39. An Orc Named Plz R+R And Other Horrors
The only ones up were Linteloteiel, Aylee and Jurtz (the only Uruk-hai student, who was constantly bitching about no Saruman lectures) working on their great 'Elf-Lurer' project. Lina was quite sure she didn't want to know what it involved. She was also quite sure it would fail spectacularly. All plans did. You'd almost think the Universe was conspiring against any 'lure in lust object' plans.
There were hardly any lights on in the staff section, but to her great surprise she walked into the hall to find every staff member there. They were all huddled over pieces of paper, some sharing, some sitting in the corners and reading by themselves. Even Barlog the Balrog was reading, laying on his wings while the mini-Balrogs used him for a bed. It was almost sweet, hadn't it been for the fact that they were evil, fiery demons.
Legolas looked up as she entered, his face a mask of confusion.
"Why do some many people think I find Aragorn attractive? He's not an elf, nor a female."
"Umm…" Lina said, desperately trying to think of a reply.
"And why do I keep referring to wells? I do not suffer from constant thirst."
"It's human slang," Lina replied, feeling a bit on steadier ground. "It's just something we say. What are you reading?"
"Stories from your world. Miss Cam calls it 'horror night'. It's to ensure we are not too nice to students."
Aragorn, who was sitting a few feet away, stared at the paper in his hand as if it was a deadly enemy.
"I would never do that to an Uruk-hai!" he blurted out. "Which part of 'We kill dozens of them, they kill one of ours' did your world miss?"
"Hey! Not our fault we get orcish stupidity gene!" Lurtz called out.
"Hey! Not our fault we got Elvish stupidity gene!" an orc replied.
"Hey!" Elrond replied. "We're smart. Sauron just mixed the stupidity potion with smart potion."
"Hey! They both start with 'S'," Sauron said angrily. "Do you know how dark it is in Barad-dûr? Basking in evilness doesn't yield that much light."
"Pitiful," Morgoth shook his head. "You're a disgrace to the title, Sauron. Why are there more stories with Sauron as Dark Lord than me anyway? It vexes me."
"Because Legolas and Frodo lived during Sauron's reign," Miss Cam said briskly. "You should be glad. Have you seen how Sauron appears in some of these stories?"
An evil smirk spread over Morgoth's face.
"What? A mortal is out-staring me in the palantír? A female of no royal blood? No one out-stares me!" Sauron hissed, his attention returned to the story he was reading.
"I out-stared you," Aragorn said smugly, getting an admiring look from Arwen.
"Hah! Stupid orcs had just peeled onions, or I would have stared you to death."
Sauron and Aragorn immediately began staring at each other, while Arwen brought out her embroidered 'Go Aragorn' banner. She looked a bit baffled though.
"Father, why does it say here that Galadriel is my mother? And why do I have a sister that whines about Legolas all the time and acts as if she was a mere century old? "
Elrond was too deeply focus on his own story to pay attention, muttering what had to be elvish curses under his breath.
Celeborn was patting Galadriel's hand, and she looked rather pale.
"The image.. me and Gandalf having a child.. it's too much…" she muttered. "I must think of fair Lothlórien and cleanse my mind."
Lina began scouting for Gimli, but he was hard to spot in the darkness. She saw the hobbits all huddled together, looking like they weren't sure if they should run away screaming in fear or laugh hysterically.
"Legolas, you engage in BDSM in this story," Frodo said snickering.
"BDSM? Does that stand for Buddies Delight Sharing Mares? Because Gimli and I do that all the time."
"No. It seems to involve chains - maybe it is a kind of torture…" Frodo replied, looking dazed. "Wait, they're…"
Sam, who had read a bit further than Frodo, quickly snatched the paper away.
"You shouldn't read that, Mister Frodo!"
"Sam, I faced Shelob and Mount Doom. What can be worse than that?"
Sam leaned forward and whispered into Frodo's ear and Frodo paled.
"What, what, what?" the Ring complained. "Share with me too! Is it evil? Throw me a bone! You need your mushrooms, I need my evilness!"
"Shut up," Boromir said, sounding grumpy (it was well known he was not too fond of the Ring and its constant teasing that he had the speed of a snail). "Why does this story insist I have a lost love? I think I would know if I had, unless Faramir has been trying to set me up again."
"It would do you good!" Faramir replied, tearing himself away from Éowyn for a moment (they seemed to be the only ones actually not reading).
"I am committed to a life of arms," Boromir replied.
"I know a talking sword…" the Ring offered, and giggled.
"Who is this Plz R+R?" Haldir asked, puzzled. "Is it an orc? I keep encountering this creature in nearly every story. Seems to be even more popular than Legolas."
"Oh! Perhaps I can pair Plz R+R up with someone on my list then!" Legolas said, excited.
"That's just the summary," Lina replied, staring at the crowd. Where was Gimli?
"A summary? 'Legolas finds love. Plz R+R' is a summary? But this story is more about me whining for six chapters about how mean my father is because he is forcing me to marry," Legolas sounded baffled now. "Elves do not arrange marriages. We are not in a rush to commit. We live forever, we have time to find the one we want to marry. It's not like we need to reproduce quickly."
Lina finally located Gimli, and wandered over quietly, trying not to step on Merry and Pippin ("But we're cousins!" Merry was saying, looking truly horrified.)
"Did you really want to spread chocolate all over Legolas and lick it off him?" Gimli asked without looking up.
'Kill me, kill me now,' Lina thought desperately. He was reading her story.
"Umm.. I was just.. em.. Yeah. Kinda." Gimli looked troubled for a moment, and Lina squirmed. As soon as she got back, she was going to hit deletefor sure.
"That was way back then," she added. Gimli's face lit up.
"Perhaps you would settle for honey and a dwarf?" he offered.
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.