1. Scene I
Underlined words are film dialogue;
Everything else is probably the MST.
*TITLE: THE LORD OF THE RINGS*
Pippin: Dun dun DUN!
*Camera pans over the Caradhras mountains as voices drift in from the background.*
Legolas: Can someone please tell me why the mountain is talking, and *narrows his eyes slightly* why the mountain sounds like Gandalf?
Gimli: I think, Master Elf, that Gandalf is UNDER the mountain; or is that concept too advanced for you to understand?
Legolas: *Throws M&M's at Gimli*
Aragorn: Who convinced Gwahir to assist in this ridiculous project?
Gandalf: Gwahir would not stoop to such levels. They must have used other means.
Gimli: Perhaps they used one of the Nazgul's mounts.
Merry: Oh, that's just splendid. You mean to say that they can control those creatures? What else are they capable of doing?!
Gandalf : You cannot pass!
Aragorn: Oh yes I can! *gets up and steps backwards and forwards at invisible line* See? Back, forth, pass, don't pass!
Random Patron: Sit down, you fool of a Dunadan!
Frodo: (Gandalf) You haven't paid the toll!
Aragorn: Oh yes, Gandalf, Gandalf, it's always Gandalf! Mithrandir is the good friend of the masses! Mithrandir gets all the glory in the movie, and a makeover! And what about Strider? *mimics Frodo's voice* Orcs, Strider! Save me!
Frodo *exasperated*: I thought Gandalf was dead! How else would you expect me to react?
Gandalf: I am the servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor!
Sam (panting): I am Samwise Gamgee, gardener and hobbit. Don't do boats, don't do heights. I... I think I'm going to be sick!
Frodo: Not over here, you're not! (whole row shifts one away for safety's sake)]
Legolas: If it is a 'secret fire', you just blew it there; now you will have to kill the Fellowship for it to remain a secret.
Frodo: Shh! Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and.... *voice trails off as Sam offers Frodo popcorn. Frodo accepts, noticing the glares of a certain Elf wearing the badge of the house of Finrod*
*Camera pans closer to the mountain side.*
Sam: Eep! Ground!
Merry (from other side): Sam, let go of my arm before anyone gets any new slash ideas.
Gandalf: Argh! Go back to the shadow.
Aragorn: (Balrog, *whining*) But I don't wannaaaaa!
The Dark Fire will not avail you, Flame of Udun! YOU… SHALL NOT... PASS!!!
Pippin: What was that supposed to be? A spell of Demonic Constipation?
*Gandalf strikes his staff onto the bridge. As the Balrog steps forward, the bridge collapses from under it and the demon plunges backward into the chasm.*
Gandalf: Ha! Take that, and then some!
*Gandalf, exhausted, leans on his staff and watches the Balrog fall then turns to follow the others.*
Sam: Beggin' your pardon, Mr. Gandalf, but half the bridge just collapsed. Shouldn't you be running away?
Legolas: One of the great follies of our time. Far too much trust in faulty dwarven architecture.
Gimli: I beg your pardon?!
*At the last minute, the flaming whip lashes up from the depths of the abyss and winds around Gandalf’s ankle, dragging him over the edge. He clings onto the bridge but is straining to keep his grip.*
Gimli: You will note that the bridge is still intact and still supporting his weight.
Legolas: I also note that no one is rushing out to save him. If it is so safe, then where were you?
Gimli: (Balrog) If I'm going down, you're coming too!
*Frodo rushes forward but Boromir restrains him.*
Boromir: No! No!
Frodo: (Boromir) No, don't try and rescue your friend and mentor! That's just crazy!
Gandalf: What is it? You keep calling me!
Gandalf: Fly, you fools!
Balrog - I was TRYING!!
Pippin (teary-eyed): I *said* I was *sorry*! ::sobbing:: It was just a little pebble...
*All theatergoers' eyes become unfocused and stare unseeing into empty space, as they try to differentiate between the movie and what really happened*
Aragorn (with uncertainty): Nay, it was... much worse…
Legolas (confused): A... bucket?
Gimli (muttering): And... chain?
Agagorn: And an entire corpse, was it not?
Pippin (aghast): Why would I do something so blatantly foolish?
Boromir (smugly, for he is no longer to blame): Like throwing those stones into the water outside of Moria?
*All theatergoers' eyes become unfocused and stare unseeing into empty space, as they CONTINUE to try and differentiate between the OTHER movie and what really happened*
*Gandalf loses his grip and falls into the chasm*
Sam: Flap your arms, Mr Gandalf!!
Aragorn: Not one of your more eloquent moments, Frodo Baggins.
*Frodo shrugs and digs for more popcorn*
*Gandalf falls after the Balrog and grabs hold of his sword Glamdring on his way down.*
Aragorn (blinks): Is that possible?
Gimli: The sword is Glamdring. I am certain that our humble elf will inform us that for elven blades, all things are possible.
Legolas: Of course. But I would still like to know what happened to the rest of the bridge. Unlike elven blades, dwarven bridges leave much to be desired.
*As they continue to plunge into the depths, Gandalf hacks away at the Balrog even as it thrashes and bounces off the walls.*
Legolas: I think those two should cut down on their pipeweed.
*They continue to plunge at great speed, sometimes with Gandalf clinging to the horn of the demon.*
Pippin: And sometimes they are tickling each other and giggling like little girls.
*The battling pair then falls into an enormous cavern and plunges into the water.*
Merry: (Gandalf) Hope you can swim!
*Just then Frodo awakens as if from a nightmare.*
Frodo: (as himself) No! I don't want to kiss cousin Hyacinth!!
Gandalf: Stop calling me, you foolish Hobbit, I'm right here!
Sam: What is it, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Nothing. Just a dream. *Lies back down*
Sam: Was it that dream about the talking carrots again?
Frodo: *throws popcorn at Sam*
Merry:Perhaps this isn't the right time to mention this, but Pip and I are out of popcorn.
Boromir: Already? But we've only just begun!
-End of Scene I-
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.