31. An Axing Spring Break
Ta, Jules and Son.
Shout-outs again! Worship the Python. It is most Monty.
Spring break at OFUM – you would expect things to be rather calm and quiet, wouldn't you? Or not.
Chop, chop, chop.
“Darling Lina, you're a natural with the axe,” Gimli muttered in her ear, admiring her chopping technique. A few metres away, Legolas was rolling his eyes (but subtly, of course. Or rather he liked to think it subtle).
“Chopping up trees. Very useful,” the Elf commented. “Not at all likely to rouse the rage of elves.”
“Oh, you're just a… What's that term, Lina? Party upper?”
“Party pooper,” Lina replied.
Whatever Legolas was planning to reply they had no idea, for there was a sudden yelp and a great hoom (that it the Entish form of a boom, quite distinctive in its more slow and deliberate-ness).
“What was that?”
Legolas peered with his keen eyes towards the student area(the garden had been split into a staff section as well after quite a few ambushed, and Sarumain and Gandulf were guarding the grounds, when they were not snapping at each other that was), then smirked in a most un-Elf way.
“Seems Taiya thought she could attract my attention with axe-chopping like you two were doing, only she chopped at an Ent.”
“You'd think the break would lead to less stalking,” Legolas muttered somewhat sourly after they had stopped sniggering.
“Why? Most are still here and didn't take a trip home,” Lina replied. “And believe me, I know the stamina of hormones.”
“You're right, you're right. I know it was hoping for too much that everyone would fail…” Legolas trailed off, looking dreamy.
“Nope, everyone studied very hard, because who would want to be chucked out of OFUM, and never again write a beautiful tale of how they snared the Elf? Or hobbit, or would-be-king, or whatever.” Lina shrugged. “But I suspect Sauron passed us all to be evil to you guys. After all, he's not the one being stalked.”
“You can't even trust evil to be outright evil and not sneaky these days,” Gimli complained. “Why did the mighty Elf Lord of Rivendell pass you all for?”
“So he can torture us in fresh ways in his Numerology 101, of course.”
“Just to get rid of us, I expect.”
“And the hobbits?”
“Oh, we all passed that in genuine,” Lina smiled. “It would be like kicking an adorable puppy if we didn't. Some are still suffering from the amount of reading they did and keeps on going on about how platonic love is the thing.”
“Isn't it?” Gimli and Legolas exchanged a worried glance (they were after all, teaching Male Bonding 202 this upcoming semester, which was founded on the very essence of understanding platonic love).
“No.” Lina shook her head. “Teenagers from earth, hormones – platonic love is not even considered.”
“Will that mean they'll think me and Gimli…?”
“Oh no. Not most of them anyway. But that's because so many lust after you, so they picture you just waiting for that right someone, Legolas.”
“Alas,” Legolas muttered. “I shall have to redouble my efforts to play cupid. That Rohan mail-rider said he was not married…”
He reached for his list, and jotted the name down on the possible 'match with' list. The Elf was nothing if not thorough, having even talked to the Nazgûls to see if any of them were looking for a girlfriend (of course, not the Witch-Toilet, who was most likely to be dumped (on) by any possible prospect)
“What are most of the students doing during the break?” Gimli asked, as she practised swinging the axe in a way that didn't just make people double over in laughter.
“Making plans for how to nail their lust object, of course. Except for the Sisterhood of Evil, who are planning to take over the Student Organisation.”
“And except you,” Gimli added.
“And except me,” she grinned, leaning in to…
“NO! NO! NO!”
All three glanced up at the OFUM staff section building, where black smoke was drifting out of the windows.
“Sounds like Sauron is having troubles with his EvilBootCamp for the Orcish Inquisition,” Legolas said calmly.
All three struggled very hard not to laugh.
“If he starts teaching them their main weapons, they're going to be deadly all right,” Lina giggled. “Deadly hilarious.”
“I heard he got them to stalk Frodo and try make the hobbit give up the Ring,” Gimli said, straightening her pose. “You're not trying to hit them with your elbow, but with the axe.”
“Frodo used the Ring to make them do silly walks all morning,” Legolas added. “It was a most amusing sight. Almost more fun than all the passing-outs at the First Age costume ball when Gandalf came as Ungoliant.”
“That was good,” Gimli chuckled. “Don't clutch the axe so hard, darling. It took an hour to get Morgoth to stop hiding in the toilets. Finally Beren and Lúthien chased him out, after they came in there to have some.. ahem.. privacy.”
“I hear Miss Cam and miss Tiger is hard at work making mini-Ungoliants,” the Elf said, sounding slightly uncomfortable with the notion.
“I'm sure they know what they're doing,” Lina groaned as she managed to drop the axe on her foot.
“Hold it closer to your body, then swing it out,” Gimli instructed. “Clutch it, clutch it, swing…”
“I heard Morgoth is searching for a girlfriend now too,” Legolas said just as Lina prepared to hit that darned tree as hard as she could.
“What?!” she exclaimed and let go of the axe. It flew from her hand and up, up, up…
“Most impressive,” Gimli said, looking quite satisfied. “Didn't I say she was a natural with the axe? Look at it fly…”
And fly it did, all the way to the end of the garden, where Morgoth was sunbathing.
“Oh, no, it's going to hit…” Lina muttered. Thankfully for her, Dark Lords have a one track mind when it comes to consider who will actually throw axes at them.
“There it goes again,” Gimli said, watching Morgoth fling it through the window and into the staff section. “But you throw better, my dear.”
There was a brief silence.
So much for a quiet spring break.
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.