Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth, The: 11. The Urple Bandits

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11. The Urple Bandits

There was a certain feeling of gloom and funeral in the air as everyone very quietly slipped into the lecture theatre for Sauron's class. Except for Lotus, who were still dazed and couldn't walk in a straight line, thus kept bumping into people. She had tried climbing the tree outside Aragorn's room to enter through the window, only to discover the tree was actually an Ent.

And just as luck has it, the Ent was LongPonder, who had long since become senile and thought she was an Entwife. Apparently, it had taken hours to make him stop snuggling her.

Only Lyle looked somewhat excited at the prospect of another class of Evil Is As Evil Does 101. She even wore a low-cut dress, smirking evilly.

Sauron was already waiting in the theatre, looking ready to kill. Of course, he was a Dark Lord, so he always looked ready to kill. But today he looked ready to kill instantly and quite more painfully and slowly than usual.

No wonder, the urple colour was quite water resistant (it was as if even water was scared of it), and word was it had taken hours to wash off. The two Dark Lords had done their part to get even though, lining up The Great Howling and Hissing Orc Choir near the student floors, and they had been howling and hissing all night. No one had managed to sleep much at all.

The pair had also put chilli in every breakfast meal, and broken the water heater. Cold baths were not the greatest thing to start a morning with.

And no one had even the faintest idea who'd done the 'Urple Deed'. The most likely suspects all insisted they had done nothing, and besides, it had to have involved getting past the mini-Balrogs, which no student had mastered yet.

Sauron growled.

“SIT! Now, let us talk about the DRIVEL you have handed in. Oh, you didn't think I had time to read it all, perhaps? Touch luck, for I have! And it stinks! Almost all of it is just worthless, impossible ramblings. There were just a few that were even likely, and I read just one plan that may work. It is simply a list of names. A kill list. THAT is evil in its simplest form. Good, miss Holling, you're on the right track.”

Lina nearly fainted in surprise and relief. He had liked it? She was saved!

“I would have flunked you all had not Gandalf looked at it decided it wasn't that bad, and several of you had good ideas, and I should take that into consideration, blah, blah, blah. But I still say you lot are not even worthy to scrape the dirt of the boots of my evil minions!”

“But I want to be an evil minion,” Gami blurted out, looking crushed.

“You raise your hand before speaking, yes? Shall I perhaps give you an extra arm since your two others seem to be incapable of performing this task? No? Okay, then. Today we shall discuss Evil Strongholds, how they are built, types of design, why towers are so often chosen and what materials to use for that proper fearsome 'I Am Evil, See My Fort' look. We will also touch on how to convert a structure built for good..” he spitted before continuing, “for evil uses.”

Pausing, Sauron regarded the class with a particular nasty frown. Lyle gave him a stunning smile, but he didn't seem to notice.

“We shall also discuss torture chambers, and how I am going to torture the bloated boil that dared do a prank on me. Oh, and Gandalf says I should let you know in advance when I intend to have tests. So, we will have a test – in five seconds.”

He paused again, this time for exactly five seconds.

“Let us begin. The question is: Where were my two main strongholds and what were they called?”

“Urpleville and Urpletown,” said a tiny voice.

“WHO SAID THAT?”

There was a great giggle. Then Merry and Pippin slipped out from under the lecturer's desk, looking gleeful.

“YOU!” Sauron spat. “It was you two! You coloured my room!”

“Did you colour his room, Pip?” Merry asked, looking ready to burst.

“What, a little hobbit like me? I heard it was The Urple Bandits. I'd love to stay and chat Your Evilness, but it's time for Second Breakfast, isn't it Merry?”

“Right you are,” Merry replied, and the two skipped out, leaving a fuming Dark Lord.

There was a long silence, for no one dared laugh while Sauron looked like a volcano, actual steam rising from his head.

“Do the test, you spineless weeds!” he barked, then exited the room in loud footsteps.

“That's my Pippin,” whispered Magda.

“Your?” countered Gina.

It didn't take long before the discussion was on. And further down the hallway there seemed to be another discussion going on – Sauron telling Morgoth about 'The Urple Bandits'. A few loud “How DARE they!” and “Dribbling worms!” could be heard. And then of course, the inevitable “You think you could have stopped them?!”

When there was a loud bang and smoke came drifting down the hallways a few minutes later, it was clear to everyone that the great Sauron/Morgoth Alliance was dead – may it rest in peace.


This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Camilla Sandman

Status: Reviewed

Completion: Complete

Era: Other

Genre: Humor

Rating: General

Last Updated: 03/15/04

Original Post: 06/18/02

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