1. For him I cry
I stood on the bridge, waiting in the dark. I thought he would be here by now.
I could hear nothing but the light rustle of the cool, bitter wind through the bows of the trees and the soft patter of the rain falling down on the ground. The air was cold with white hazy mist that had swirls of her darkness polluting it. Light droplets of dew rested upon all of the leaves of the silver grey leaved trees and scrubs.
I looked around me for any sign of him. There was nothing but complete darkness around me, for Telperion and Laurelin were now gone. I had not even brought a lamp with me. I did not think that I would be waiting this long.
For indeed I had been waiting long for him. Almost twenty minutes in the dark, trying to listen to any light footsteps on the ground, listening but there is no sound. I pulled my white cloak more firmly around me. It was not that cold but I felt slight shivers through my body. I did not know what I was expecting when he came. What was I to do? What would happen to him? What would happen to me? What would happen to us?
My heart was beating faster than its normal pace and I could not help but feel anxious. I could feel it in my heart that tonight was different and that the tidings he would bring were not what I would want, but what news he was to bring I did not know.
Things have changed. The Two Trees of the Valar, made by the Valier Yavanna and Nienna no longer stand glorious, bright and exhilarant upon Ezellohar, but broken, bent, withered, dead and lifeless, utterly destroyed by the plaguing of Ungoliant and Melkor. The blood of the great Noldor King Finwë has been spilt, before the doors of Formenos and all jewels of the Noldor hoarded within Formenos’s walls, including the great Silmarils, crafted by the hands of Fëanáro have been stolen. Darkness has fallen upon Valinor and all of the hearts of the Amanyar.
We have changed. It seems like within the time of few hours we have both suddenly grown up. We were no longer children and cannot turn our backs on what has happened.
An impatient sigh escaped my mouth. Where was he? Could it be that he did not come purposely because he felt like he could not confront me? Has he been waylaid by his household? No, his family are warm and loving. They would not stop him from seeing me. But he would stop himself if he knew what our fate had come to.
A feeling of dread overcame me. What if what I feared was to come?
I heard a rustling of the plants behind me and turned around hopefully, thinking that he had finally come, but it was not him. Through the darkness I tried to distinguish a figure from the other dark shadows but I could not. I called his name but found no reply.
With a sigh I turned back around to resume my lonely waiting. I tried to imagine what was keeping him. Could there possibly be more trouble, perhaps even worse than Ungoliant destroying the Two Trees of Valinor? But what more could possibly go wrong? I bit my tongue. Many more could go wrong.
For ten more minutes I waited but still he did not come. I did not like standing outside in the dark on my own. Not even the Blessed Realm of Aman seemed safe anymore for anyone. Morgoth and Ungoliant could walk in again and ransack another city.
An indecipherable feeling was beginning to overwhelm me. I could feel tension through the air, although there was no one here. Something was happening.
Again I looked around me, my patience beginning to wear off. Where was he? He had told me to wait here for him. There was something of great importance that he needed to speak to me about. I partially knew what it was about but only through guessing.
After another few minutes of waiting I had finally given up. He was not coming. I knew it. Never had he kept me waiting this long. Perhaps the situation was worse than I had thought it to be. Nevertheless a sense of betrayal was beginning to arise in me.
I pulled the hood of my cloak up over my head and walked off the bridge and off the track down the slope towards the shores of the small brook, where my small white canoe-like boat was waiting.
So many times before I had come to this very bridge in the small boat to meet him. We used to meet here often. I felt my insides become heavy at thought of him.
I knew that Melkor and Ungoliant’s coming to Valinor and their deeds would arise trouble within the house of the Noldor. Upon the hill of Oiolossë I had seen the anger of Fёanáro. I cannot imagine what he and the others are doing at Túna.
A sense of foreboding was creeping upon me, for I feared of what had become of my love. I was supposed to meet him at this night at the bridge and I knew that he would not be waylaid by none but himself. Had he not come purposely? Was what he had to tell me so bad that he could not confront me? If so then I had some idea what it was he had to say to me. I was no fool, like he obviously thought me to be.
I stepped on the rocks carefully and into my boat, holding into the sides so that it would not overturn as it rocked gently in the water. I searched blindly inside the boat for the oars. I found one and lifted it out of the boat, placing the appropriate end into the water.
I turned my head towards the bridge behind me, knowing already to whom the voice had belonged to. He was standing on the bridge with a dim lamp in his hand, seeming breathless from evidently running, still wearing the silver raiment from the feasting.
I carelessly dropped the oar into the water as he jumped over the railing of the bridge into my boat. I threw my arms around him as he dropped the lamp in the boat and put his arms around me tightly, holding me close to him.
“I thought you were not going to come.” I whispered as I hugged him, closing my eyes and I felt his strong arms tighten around me.
“Forgive me. I came as soon as I could.” He whispered to me letting me go and kissing my lips.
I broke away from him, brushing his hair away from his face.
“What is happening? I could hear the Noldor’s shouts from Tirion as I travelled down the creek.” I said.
“Fёanáro wants revenge for the theft of the creations of his hands and the slaying of his father. He stood upon the summit of Túna and spoke fierce words of anger and pride to the Noldor. He is now leading a rebellion of Noldor against the Valar. He has taken kingship over them and plans to lead them east over the great sea.” He said earnestly a troubled look in his eyes.
I looked at him in disbelief. A rebellion against the Valar? Was such a thing possible?
“But that is impossible. Surely the Valar shall not permit their departure.” I said fretfully.
“Nay. Messengers from Manwё had come to us before. He says that the Valar shall lend us no aid nor shall they hinder us. His words do not intimidate Fёanáro. He is marshalling the Noldor at this very moment and readying them to depart swiftly in fear that his words should wane, should the words of Nolofinwё and Arafinwë cool the Noldor’s hearts.” I looked into his eyes. I could see he was distressed and bothered with these events.
Suddenly everything seemed to be clear to me. I knew why he wanted to speak to me. It was far from what I had thought was happening.
“No.” I whispered looking at his shadowed face as the unfair truth of what was happening to us dawned on me. “You will leave Tirion with your people. I shall never see you again.” I whispered.
I saw a saddened look come across his face. He took my hand and kissed it.
“I do not want to go. I with my father sought to tame the hearts of the Noldor, but Fёanáro’s words have too strong an effect on them. They will depart and with them I must go.” He said softly.
I looked down at our hands, unable to speak or look at him as I felt the tears beginning to form in my eyes.
“So this is why you had wished to meet me? To tell me that you are leaving me and Aman.” I whispered, trying unsuccessfully to stifle the sob that was arising in my throat as tears spilled over my cheeks.
“Nay my love. I have come to give you hope.” He whispered kissing my tears away and running his fingers through my hair. “Do you not see? This is our chance.” He said folding my hair behind my ear.
“What chance have we any longer when you leave me?” I whispered looking into his bright grey eyes with a frown as more tears escaped from my eyes.
“I have asked my brother to ready my sword and other belongings as I come here to you. The Noldor are due to leave Calacirya in few hours but there is still time for us. Come away with me to the east. We can start our lives anew away from this grievance and misfortune in Valinor. Why my love should we shed tears of sorrow, living in darkness when we can restart and live in light, glory and bliss?” he said looking at me hopefully.
“Come away with thee and leave my people?” I asked him frowning.
“Turucáno’s love Elenwё is of the same house as you and she comes too with us.” He said.
“I cannot. . .” I whispered looking at me with tear filled eyes. He sat quietly for a moment, never taking his eyes of me.
“You do not wish to spend your life with me?” He said quietly the hopefulness in his eyes diminishing.
“Nay my lord. I would gladly have an eternity with you and more, but-”
“Then there is no need for neither tears nor words my love.” He said kissing my lips happily before grabbing the other oar and using to push the boat off into the current, leading us away from the bridge.
“Where do you take me to?” I asked him as he continued to guide the boat with the oar.
“There is still time before they leave. Should we hurry we can go to your father’s house and collect your belongings. I shall ask him for your hand and then you and I shall live together.” He said as we travelled down stream quickly.
“When we get there I promise I shall have you built a grand house.” He added when he saw the worried look on my face.
I could not speak. Everything was happening all so quickly for me.
He stopped the boat at the shore and pulled me out of the boat, leaving the lamp.
“Come my love. We must hurry.” He said and took my hand and ran.
I ran after him, through the darkness, my mind racing with so many questions coming through my mind.
He opened the door to my house, calling my father’s name but there was no reply.
“Where is everyone?” He asked me looking around at the dark deserted house.
“They are still at Ilmarin.” I said looking through my windows up at Oiolossё.
“We have no time to wait for them.” He said under his breath before rushing to my room. He handed me a bag, which I held and he began to empty my drawers putting every one of my possessions in sight into the bag.
“I am still not sure as to where it is we are exactly headed for but I promise when we get there I shall make everything perfect for us.” He said assuringly looking at me.
He gently took the bag from my hand and rested it on my bed.
“Do not feel afraid my love. We will be together and nothing shall go wrong between us. Valinor is no longer as safe as we thought. Melkor can come here any time and kill us all, as he wishes. We can start our lives anew together.” He whispered as he held me.
I blinked away my tears and looked into his eyes. I knew that he loved me and I knew that he would only ever do anything for my well being but I was not sure about this. I loved him so much and I would do anything for him but I also loved my family and Valinor.
“I know that what I ask of you is extensive but just think about how our lives shall be when we do reach the eastern shore.” He continued, kissing my lips gently.
The distant sound of horns from Túna reached our ears as we broke away. He took the bag and threw it over his shoulder one hand and taking my hand with his spare.
“Come my beloved. We must make haste.” He said breathlessly before pulling behind me as we began running again.
I looked back over my shoulder, for what I knew would be the last time I saw the great white mansions of my father’s house and other Vanyar lords around it, suffocating in dark smog like mist. I tried to capture the image in my mind to stay forever replacing Ungoliant’s darkness with the light of the Two Trees.
I would never see my home again after this. I would never be able to walk down the long, brightly lit corridor or through the warm, vast celebrating halls. I turned away from the sight as I felt more tears well up in my eyes.
I had never thought that leaving my home would bear so much pain.
A silver chain that bore the emblem of Ingwё escaped from my bag, flying past me and landing on the ground.
“No wait!” I gasped turning back to get it.
“We cannot linger.” He said urgently pulling me back away from the chain.
“But I cannot leave it ther-”
“I will have an exact replica of it made for you.” He said quickly.
“No you do not understand. It has Ingwё’s-”
“We do not have time to spare!” he said loudly and urgently pulling me away from it.
More tears escaped from my eyes as I continued to run along behind him, with all of the speed I could muster from my form.
This did not feel right. How could I leave behind my home, my family and everything else that I have known since my birth?
We reached the river again. He tossed my things into the boat, knocking over the now unlit lamp. He jumped in and looked back at me, holding his hand out to me.
“Quickly.” He whispered. I took his hand and he pulled me into the boat.
“I hope my brother has collected all of my things as I had asked him.” He said his voice brisk as he took up the oar and began to lead the boat back upstream, against the torrents from where we had come. Within minutes we were again at the bridge.
I got out of the boat with him again and we struggled up the slope back onto the path and again started running down the path, through the trees towards his home.
As we neared Tirion the feeling of dread overwhelmed me. I could feel fluttering in my stomach and my hand was shaking in his.
He knew that I was feeling unsure and as we ran he kept on reassuring me that we were doing the right thing, but it did not feel like it.
Finally we reached Tirion. Everything was in complete chaos. There were Noldor elves rushing about everywhere, gathering their belongings. In the distance I could see Fёanáro shouting orders to his son’s and Nolofinwë and Arafinwë doing the same as they tried to ready their hosts.
“Where have you been!”
We both turned around to find his brother running towards us, looking frustrated.
“We have been looking everywhere for you! You said you would not take long.” He continued pushing a whole lot of gear into his arms over my own belongings.
“I am sorry.” He apologised to his brother as he dropped everything onto the ground and looking through his belongings.
His brother looked at me with a surprised look.
“Do you come with us lady?” he asked me.
I nodded, not being able to speak still.
Our love was not known to all, in fact we tried to make it seem as vague as possible. Only few, such as his brother and watchful sister, have seen us together. None of my kindred knew about our relationship. What would they think when they arrived back home to find their daughter missing with most of her possessions, without so much as a letter?
“Where is my knife?” he asked looking up at his brother.
“What knife?” his brother asked him.
“My knife. I left it on my shelf.”
“I saw no knife.”
He looked at me as he stood up straight.
“Wait here. I shall run up to my house and fetch my sword. I will not be long. Just stay here.” He said kissing me quickly before running off.
I looked at his brother. He was talking to their younger sister, they were arguing over something but I did not listen.
My eyes wandered from them to the rest of the hosts of the Noldor. Everything was all disarrayed and out of order. The sound of a thousand voices shouting commands and confusion over each other was barely heard above the crashing and clanging of people gathering together few of their belongings upon Túna. Young children were crying in their mothers arms. Women were screaming frustratedly at their husbands as they cried like their children. Tearful good-byes were being said to those who would not leave Tirion with the rest of the Noldor. There were people running around everywhere shouting for others to move out of their way. Lanterns and torches were being lit, trying to offer some light amongst the darkness. Restless horses, carrying their owner’s belongings neighed loudly, stamping the floor with their hooves. Banners of the different households were held high into the air. The sudden blasts of horns and trumpets echoed above all of the confusion and mayhem occasionally but did not quiet the elves.
I looked up at Mindon Eldaliéva, the tower of Ingwё, the tallest of all towers in Tirion. The light from silver lamp that hung from it was barely visible as it was shadowed by swirls of fogging darkness.
I felt so out of place amongst the crowds of shadowy haired, grey eyed elves. Then it occurred to me. I did not belong here. This was not my place. I was not a Noldo, but a Vanya. I could not leave Valinor with my love. This was my home. This was my life. I belonged here. All my life was here, not out in the unknown of the Hither Lands. As much as I loved him I could not leave behind my home and my family. My surroundings were too familiar to leave.
Leaving Aman would be to leave my soul. I could not leave the golden streets and gates or the silver domes and golden spires of Valmar, nor could I leave the white walls and terraces and crystal stairs of Tirion. I could not leave the Valar and Maia who have done much for us Eldar. I could not leave the shimmering silver light of Galathilion in Tirion or the celestial music of the gold and silver bells of Valmar. I could not leave Aman with him.
Again the blasts of horns and trumpets boomed over the sea of darkness, fear, confusion and disorientation.
As if I had just been woken up from a dream I was now aware of everything that would happen to us. I took my eyes away from Mindon to my love who had returned with the knife he had gone to get. He had put our things on one of his father’s white horses.
“You seem pale my love. Do you feel cold?” he asked me as he offered his cloak.
I looked back at him expressionless. My throat suddenly felt dry. I could not feel the courage to speak to him. He was so certain that we would be together.
He turned around as his father called his name, telling him that we were to leave now.
“Come my love. We leave now.” He said taking my hand.
I did not move from where I stood and made no attempt to follow him as he started off.
“What is the matter?” he asked as he looked back at me.
“I cannot.” I said softly, looking into his eyes.
“What do you mean you cannot?” he asked a puzzled look coming across his face.
I took a deep breath and looked down at our hands and gently let go if his, tears beginning to fill my eyes again. “I am sorry. . . I cannot go with you.” I said, my voice trembling.
An expressionless look came across his face as he stared at me as if trying to sum up what I had just said in his head.
“I understand not what you say to me, my love.” he asked me slowly, his voice unsteady.
“I . . . mean that I cannot . . . that I will not leave Valinor with you. I will not join your rebellion against the Valar. Much have they done for us that I cannot forget. . . I choose to stay here.” I said softly.
His eyebrows furrowed slightly as he furthermore looked at me, the confusion that was present in his face now gone.
“Why do you have doubts about our leavings? You know I would never lead you into harm.” He said quietly.
“I know. . . I know you would never do that, but I cannot leave Valinor. As you are bound to your people as am I. This is my home. I belong here in Valinor, with the Valar and Maia, with the rest of the Vanyar.” I said, as I tried to stop myself from crying, but I could already feel tears forming in my eyes.
“But I thought you loved me.” He said looking at me, a sudden seriousness in his eyes.
“I do love you-”
“Then why can you not come with me.” He interrupted.
“I do not know I just-”
“Our king has been lost! Do you not want to avenge him?” he asked me confused.
“He is your king, not mine. Only shall you and your people be avenged. Not I.”
He was silent staring at me with uncertainty and frustration.
“You tell me that you love me, yet at our first test in love you walk away from me. How can you ask me to understand you?” He said softly frowning.
I closed my eyes as the great horns of the Noldor ran out above all of the chaos. How could I explain to him what I felt in my heart? I felt like my insides were being torn apart, half of me wanting to be with him, the other wanting me to stay behind with my family.
My eyes fluttered open, tears trickling down my cheeks, as I turned towards the voice that was calling his name.
It was his father standing next to his brother, calling him to hurry. I looked behind them and could see the great fleets of Noldor moving. They were leaving, with Fëanáro’s host in the lead.
He took my hands, looking at me with a sudden desperateness in his clear eyes.
“Please, just overlook for this moment any questions that you have in your head.” He whispered, his voice trembling.
“I am sorry.” I whispered, caressing his cheek with my shaking hand.
He put his hand in his pocket and brought a ring. With shaking hands he slipped the ring onto my finger. I looked at him wide-eyed as I realised that it was a wedding band he was slipping on my finger. He looked at me, the wind fluttering his golden hair in front of his tear glistened eyes.
“My people are leaving and I refuse to leave without you.” He said through clenched teeth as he held my hand. “It comes down to this. ‘Tis either that you love me or not. If you love me then you will follow me. We will be wed and you shall be my wife. We will live together happily in the East, without the woes of this darkening of Valinor. We will be like all the couples we have heard in the lays we were told as children by our mothers, without any fear, doubt nor grievance. But if you do not love me then you will stay behind with your people, I will leave with mine and both you and I will suffer the torment and pain of not knowing whether either of us has found another love and not knowing what could have been for us, had you chosen to be my wife.”
My vision was suddenly deprived as a visor of tears overwhelmed my eyes. My lips quivered with the threatening need to utterly breakdown and cry all the fluid my body could muster. My whole body quivered with pain, joy, excitement, pity, desire, sanity and madness all at the one time. For few split seconds as the ring, fitting perfectly on my finger, came into my recurring vision I lost all thought of staying behind in Valinor. I could be his wife. I could have him as my own forever. We could be together.
The blasts of the horns bought me back to the reality of what was happening and what was really happening. They would leave Valinor, entering the darkness of the world outside the realm of Aman. They would fall one by one in the darkness, regretting that they had ever left the shores of Eldamar.
I looked up at his beautiful, flawless, graceful, gentle face, and blinked away more tears that just would not cease, despite my willing. His eyes were glazed with tears and the fear of my answer to his question was apparent behind those light, fair, clear, grievous eyes.
I let go of his hand and wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his lips for what I knew would be most probably the last time I would ever taste his lips on mine, the last time I would ever feel the touch of his hands and arms around me, pulling me impossibly closer to him. The last time I would ever be able to have him within my grasps. More tears slipped through my closed eyelids, furthermore dampening my already tear stained skin. I could physically feel my heart throbbing in pain, almost bleeding for the love of him and my family and home.
For the first time I wished that I could have the same fate as the Lady Míriel and her husband Finwë. To die. Surely to die would be better than to endure the pain of losing the one whom you loved so much. I broke away from him breathing heavily, trying to hold myself together as he stared at me questioningly with those eyes that I could never resist nor endure.
“Nay my beloved. It comes down to this.” I sobbed, my voice barely above a whisper as I held his hand tightly. “‘Tis that I love you, more than can be said. I love you more than I have ever loved any other man, indeed I admit I love you more than I love my own father and I know that I shall continue to love you, no matter what happens between us and I know that you love me as much in return. Long have I wanted to be your wife, and I will have you know that I would be your wife. I would gladly spend the rest of my days with you, but I cannot when you have given yourself a death sentence, through your actions in wandering east when you know not the peril that dwells there.” I carefully slipped the ring of my finger and put it in his hand, closing his fingers around it.
“I am sorry. . . I cannot be your wife.” I whispered heavily, now letting the tears flow openly.
He stared at me, pain, astonishment, anger and disappointment written all over his face.
“Please do not think bitterly against me.” I whispered, fearful that he would forever hate me.
“But. . . I love. . . I love you.” He stuttered, looking from the ring to me.
“You do not have to tell me. I know you love me.” I said softly, feeling the heaviness of guilt and pain in my heart.
“Do you not love me back?” he asked frowning.
“Then why are you doing this? Is it that you want me to rue the day I met and fell in love with you? Do you want us both to regret all the years that have been spent in vain?”
“No. . .” I whispered frowning. I did not know what I was to tell him. What could you tell the man that you loved that you could not love him any longer, save in your own heart? I could see in his eyes that he was so hurt, lost and confused.
“Why do you tarry? The hosts are leaving, whither you follow or not!” Came the sound of his brother’s voice as he ran up to us.
“Do not just stand here! Hurry!” His brother yelled, when he just stared at him.
A great shadow of panic came upon me as I realised that this was it. I had to leave him now or else I too would be drawn into this web of revenge.
Gathering all of the strength I could, I pulled him towards me and kissed his lips quickly, the pain of our skin touching each other etching into my memories forever more as I tore myself from him before he could stop me, grabbing my belongings off the white horse and running away from him, as fast as my feet would permit me.
I could hear him screaming my name but I did not stop running nor did I look back, despite the wrenching feeling that seemed to be tearing me psychologically apart.
I could no longer stop my tears, they would not cease and I could no longer bear the anguish within me.
Up the crystal stairs of Tirion I ran, feeling the undertow pulling me into the cold, harsh sea of pain and regret. I felt like tearing myself apart. Blinded by the tears in my eyes I tripped over the hem of my dress and fell to the floor, my body hitting the edges of each step painfully.
As if a main channel of me broke as I fell my whole body erupted into a fit of violent weeping on the stairs of Tirion, burying my head in my arms my belongings splayed out of their bag beside me.
How could I do such a thing to him? If I truly loved him I never would have put him through such pain. I should have never even met him at the bridge. I should have known what was happening. I should have known that our love was nothing more than a child’s dream. I did not deserve him or his love, I never would, not even in a thousand or more years. He deserved to go with his family and be free of me. He deserved to find a wife of his own kin from the house of Noldor and live with her in the Hither Lands.
My hands clutched vulnerably at the sleeves of my dress as I cried more at the thought of him loving any other woman but me.
The last blasts of horns echoed through the city and there was silence among the Noldor.
I stopped crying and looked up. Was that it? Where they already gone from Tirion? I stood up, my figure shaking with fear and I ran further up the stairs towards the top of the tower. Could they already be gone? I had to see what was happening. No. Please Valar, he could not be gone from me so quickly, like a leaf swept away by a breeze.
I thrust the door of a particular room open and ran inside, heading straight for the large arched windows that took up the whole wall.
Looking down I saw that they had not left yet as I had thought. They were all crowded together, listening to Fёanáro as he shouted fiercely to them. Then all of a sudden they all arose shouting the same thing, waving their banners highly in the air.
I small shuddering sigh near me.
I turned my head and in shock I saw her with her bright copper hair, leaning against the pole like she had not the strength to stand, staring at Fёanáro. It was Lady Nerdanel, the wife of Fёanáro, to whom she bore seven sons, all of which were leaving Tirion with there father.
She turned her head and looked at me. There were tears glistening in her eyes but they still had not fallen, unlike mine. She stared at me with a small frown as if trying to recognise me. I knew though that she couldn't know who I was, we had never met each other. I knew nothing of her, except that she was his wife and that now she was not leaving with him and shared the same grief as me.
“You are not the only one.” She whispered heavily, her voice raspy with grief and pain as if she had just read my mind. I stared at her as she turned back towards the crowd.
I could not believe that she was staying, she the wife of Fёanáro. How strong she must have been to stay behind whilst the rest of her family left. I felt sympathetic for her, even more so for myself.
How many others of the Noldor had stayed behind like Lady Nerdanel?
I looked back at the crowds, searching for him. I searched for bright blonde hair, as I always did when I searched for him amongst a crowd of Noldor. His hair was always distinguishable. Unlike his cousins he and his brothers and sisters had blonde hair, from their father who had Vanyarin blood and their mother who was of the Teleri. I had always thought of him as a Vanya, even though he was mostly Noldor. He was quiet of nature and gentle like us, which was most probably the chief reason why I fell for him.
All I could see as I stared down were the countless dark heads and copper hair amongst the banners and torches. I strained my neck to the end and saw Nolofinwë. He would be down the end with them too. All of the Noldor I saw here were of Fёanáro’s host.
I quickly ran from that room, heading towards Mindon. From there I would surely be able to see everything. Again up more crystal stairs I ran as fast as I could.
My heart was fluttering inside of me like a bird caught in a cage to small for its size. I was panicing at the thought of him leaving. I had to see him at least once more before he did.
At last I reached the top of the tower and I entered what could hardly be called a room. The very top of Mindon only had a ceiling and few pillars on which it founded upon.
I slowly walked towards the edge towards a pillar, my hair and garments floating around me from the wind. The sight below me was overwhelming. There were masses of Noldor below me, all ready to leave with fiery hearts or uncertain minds.
I felt the tears began to form in my eyes again as I distinguished him from his father. He was standing at the rear of the host with his family, looking at something in his palm. It was the wedding ring.
I took a deep breath trying to contain myself, holding on to the pillar for support and resting my head against it. With one last shout and blast of horns they began to depart from Tirion, Fёanáro’s host in the lead.
Tears slowly rolled down my cheeks, following the path made by former tears. He was leaving. Now. Forever. Without me. And there was nothing that I could do about it. Every kiss, touch and caress never would I ever be able to feel from him. They were now all memories. Memories of what was, what were and what would never be.
I felt like my whole soul was being sucked into some dark void, darker than Ungoliant and Melkor’s malice, as I watched him follow behind them, walking away from Tirion, from me, from us.
Never again would I see him again, until the very end, when we would both meet at Mandos, but how far away in the future was that? I now only owned him in my memory, where he would ever remain the loving, happy, placid boy I had met. He would never age nor mature in my eyes. For all ages he would remain the same to me as my own. My Inglor, my Artafindë, my Findaráto.
The Noldor went on into the dark horizon, towards their new life in the unnkown darkness of the Hither lands, leaving only the traces of their footsteps to show they had once roamed here. Swiftly like a clouds pushed by the winds they left and soon they, he, were out of my sight.
I slowly sank to the floor, leaning my wait against the pillar, sobbing. I didn't know what to do or what to think. So quickly could the course of our futures change. But there was one thing, through the anguish and pain I felt, that I knew would not change, no matter what my future and his held.
My Findaráto, forever he would stay.
In the great tower of Mindon Eldaliéva, the lofty tower of the Eldalië, the great tower of my king Ingwë, in the great white crystal city of Tirion, the Great Watch-Tower upon, the green hill of Túna, in the darkness I lay on the floor crying. Crying for me, for them, for us, for him. For my Findaráto. My Findaráto forever he would stay.
For my Findaráto I cry.
Fёanáro ~ Fёanor’s full name, given to him by his mother.
Nolofinwё ~ Fingolfin’s Quenya name.
Arafinwë ~ Finarfin’s Quenya name.
Turucáno ~ Turgon’s Quenya name.
Oiolossё ~ The most common name amongst the Eldalië for Taniquetil.
Inglor ~ Another one of Finrod's name
Artafindë ~ Finrod’s Quenya name.
Findaráto. ~ Finrod’s Teleri name, given by his mother who was a Teleri. Most used name for him.
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.