Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The: 29. That's Amore...

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29. That's Amore...

Lina was beginning to wonder if she had not discovered the ultimate evil, and that it was in fact – GrammarBootCamp. Grammar rule upon grammar rule; there was no end to it.

“Are we all clear on through/threw now? Or shall I get out my Balrog-whip? We are clear? Okay then. Why quotation rules are not optional. Shadow, take it away,” Miss Cam smirked.

Sighing, Lina reached for another sheet of paper to take notes on. The Riders seminar had been pretty fun, after Éowyn had demonstrated her skills by kicking the collective asses of the Orcicsh Inquisition.

“Excuse me…” Thundera Tiger walked through the crowd, leaning in to whisper in Miss Cam's ear.

“Five? You're kidding me?” Miss Cam looked astonished.

“No, five new mini-Balrogs. Legols, Arogoin, Gandulf, Gimili and Sarumain.”

Miss Cam shook her head. “I think we will have to keep What's In a Name 101 for next semester also. Good grief. I'll go have a chat with the Headmaster, Shadow give them the completely voluntarily test – if you fail or refuse to take it, kiddies, I will use you to break in my new mini-Balrogs.”

“Okay… Use their/there/they're in three sentences, showing me you know the meaning and differences. Tell me why 'ur' is not a proper word, that's U-R…”

Shadowphyre droned on for what seemed like hours (it was in fact only minutes, but no one had a working watch to prove it) before the crowd could finally leave, staggering towards their rooms.

“That was – not fun,” Dot complained. “What a weekend. At least next weekend there's the great 'First Age costume party'. I'm going as a leaf from one of the Two Trees. What about you?”

“I'm not sure yet,” Lina replied, looking up to see Sauron come marching towards her, followed by Merry and Pippin, and trailing at the end, Morgoth.

“Miss Holling, would you KINDLY tell these two…these… miserable excuses for living beings that I am not involved with Morgoth!”

Merry and Pippin giggled wildly.

“I know you two painted 'Sauron and Morgoth = Lordy love' in urple on my door. I know it!” Sauron hissed. “I am not involved with Morgoth! The mere thought makes me violently sick!”

“Yeah, me too,” Morgoth added. “I have certain standards. I do not indulge myself with drool.”

Merry and Pippin looked like they would burst into laughter at any moment, despite the fact that being flanked by two Dark Lords is not really a situation you want to be in.

“Yeah, exactly,” Sauron replied. “So miss Holling, would you tell them it was not Morgoth you saw… Wait, I am no drool! You agreed to sort this out without any insults!”

“I must have lied. My bad.”


“I didn't see who it was,” Lina said hastily. “It was dark, early in the morning…”

Dot sent her a curious look.

“And Pippin and I have no idea who would do such a cruel thing as painting on your door, Mr. Sexbeast – I mean Mr. Evilness. No idea at all, no.”

“Good one, Merry.”

“Shut UP!” Sauron bellowed. “One of these days, I will get you two. I will. And then you will know the true wrath of a DARK LORD!”

“Is it as intense as the love of a Dark Lord?” Pippin asked innocently, then he and Merry bolted and had vanished before Sauron could even open his mouth in outrage.

“Oh those…” Sauron muttered ad Morgoth smirked. “You! You may have won the basketball game of hate, but you shall not beat me! I am the one true Dark Lord. I am Sauron, Lord of the Earth…”

“Goes with being the biggest worm there is,” Morgoth said dryly. “Miss Holling, if you ever tire of a certain dwarf, my door is open. Unlike Sauron here, *I* have standards and…”

“Shut UP! You're old and have the sex appeal of a goat…”

“Your wonder worm is the size of an actual worm…”

Lina and Dot hurriedly wandered off, knowing that when the Dark Lords was in that mood, it didn't take long before things started blowing up and falling down.

“So what did he mean 'if you ever tire of a certain dwarf'?” Dot asked. “If he means what I think he means…”

“What were those two fighting about now?” Lyle came sliding up, looking as dark and sinister as always.

“Sauron's sex appeal,” Lina replied, steeling her brain against that image by fiercely repeating grammar rules in her mind.

'The apostrophe is used to indicate possession, as in the case of Sauron's sex appeal – No, not that image…' her mind thought and then whimpered.

“What about his sex appeal?” Lyle smiled.

Lina regarded her. Surely not… Although, add a dark cloak and the size would be right. No – overactive imagination. Overactive, scarred-for-life imagination.

“See you tomorrow morning maybe?” Lyle added, and slid away, leaving Dot and Lina to stare at each other.

“Did she mean what I think she meant?”

“I think she did.”

“I think you're right.”

“I don't want to think about that.”

They both shuddered.

“The love bug sure has bitten many here,” Dot said, and sent Lina a look. “I am not blind, you know.”

“I know,” Lina looked down at the floor.

“So Gimli eh?”

“You know, Dot you may not know this, but…”

The two walked up the stairs, Lina whispering in Dot's ear as her friends eyes grew wider and wider.

“NO way!”


“Wow. Maybe I should get myself a dwarf…”


This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Camilla Sandman

Status: Reviewed

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 03/15/04

Original Post: 06/18/02

Go to Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The overview


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