Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The: 38. The Society for S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M

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38. The Society for S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M

Yawning, Lina slipped into lecture theatre three and found an empty spot. It didn't seem like any lecturers were in yet though, which was odd. Evil Minions were usually on time, were they not? Or maybe evil was all about being late, thus annoying people.

The students were chatting idly, mostly about plans for wooing. A few were discussing the ruckus of last night, which had nearly become a full-blown war. The hallway was still shining urple so brightly it was impossible to walk through without your eyes closed.

“Excuse me, excuse me,” Glorfindel came walking in, with Radagast the Brown in tow. The two looked slightly miffed.

“We are here on behalf of The Society for S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M – Still Important Characters Though Not In The Movie. Because of certain incidents and confusion in names we have heard about…”

“Yes, I am NOT called Rabagast,” Radagast broke in.

“It was Toey, I swear,” Sorne replied. “I know you're name is Rabagast, I mean Raba – No!”

“Aaah… A more wonderful introduction to Evil Minions is hard to find,” Toey said, being carried in by the Nazgûl.

Glorfindel and Radagast sent him a sour look.

“Next week I shall have you all calling Elrond for Elond, just you wait and see,” Toey said satisfied. “Good day students. I am filling in for the Witch-Wall, which sadly got knocked down yesterday. I'm sure he will recover from his new status as floor soon enough.”

“Witch-Wall most happy,” Nazgûl Two added. “He likes studentsssss wearing skirts. He tell me to say you no need wear underwear.”

Lina let out a sigh of relief, and made a mental note to wear pants.

“Come on, Glorfindel, Gandalf says he has come a way on his anti bad-spelling earring,” Radagast said, and the two wandered out (leaving behind a few folders with 'Recognise the Hard Work of S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M Today! We Need *Your* Support!').

“Wait till he find out we have created Rabagast, evil twin of wizard,” Nazgûl Three laughed.

Toey seemed to gleam, then coughed discreetly.

“This is Evil Minions 202. I am Toey, the toe-ring of bad spelling. You are probably all familiar with my work, if not I am happy to give a demonstration.”

The eight Nazgûls smirked. Funny, their amours were so shiny you would think they had been polished for hours on end just recently. Evil could really be vain.

“No, no, we know you,” Pennhothwen said hurriedly.

“Evil Minioning is all about basking in the terror your boss spreads,” Toey said. “Until such a time you can take over yourself, of course, and be twice as terrible as he. You all have the textbook – 'Evil Enough: Do You Have What It Takes' I assume?”

“But when we try to open it, it draws a pencil and tries to stab us!” Malien complained.

“That would be because it's an evil book…Just threaten to do evil things to it, and if it's impressed enough it will open.”

“But that's so Harry Potter!”

“Shut up,” Nazgûl Four said brightly. “We no read that. Evil book saying good can win. Destroy minion morale, it did.”

“Excuse me, why are you talking like that?” Mytsie asked. “Sauron and Morgoth speak perfectly, none of the 'We no read that'.”

“Ah, but see, Nazgûl are evil minions. They must appear more foolish and have worse grammar, or the boss would kill them. Evil Minioning is all about that fine line between screwing up so badly the boss kills you or being too smart so the boss kills you,” Toey replied. “I mean, the Nazgûl could just have crossed the river right away when they chased after Frodo, but that would have been too easy. Sauron would start thinking 'Wait – They're smart, they have rings...' and before you know it, no more Nazgûls.”

“Too right,” Nazgûl Two added. “Must say dramatic, evil things also, or people will forget we meant to be evil. And be sneaky – hint to Aragorn that Arwen ride out…”

“Glorfindel rode out!” Glorfindel called from the hallway. “That little…”

“Hint to Aragorn that Arwen ride out to get some of hobbit, and not him,” Nazgûl Two continued.

“Very evil,” Nazgûl Six said admiringly.

“She didn't ride out! I did!” Glorfindel stuck his head in again. “They make a movie, and everyone assumes that's what happened. Arwen was busy doing embroidery and looking pretty – I am a mighty Elf lord! I was the obvious choice to ride out!”

“But you no pretty,” Nazgûl Two giggled.

“Yes he IS!” Chiara and Pachebel said in unison.

Glorfindel blinked. “Yes, umm... I know! I will get Frodo to sign an affidavit declaring it was me! Surely that will convince the world.”

He stalked off, leaving the Nazgûls to cackle evilly.

“For next class I want you all to work on your evil cackle,” Toey said. “Getting the cackle right is vital to Evil Minions. The week after that we will work on the hissing.”

“This should be an easy class,” Dot whispered to Lina. “How hard is it to cackle?”

“The exam will be to out-cackle Shadow and out-evil-laugh Miss Cam.”

In the back of the room, Shadow cackled *very* evilly.

“Class dismissed,” Toey smirked, and was carried off. The students wandered off slowly, averting their eyes from the urple gleam.

A few wandered in the directions of the toilets, while Lina set course for the library (trying to get her essays done early, so she could wander off to the staff section and be sleepless again.)

She merely shrugged her head when she heard the all too familiar laugh of the Witch-Wall in the distance.

“Oh yeah, baby! Walk over me again!”

Bad grammar and spelling intentional when Toey attacks!

This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Camilla Sandman

Status: Reviewed

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 03/15/04

Original Post: 06/18/02

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