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Aragorn: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual: 1. Aragorn: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***
You are now the proud owner of an ARAGORN! Please follow the procedures detailed in this manual in order to use your Heir of Isildur to his full potential.
Name: Aragorn (aka Strider, Dunadan, Estel, Elessar Telcontar, Thorongil etc etc)
Type: Human (male)
Manufacturers: Arathorn & Gilraen Ltd.
Date of Production: March 1st Year 2931 of the Third Age
Height: 6 feet
Weight: 185 lbs
Weapon Length: 48 inches (after surgery by the Elven smiths of Rivendell)
*** CAUTION *** The safe installation of your ARAGORN is a difficult task. It is essential that you read the following instructions before opening the crate in which your ARAGORN was delivered.
(1) Obtain the following items:
* Bottle of chloroform
* Pad of cloth
* Stiff-bristled scrubbing brush
* Anti-tangle shampoo for extra-greasy hair
* Bubble bath
(2) Run a hot bath into which you should empty at least three pints of bubble bath.
(3) Remove the lid of the crate and while your ARAGORN is still groggy from the journey, clap the chloroformed pad to his mouth and nose.
(4) Wait for your ARAGORN to stop struggling and then drag him into the bathroom.
(5) You will find that your ARAGORN is wrapped in torn, grubby, travel-stained pieces of material. Believe it or not, these are his clothes. Remove them with all speed.
(6) Manhandle him into the bath, making sure that he doesn’t accidentally drown.
(7) Apply soap to all your ARAGORN’s components and rub vigorously. Use the scrubbing brush on any stubborn stains.
(8) Apply shampoo to your ARAGORN’s head and rinse. Repeat six or seven times until his hair is clean.
(9) Heave your ARAGORN out of the bath and dry him rapidly with a hair-dryer on full blast. Speed is of the essence here, as you must complete the grooming procedure before the chloroform wears off.
(10) Use the comb to get the tangles out of his hair. Tug as hard as you like – he’s unconscious.
(11) Use the scissors to trim his fringe so that he stands a chance of being able to see where he is going.
(12) Dust your ARAGORN lightly with flea-powder.
(13) Dress him in whatever clothing you deem suitable (if any). If you own a BOROMIR model, he may be able to lend your ARAGORN a few items that will fit. Something with a white tree and stars motif may be appropriate.
(14) Wait for your ARAGORN to regain consciousness. Do not be surprised if, upon waking, he attempts to rush out into the garden and roll in the dirt. (Have the chloroform at hand, just in case.)
*** NOTE *** It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single owner in possession of an ARAGORN rarely waits to read the manual before unpacking him. If it is indeed the case that you couldn’t be bothered to peruse this document before feverishly yanking the lid off the crate in a wild rush of oestrogen, tough luck! The chances of you ever being able to wash your ARAGORN properly now are as slender as a willow wand. You will just have to put up with him covered in sweat and grease. Oh yes, his muscular, broad-shouldered frame will be forever smothered with dirt and grime, his lean body gleaming with a sheen of sweat, his dark hair hanging limply in his smouldering green eyes, his huge…
[NOTE FROM EDITOR:– At this point Theresa Green had to abandon her writing to enjoy an ice-cold shower and a brisk ten mile run.]
Your ARAGORN comes equipped with a variety of useful accessories:
(a) Elven cloak and brooch
(b) Pipe and tobacco
(c) Leather boots
(d) Winged crown
(e) Bow and arrows
(f) Silver pendant
Your ARAGORN will be particularly attached to the items (f) and (g). Under no circumstances should you try to take them away from him. You should even allow him to carry his sword in public. If he is stopped by the police (who have received anxious calls about a suspicious Rasputin-type character roaming the streets), simply tell the officers in question that your ARAGORN is a famous actor who is trying to get into role.
You may wish to improve your ARAGORN’s mobility by purchasing a horse for him. Three editions of ARAGORN’s horse are currently available – the HASUFEL, the ROHERYN and the BREGO. It does not really matter which one you buy for him, but be warned that in the event of your ARAGORN lying semi-conscious on the banks of a river, the BREGO unit may try to kiss him.
You might have your own ideas about the services that you would like your ARAGORN to provide and the location in which such procedures should be carried out, e.g. in the bedroom, on the dining room table, on the floor in the living room, up against the wall in the garage, that kind of thing. But there may be other tasks that your ARAGORN can accomplish without creating quite so much work for the divorce lawyers. For example…
It may come as a surprise to many owners, that a model with the remarkable destructive capacity of an ARAGORN is almost as good at patching people together as he is at unseaming them from the nave to the chops. If you can manage to pull Anduril out of his hot little hand and give him a first aid kit to wield, your ARAGORN can work wonders on those nasty little Ring-Wraith-induced injuries.
Children’s Party Organiser:
Your ARGORN is programmed to take superb care of small groups of children. Entrust him with your offspring and he will organise all sorts of activities for them. After acquiring a pony for your group of kiddies, your ARAGORN will lead them on a long, rambling walk through the countryside, showing them all sorts of flora and fauna. The expedition will encompass a sightseeing tour of the scene Uncle Bilbo’s troll adventure. Your ARAGORN will then lead a sing-along of old favourites such as ‘Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Mallorn Tree’, ‘Old Gil-galad Had A Sword, E I E I O’ and ‘I Was Only, 24 Leagues From Gondor’
*** CAUTION *** There is a small risk that your ARAGORN will get carried away and allow the rough and tumble during the party to escalate to the point where one of the children sustains a slightly lethal wound to the shoulder that will rob him of his immortal soul and leave his body an empty husk to be used as an instrument of profound evil by the Dark Lord of Mordor. But what the heck! Kids are always getting into scrapes aren’t they?
In the event of one of your pets or family members going missing, you will be able to activate your ARAGORN’s impressive search and rescue program. The codewords to trigger this modus operandi are, ‘Let’s go hunt some orc!’ Thereafter the sight of a single bent blade of grass will be enough to set your trusty Ranger on the trail.
*** CAUTION *** Once the search and rescue routine has been enabled, you may find it almost impossible to deactivate. Your ARAGORN will run relentlessly across the countryside, tirelessly scanning the ground for discarded brooches, isty-bitsy footprints etc.
*** NOTE *** If he falls hopelessly behind the mislaid family member, you may have to send an EOMER model to intercept him and provide your ARAGORN with a faster mode of transportation.
The difficulty of getting an ARAGORN to take a wash has been documented widely. One expert goes so far as to suggest that there is a ‘scruff’ gene passed down from generation to generation of Numenoreans (Dr. Jasta Elf, University of FanFiction, 2002). One option is to lure an ARAGORN into a bath by using an unwrapped ARWEN model as bait in the hope that the ensuing horseplay causes a least some of the dirt to be removed (or at least relocated). If this fails, you may have to use the chloroform left over from when you first unpacked your ARAGORN.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
A well-travelled model such as the ARAGORN has a high degree of compatibility with a great many other units.
*** NOTE *** Your ARAGORN may be known to the other model under a different name. Please see the list below:
Model ~ ~ ~ ~ ~Refers to ARAGORN as…
FRODO ~ ~ ~ ~ Aragorn
MERIADOC ~ ~ Strider
PEREGRIN ~ ~ ~Strider
SAMWISE ~ ~ ~ Mister Strider, Sir
GLORFINDEL ~ ~ Dunadan
BILBO ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ The Dunadan
GILRAEN~ ~ ~ ~Estel
EOMER ~ ~ ~ ~ Wingfoot
BILL FERNY ~ ~ Longshanks
BOROMIR ~ ~ ~ My Brother, My Captain, My King (only when dying or drunk)
ELDARION ~ ~ ~ Daddy or Ada
ARWEN ~ ~ ~ ~ Honeybunny/Sweetcheeks/BigBoy etc
LEGOLAS ~ ~ ~ Aragorn or (in ‘slash’ mode) Honeybunny/Sweetcheeks/BigBoy etc.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: What star-sign is my ARAGORN?
A: Your ARAGORN was originally unpacked from a GILRAEN model on March 1st which makes him a Pisces. Pisces are by nature determined, courageous and loyal. Lucky flowers – elanor and niphredil. Lucky colours – black and silver. Lucky number – 9.
Q: My ARAGORN doesn’t have a necklace. Instead he has a great stone of clear green, set in a silver brooch wrought in the likeness of an eagle with outspread wings. What is the reason for this?
A: The brooch was a gift from his grandmother-in-law, as a token of hope. Under no circumstances should you say, “My word, what a gaudy piece of tat!”
Q: I own both an ARAGORN and a Mk II LEGOLAS. My ARAGORN seems upset because the Elf criticises his time-keeping and tells him that he ‘looks terrible’. What can I do?
A: Console your ARAGORN with the thought that he may be unpunctual and scruffy, but at least he has a girlfriend – LEGOLAS only has GIMLI to keep him warm at night.
Q: I recently checked the odometer on my ARAGORN only to find that he had done more than 27,000 miles in the last year! Most of it on foot! Can this possibly be correct?
A: The ARAGORN model is renowned for its impressive annual mileage. After all, he is a Ranger. However 27,000 miles does sound a bit much even for an ARAGORN. It is possible that you have been issued with a European version of the ARAGORN, in which case he has actually covered 27,000 kilometres.
Q: My neighbour has GIMLI and LEGOLAS units. Every morning the Elf and dwarf go jogging past our house. My ARAGORN looks longingly after them, so I allow him join them in their training runs. Now he tells me they have formed the ‘Three Hunters Athletics Club’ and are entering the London Marathon. Have I made a mistake?
A: No, it is perfectly safe to let an ARAGORN run with a GIMLI and LEGOLAS. You may be astonished just how far they can get in the space of a few days. Don’t be surprised if they telephone from Edinburgh asking you to post them the train fare home. As for the London Marathon – why not let your ARAGORN enter? He might even win a prize for best fancy-dress costume.
*** NOTE *** You may want to warn your friend that it is potentially dangerous for a LEGOLAS to run in the London Marathon due to the prevalence of seagulls on the Thames Estuary. (He might be able to compete if he wore earplugs and a blindfold.)
Q: I have heard that it is possible to breed from my ARAGORN. Is this true?
A: Yes, it is. It involves carefully inserting the extension lead of your ARAGORN into the socket of an ARWEN unit. The technical details of this procedure can be found on a variety of Fan Fiction sites.
*** NOTE *** Do not be confused by some Fan Fiction writers who insist that it is possible to breed from an ARAGORN by plugging him into a LEGOLAS model. The union of these two models may result in many phenomena (e.g. broken bedsprings, keening cries of passion etc.) but a child is not one of them.
Problem: Your ARAGORN persists in sloping off down to the pub of an evening, where he sits in a corner, wrapped in his cloak, unnerving the clientele.
Solution: Your ARAGORN has reverted to ‘Strider’ mode. Send your children down to the pub to chat to your Ranger. He will almost certainly follow them home to keep them safe.
Problem: Your ARAGORN doesn’t glitter.
Solution: Don’t worry – he’s still gold.
Problem: Your ARAGORN keeps getting telephone calls from a GLORFINDEL model asking when ARWEN intends to return his horse.
Solution: The horse in question is an ASFALOTH model. His ownership has been a bone of contention since the 1980s when a LEGOLAS unit rode him. More recently, in 2001, the ASFALOTH unit was hijacked by an ARWEN model and ridden with reckless abandon through groves of trees and across flooding rivers. The best tactic for your ARAGORN unit is to keep out of the argument. After all GLORFINDEL once battled with the Witch King of Angmar, so knocking the stuffing out of a little King of Gondor wouldn’t be much of a challenge.
Problem: Your ARAGORN is distraught because he has lost his pretty necklace.
Solution: Find your nearest Mk II LEGOLAS. He will have found the necklace and kept it safe.
Problem: Your ARAGORN is being stalked by a blonde woman whom he met at the Pony Club. She says that she has an injured arm that she would like him to have a look at.
Solution: Rent a FARAMIR unit for the weekend. She will quickly be distracted and leave your ARAGORN alone.
Problem: Your ARAGORN’s choice of friends does not meet with your approval. His best mate, HALBARAD, keeps popping round with thirty or so weather-beaten blokes who stand around looking grim and drinking all the beer in your fridge.
Solution: Blame the nearest GALADRIEL model for reminding your ARAGORN to invite HALBARAD and the lads round. Console yourself with the thought that the Boys from the North always seem to bring the SONS OF ELROND twin-pack with
them, so at least you will have something pretty to look at.
FINAL NOTE – GUARANTEE
Your ARAGORN model is under guarantee until March 1st Year 120 of the Fourth Age. (That’s 1541 for owners living in the Shire.) Thereafter you may find him somewhat unresponsive. If you own an ARWEN model, she will go for a bit of lie down in Lothlorien at this point. Any LEGOLAS and GIMLI models in the vicinity will finally finish that ship that they have been constructing out of matchsticks for the last 120 years, and set sail for Valinor.
However do not despair! Contact your nearest Heir of Isildur dealer and ask for the latest ELDARION model. He is sure to provide the first-class service that you have come to expect from the race of Elendil.
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