Filks from the Red Book: 9. Don’t Cry for Me, Figwit Baby (Legolas’s Theme)

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9. Don’t Cry for Me, Figwit Baby (Legolas’s Theme)

Author’s note:

This requires a bit of explanation. “Figwit” (an acronym for Frodo Is Grea... Who Is That?) is the dark-haired Elf extra sitting next to Aragorn at the Council of Elrond in the film version of The Fellowship of the Ring. The inventors of the name go by the handles “Arwenelf” and “InDUHvidual” at, or TOR.n. They eventually created a website,, and the phenomenon actually made the papers. This filk was written for them.

Sung by Legolas, in Silmarillion, the Musical. Based on “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina,” from Evita, lyrics Tim Rice, music Andrew Lloyd Webber. Silmarillion, the Musical title borrowed from “The Very Secret Diaries” by Cassandra Claire.


It isn’t easy to be so cool.
And I will not explain my techniques -
How I pluck and I groom and peroxide my hair.
You may be jealous -
All that you see is the swooning of crowds -
But now I’ve a secret to tell:
For you they’ll be equally loud.

You have to keep your silence, and keep that pout.
Arwenelf and Ms. DUH will make you
Nothing less than an icon, and a rival to me.
You’ll have a website,
Interviews too, what a thrill it will be.
Such fame as you’d never expect
For the character “Elf number three.”

But don’t cry for me Figwit baby!
The truth is, I will outlast you.
I’m in the next film
And the one after;
You’ll have your moment,
But hear my laughter.

For I’ll have more than your fleeting fame.
Yes, blonde hair will win in the end.
All the Hobbits will fall for my archery skills.
Though Sam may kill me,
Still I’ll travel with Frodo and you’ll be stuck here.
Although Elrond may fancy you still,
I will see if the Ringbearer’s queer.

No don’t cry for me Figwit baby!
For the truth is, I will outlast you.
I’m in the next film
And the one after;
You’ll have your moment,
But hear my laughter.

(Will I lose my looks?
There’s nothing worse I can think of in any day.
But since I left that Figwit guy in Rivendell
The prettiest I’ll stay...)

This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.

Story Information

Author: Celandine Brandybuck

Status: General

Completion: Ongoing Serial

Era: Multi-Age

Genre: Poetry

Rating: General

Last Updated: 05/02/04

Original Post: 03/08/03

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