1. Retirement Looms for the Elven Queen
I feel it in my water – it's the menopause,
Hits elven queens around the 3rd age,
So I'm going through a funny stage.
Celeborn's changed he's not the same,
Gets on my nerves, I think Gandalf's to blame,
He wanted to chat to him, you see,
He never bloody well talks to me!
The mirror's changed in myth and fable,
I said we shouldn't have switched to cable,
And Haldir's being such a bore,
Keeps flicking over to see the score.
Sauron's getting above Himself,
Seems to think he's a bloody elf,
But His weird ideas make me chortle,
You need a body to be immortal.
Now Mr. One-Eye wants to run the Show,
Says there's nowhere else to go,
He can have it all back – his ring as well,
And when Eru creates it, He can go to hell!
So now I'm thinking of taking a cruise,
Cabaret, Bingo, blokes and booze,
I'm not getting any younger my dear
And there's nothing really left for me here.
I suppose you can email me once I'm gone,
But I really just want to be alone,
So I'm switching the telepathy to answerphone.
Círdan says that I shouldn't adjourn,
So I've told him to make the ticket return,
Then if it really comes to the crunch,
I can catch up with Arwen and do lunch.
But right now I just need a rest,
I've done a lot and I'm past my best,
And an Elven Queen must bow to fate,
When She's exceeded her sell-by date.
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.