Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The: 14. Monday Morning Mysteries

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14. Monday Morning Mysteries

It had been the most odd weekend. Sam and the University gardeners had their hands full (literally) with containing the outbreak of leaf-hair. A few of the hobbit girls even stole some of Gandalf's food and ate it so they would grow leaves and thus, get Sam to help them. Pachelbel and Chiara had tried to steal Gandalf's staff to make Glorfindel appear, but sadly Arwen had interrupted them, muttering something about 'scene-stealer' and how it had been time for her to do something other than embroidery.

Lina used the time to recover and write the essay for Elrond's class ('The Importance of Starlight') and learning important elves. Oddly, Gimli stopped by a few times, and they shared a few laughs over Merry and Pippin's revenge on the wall on her behalf. He also taught her where stones had their weak spot, in case she ever got attacked by an evil wall ever again (you never knew in Middle-earth).

Gandalf had been temporarily banned from the kitchen by orders of the Headmaster (Lina wondered who the heck that was) and was seen sulking in the hallways (“It's a sad day when a Maia can be banned from something,” he complained to anyone willing to listen, which was pretty much just the walls – and they had no choice).

Monday morning came quietly – well, not exactly quietly as Sauron and Morgoth were trying to decide who was better by testing who could make the biggest abyssal crack in the earth. Morgoth won when Sauron was distracted by Frodo and Sam walking by and fell into his own abyssal crack. His joy did not last long, for Morgoth fell into his own as well when the Frodo Fans and Sam Stampeders came running.

Sadly, Dark Lords does not find that very amusing.

It was a rather silent crowd that slipped into Elrond's class, only Arien, Celebrían and Eryn Mari looked somewhat happy (and even they were not thrilled by the aspect of a test).

True to his word, Elrond tested them on important elves.

“You'd think if they were important, they would have been mentioned in LotR,” Syndarys complained in a low voice. Of course, elves have super hearing, and Elrond gave her an angry speech on reading the book thoroughly and not just the parts with Legolas in.

When they finally got out of the class, everyone felt gloom. It even started to rain, ensuring there was no hope of spotting any lust objects out in the garden (it had proved a popular spot to see them).

“Monday mornings suck,” Dot complained and went to bed (the swelling had begun to go down, but she still scared even the orcs when they saw her face).

Lina found herself alone in the library and immersed herself in 'The First Age: Simply Forgotten, or Does No One Care?' (for Elrond's next class – Galadriel was holding a lecture).

She didn't notice the pair walking in, but after a while she came aware of two hushed voices.

“Come on, you can tell me!”

“Yeah, yeah..”

Curious, Lina closed her book and began listening in earnest. It sounded like Miss Cam and Thundera Tiger, but whatever where those two doing up here? And who were then guarding the staff section?

“You want to know who the Headmaster is?” Miss Cam was saying. “All right, but you can't breathe a word of this to *anyone*. It's just Gandalf and us that know, it's hard to say how the rest would react…”

Her voice fell to a low whisper.

“The Headmaster is none other than the great…”

There was a loud bang and Lina nearly fell off her chair.

“Oh no. That sounds like a Morgoth bang if I ever heard one,” Thundera Tiger was saying.

“We better check.”

Following the two, Lina pondered what she had just heard. A mysterious Headmaster, and a suspiciously well-timed bang. Of course, odd things happened all the times here, but…

They came to the great hall where Morgoth and Sauron were standing, both with a hand on Feather's shoulder.

“It is my right to punish her!” Sauron boomed.

“No, MINE! I caught her!”

“No, I did!”

“You did not! I clearly spotted her stealing Elven wine first!” Morgoth sounded quite angry. “Besides, I am THE Dark Lord!”

“As if. You lost that title when they locked you away.”

“You dare! I destroyed the Two Trees of Valinor, I *invented* evil, you drool of a fungus!”

“I improved it!” Sauron countered.

“I created the Balrogs!”

“I created the One Ring!”

“I created Microsoft!”

“I created Yahoo!”

They stared angrily at each other while Feather slipped quietly away and the whole hall waited.

“You slime, you pathetic rotting carcass,” Morgoth finally said in a low voice. “I have kept up with you for too long. You want evil - I'll show you evil. I, Morgoth the Ancient Enemy created…”

He took a long, dramatic pause.

“BRITNEY SPEARS!”

“Oh yeah? I, Sauron the Enemy of the Free People…”

“Oh, for crying out loud,” Miss Cam muttered. “My Lords, there is something you are not considering. The ultimate evil is by default the ultimate evil and will simply know so, and will have no need to prove it, no?”

The two Dark Lords looked confused for a moment.

“See who can first make the ground bleed?” Morgoth suggested.

“Lead the way.”

And thus it was proven neither two was the ultimate evil, which raised the question – what was?

Lina rubbed her temples. Two mysteries in one morning – that did not bode well for the rest of the week.


This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Camilla Sandman

Status: Reviewed

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 03/15/04

Original Post: 06/18/02

Go to Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The overview

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