrupted. “And I assume you slipped away in the confusion?”
“Faster than an arrow from the bow of Galadriel,” Legolas replied. “Morning Lina. I must say, it is rather nice to be visible again after all. Merry and Pippin kept trying to get me to do pranks and offering me elven wine.”
Miss Cam shook her head. “If they weren't so adorable, I would have to talk to them.”
“Where are Sauron and Morgoth? It has been quiet all night, not a single earthquake or bellowing insult,” Boromir remarked.
“Does it work?” Lina asked, helping herself to some mushrooms (as the hobbits were not up yet).
“Nope,” Miss Cam replied. “It is in actual 'You Shall Not Reform Into Goodness' therapy, but we can't tell them that. See, becoming evil, that is easy. Staying evil when evil always loses, that is hard.”
A small smile crept over Miss Cam's face. “Well – almost always.”
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.