1. Gimli: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***
You are now the proud owner of a GIMLI! In order to obtain top performance from your pint-sized warrior, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual. Please note that this document refers to the following versions of the GIMLI model:
(a) Mark I GIMLI (Tolkien, 1954)
(b) Mark II GIMLI (Jackson/Rhys-Davies, 2001)
Name: Gimli (aka Elfriend, Elvellon, Lock-bearer)
Type: Dwarf (male)
Manufacturer: Glóin-in-the-Dark Enterprises
Date of Manufacture: Year 2879 of the Third Age
Height: 4 feet 6 inches
Weight (in Armour): 240 lbs
Length: Out of all proportion to his height
In order to help your GIMLI to adjust gradually to life in your home, take the crate in which he was delivered down to the cellar or basement. Keep the lights off and remove the lid carefully. If your GIMLI is reluctant to emerge from his crate, entice him out with offers of beer and red meat on the bone.
Thanks to the dwarvish capacity to make light of burdens, your GIMLI comes with a host of useful accessories:
(b) Spare axe
(c) Spare spare axe
(d) Throwing axe
(e) Whetstone for (a), (b), (c) and (d)
(f) Heavy boots
(g) Elven cloak and brooch
(i) Tunic (chainmail)
(j) Shirt (chainmail)
(k) Trousers (chainmail)
(l) Socks (chainmail)
(m) Gloves (chainmail)
(n) Armour polish for (h), (i), (j), (k), (l) and (m)
(o) Pipe and tobacco
(p) 3 long blonde hairs, very carefully wrapped
The chance of persuading a dwarf to do anything that he doesn’t want to is as slim as an anorexic wood-elf, so best let your GIMLI get on with his own tasks. You never know, some of them might prove useful.
Dwarves are nothing if not practical. Your GIMLI will be delighted to repair any household items that are on the blink – the more complicated, the better. Your GIMLI is, of course, completely unfamiliar with electricity or the workings of the internal combustion engine. This will not discourage him in the slightest and he’ll learn the basics in next to no time. It won’t be long before he’ll be saying things like, “Hey Legolas! Yes, you, Beanpole! How about sitting in this bath full of water for me? That’s it. Now just hold this toaster nice and tight. Good, good…Ready to submerge it when I plug it in?…Oh, yes! Your hair does stand on end a bit, doesn’t it!”
At the first glimpse of crumbling mortar around the house, your GIMLI will be rushing off to the nearest quarry to order 172 tonnes of marble. Your humble garden wall will swiftly be replaced with an edifice that would put all Seven Wonders of the Ancient World to shame.
Give your GIMLI a spade and a pick-axe and he will keep himself amused in your back garden for hours. If you need the vegetable plot digging over, tell him you spotted some mithril in there last week.
If you are having trouble getting planning-permission for an extension to your house, consult your GIMLI. He’ll be able to build the extension downwards so that you can have a lovely new utility room/vast subterranean city without those pesky officials from the local council ever noticing!
*** CAUTION *** Do not let your GIMLI delve too deeply into the bowels of the earth for fear he will accidentally awaken any Flames of Udûn who were taking a nap. If this does happen, purchase a GANDALF model and tell him to wield that wooden staff for all he’s worth.
Your GIMLI comes from a long line of pyromaniacs – his father was once recruited for an expedition by a GANDALF model on the strength of that skill alone. If you are planning a barbecue, don’t bother purchasing lighter fuel or fire-lighters, just murmur within your GIMLI’s hearing that turning those charcoal pieces into fire is beyond the skill of a dwarf. Within scant seconds you will be faced with a conflagration the size of an Australian bush fire.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
You will find that your GIMLLI is compatible with most other dwarves, hobbits, wizards and humans. However caution should be exercised with respect to using your GIMLI in conjunction with any Elf model other than the LEGOLAS or GALADRIEL units.
The GIMLI and LEGOLAS models have three modes of interaction:
*** WARNING *** It is essential that both the GIMLI and LEGOLAS units be set to the same interaction mode, otherwise confusion can ensue. For example if the LEGOLAS model cries, “Get your chopper out!” your GIMLI needs to know which weapon to reach for.
To choose the correct setting for your GIMLI and LEGOLAS models, please refer to the descriptions below:
The ‘Hostile’ setting involves:
* Profanity in a variety of languages
* Blatant racism
* Accusations about parents’ marital status at the time of birth
* Arguments about who started other arguments
* Accidental axe cuts
* Inadvertent arrow wounds
Your GIMLI will address the LEGOLAS model as “Pretty Boy” or “Beanpole”.
The LEGOLAS will address your GIMLI as “Naugrim” or “Short Arse”.
The ‘Friendly’ setting involves:
* Relentless banter
* Sharing of horses
* Offers to fetch boxes to stand on
* Invitations to visit local tourist attractions, e.g. Glittering Caves, Fangorn Forest etc.
* Orc-slaying competitions
* Gallant offers of defence against aggressive Third Marshals of the Riddermark
Your GIMLI will address the LEGOLAS model as “Master Elf”.
The LEGOLAS model will address your GIMLI as “Elvellon”.
The interaction of the GIMLI and LEGOLAS models in the ‘Slash’ setting depends on the rating at which you set them:
Rating ‘PG13’ involves:
* Smiling warmly at one another
* Hand holding
* Knee fondling
* Kissing (no tongues!)
Your GIMLI will address the LEGOLAS model as “My dear Elf”.
The LEGOLAS model will address your GIMLI as “Mellon-nin”
Rating ‘R’ involves:
* Alabaster skin
* Brawny shoulders
* Cascades of golden hair
* Hairy chests
* Sculpted abdominal muscles
* Enthusiastic tonsil hockey
* Nibbling of the juncture of shoulder and neck
* Sighs and moans
* Lapses into Sindarin or Khuzdul
Your GIMLI will address the LEGOLAS model as “Oh, my beautiful Elf!”
The LEGOLAS model will address your dwarf as “Aaah Gimli!”
Rating ‘NC17’ involves:
* Phials of scented oil
* Long, lithe legs in a variety of positions
* Bruises and abrasions
* Wrists tied to bedposts
* References to ‘caves’, ‘mining’, ‘drills’ etc
* Beard fetishes
* Sweet spots
Your GIMLI will address the LEGOLAS model as “Oh Aulë! Yes, Yes, YES, YES, YES!”
The LEGOLAS model will not address your GIMLI coherently because he will have his mouth full.
Your GIMLI needs staggeringly large amounts of food and drink in order to maintain his energy level (especially if your have set him to ‘Slash – NC17’ mode). On the hour, every hour, feed him red meat and beer until he belches mightily. Then feed him some more.
*** CAUTION *** Do not take your GIMLI to a vegetarian restaurant – not unless you want to see him eat one of the kitchen staff.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Can I allow my GIMLI to play sport?
A: Yes, indeed. Your GIMLI is particularly well suited to playing ice-hockey (as goalkeeper), rugby (in the scrum) or American football (as an offensive linesman). If he wants to get involved in athletics, encourage him to participate in the 100m rather than the marathon, as dwarves tend to be left behind by longer-legged competitors, but are very dangerous over short distances.
Q: What does dwarvish foreplay consist of?
A: The words, “Brace yourself!”
Q: I recently purchased a GIMLI model in the hope of owning a noble, doughty, axe-wielding warrior but I seem to have been supplied with a somewhat overweight clown who does precious little except crack jokes, fall off horses and engage in cheerful banter with any passing wood-elves. What has gone wrong?
A: You have been issued with a Mk II GIMLI. The programming of the Mk II model is far inferior to the Mk I with regards depth of characterisation and range of functions. The Mk II is, however, the undisputed master of comic relief, surpassing the talents of even the MERIADOC and PEREGRIN models. Forget about his soldierly inadequacies and instead encourage him to develop a career as an after-dinner speaker.
Q: My GIMLI is pining for the love of his life. He talks wistfully of someone with gleaming blonde hair, bright blue eyes and a tall, willowy figure. I immediately bought him a Mk II LEGOLAS, but this doesn’t seem to have done the trick. What can I do?
A: Your GIMLI is yearning for a GALADRIEL model. Pop down to ‘Elves‘R’Us’ as soon as you can.
Q: I own GIMLI and LEGOLAS models and I recently purchased the ‘My Little Arod’ accessory for them to play with. Sadly my GIMLI refuses to get up on the horse with my LEGOLAS. What can I do?
A: There are 3 steps that you can take to alleviate this problem:
(a) Tell your GIMLI that you need him to get on the horse in order to rush to the scene of a desperate battle in which there are 42 orcs just waiting to have their legs cut off at the knee.
(b) Tell your GIMLI that you need him to get on the horse in order to pay a visit to a partially unwrapped GALADRIEL model.
(c) Set both your GIMLI and LEGOLAS models to ‘Slash’ mode, strip the LEGOLAS model to the waist and put him on AROD. The dwarf will be up on that horse quicker than a ferret up a trouser-leg.
Problem: After watching television in the company of your children, your GIMLI has become extremely agitated. He keeps shouting, “Not a single decent axe between them!” and “One of them hadn’t even got a beard!”
Solution: Do not allow your GIMLI to watch ‘Snow White’ ever again!
Problem: Against your better judgement, you allowed your GIMLI to carry out the annual service on your family car. That was six weeks ago. You haven’t seen him since.
Solution: Go into the garage. Your GIMLI will be sitting happily amidst a pile of car components, many of which seem to belong to a Ferrari. He will have the sleeves of his mailshirt rolled up to reveal oil-streaked forearms. Clout him on the head with a torque-wrench in order to attract his attention. In a firm voice, remind your GIMLI that you need the family vehicle back in working order by the end of the week, if you would be so kind. Wait for a few days and then go for a drive. Do not be surprised if your humble Ford Fiesta now seems to be able to do 0 to 60 mph in less that 5 seconds.
Your GIMLI model, being one of the Children of Aulë, can stand a great deal of rough treatment and hardship. His life expectancy will easily outstrip that of his first human owner. However, you must warn your children/grandchildren/great-grandchildren that the time will come when that faithful dwarf will be looking a little grey in the beard. After a lifetime of dutiful service to your family, it is only fair that your GIMLI be given a fitting retirement. Therefore you must allow him to go off on that little sailing expedition that your LEGOLAS has been wittering on about for the last 120 years. Help him clamber aboard the grey ship and wave goodbye as you listen to his gruff voice fading into the distance…
“Galadriel, baby! Here I come!”
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.