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Flawed and Fair: 8. EXTRAS -- Not an Actual Chapter
As I have tried to make clear, this is not an actual chapter. This is just a mess of random bits and pieces, meant to resemble the Extras section of a DVD. (Although, obviously, rather different in format.) The Extras include: a fic summary, the full text of both the Orc-Slaying and the Spider-Slaying Ditty, and a few (hopefully) interesting links.
I do know that putting this up here is rather self-indulgent. I only hope that it is somewhat amusing, to my less discerning readers, at least.
First, I have written a PWP epilogue to Flawed and Fair. I am linking off-site because this story, being a plotless self-indulgence and not a standalone, is unlikely to get into HASA. I should also warn people that it is more explicit. And I did mention it was plotless, didn't I?
Then, here's a drawing of Ecthelion inspired, in part, by this fic. I think the picture is absolutely lovely. Also, the dour expression on his face seems rather in character. (There are other works by the same talented artist on the web-site, as well.)
Most people will have noticed that Maedhros and Fingon are rather thoroughly slandered in this story. In Beth Winter's Valour and Honour, the Finwian half-cousins get a chance to respond to all those nasty rumours.
And while I'm being completely self-referential, here are some rather odd discussions of three imaginary Flawed and Fair sequels or spin-offs. And Spiders in the Mist: An Arachnid Love Story has, indeed, been written, and accepted into HASA.
THE EVIL-SLAYING DITTIES OF THE GONDOLINDRIM
Here are the full versions of both the songs, which I judged to be both too long and too gory for the actual fic.
The Orc-Slaying Ditty
Our arrows are flying,
Our swords brightly glowing.
The Orcs are all dying!
Their black blood is flowing!
Their blood's flowing freely!
The orcs are all dropping!
Once their blood starts gushing,
Orc limbs need some chopping,
Orc heads need some crushing!
Their brains turn to jelly!
Oh, we love patrolling!
Oh, truly 'tis thrilling,
When orc heads are rolling!
No joy like orc-killing!
To slay orcs is jolly!
The Spider-Slaying Ditty
(As composed by Egalmoth of the Heavenly Arch, who never gets the credit he deserves.)
The spiders are reeking!
They beg for a thrashing!
They'll die with much shrieking,
Once our blades start slashing!
Giant spiders are smelly!
Our bright blades are stabbing!
The spiders -- expiring!
This feinting and jabbing,
I find it quite tiring!
Down there in the valley!
The spiders are dying,
And still they keep stinking!
It's really quite trying,
I'd rather be drinking!
This song is quite silly!
FLAWED AND FAIR: CLIFFS NOTES VERSION
Here is a concise summary of the fic, written for those who do not wish to struggle through thousands of words to get at the smut. (Which, incidentally, can be found in chapters five and seven.) Or, perhaps, for those who cannot read the Glorfindel subtext.
Chapter One: Introduction
Ecthelion: Woe is me! I hate myself, for I have Unnatural Desires. And inappropriate dreams about Glorfindel.
Glorfindel: I just thought I'd pop by and tell Ecthelion that I have lustful thoughts and dreams. Not sure why, really.
Ecthelion: *Is too busy staring at Glorfindel's hair to hear him.*
Chapter Two: Cliche Alcohol-Related Fumbling Scene
Egalmoth: I am to be the second member of Aredhel's escort. Let's have a party.
Partygoers: *Drink, sing, etc.*
Glorfindel: I am going to miss Ecthelion. *Drinks.*
Ecthelion: Glorfindel is drunk. It is surely my duty to take him home.
Glorfindel: Wow, Ecthelion looks very attractive. I think I will take off my clothes and start rubbing his shoulder in a suggestive manner.
Ecthelion: I hate myself for desiring someone who is not only male and sloshed, but also completely uninterested in me.
Sergeant Exposition: Hey, Ecthelion, you are going with Aredhel, too.
Chapter Three: Plot and Pretentiousness
Glorfindel (blushing): Um, Ecthelion, about last night... Did anything happen?
Aredhel and her escort: *Leave Gondolin.*
Aredhel: Obey me, oh lesser beings, for I am Finwe's grandchild. We will ride to Himland, through Doriath.
The Elves Of Doriath: No you won't, not if you want to visit a Feanorian. *Spit.*
Aredhel: Fine. We will ride to Himland, through the Valley Of Dreadful Death. Ooh, I can't wait to kill something, preferably a spider.
Glorfindel (irrelevantly): I think that love between two warriors can be a beautiful thing -- it is a pity that Ecthelion thinks it is hideous and obscene. But I do hope that he is impressed by how patient I am around the most irritating woman on Arda.
Ecthelion: Glorfindel is clearly in love with Aredhel. I hate myself for minding.
Chapter Four: Mostly Action
Everyone: *Fights some orcs.*
Ecthelion: *Has a dream that rather defies summary.*
Aredhel: I have a great idea! Let us go annoy some giant spiders.
Everyone: *Fights some giant spiders.*
Ecthelion: This chapter is kind of boring and lacking in slash. Glorfindel, why don't you give me a backrub?
Glorfindel: Good idea. Incidentally, I am not in love with Aredhel. And I think you are the most attractive person I know.
Ecthelion: *Remains oblivious.*
Everyone watching this, including the giant spiders: *Is starting to find his obliviousness irksome.*
Chapter Five: Cliche Fake-Dream Scene
Aredhel: My guards seem to be on the verge of dragging me back to Gondolin in a sack. I think I will take one of our two remaining horses and leave.
Everyone else: *Is too busy fighting spiders to follow.*
Ecthelion: My first-aid techniques leave much to be desired. *Falls over.*
Glorfindel: *Drags Ecthelion into a secluded shelter.* You know, I have been obsessed with you since the Ice.
Ecthelion (oblivious as ever): What an interesting dream! *Fondles Glorfindel.*
Glorfindel: Woohoo! And yet -- hasty, impersonal pity-sex is not exactly what I had in mind. I am so embarrassed now.
Everyone: *Follows Aredhel, fights spiders.*
Egalmoth: *Conveniently disappears.*
Ecthelion: *Gets a clue.* Glorfindel, I am sorry I molested you.
Glorfindel: That's fine -- those were the best three minutes of my life.
Ecthelion and Glorfindel: *Kiss.*
Lurking spiders: Aaaaw. Cute.
Chapter Six: Lots of Talking
Ecthelion and Egalmoth: *Sing.*
Spiders: *Lurk less.*
Ecthelion: Glorfindel, I think you and I should just be friends.
Glorfindel: Um, okay. Like that will last.
The three guards: *Arrive in Gondolin.*
Turgon: I am very angry with you. Leave me, for now.
Ecthelion: *Kisses Glorfindel.* Oh, that was so wrong. We must never speak to each other again. No, I will not be swayed by logic.
Glorfindel: That works out fine -- I am the least logical person I know. For one, I believe that being gay will prevent me from rejecting women. I also believe that you owe me something for giving me the best three minutes of my life.
Chapter Seven: More Talking, but also Smut
Turgon: Go about your work, you three, while I force this fic to be consistent with the Silmarillion.
Salgant: Oh, look at the three great warriors who are scared of spiders! *Sings.*
Ecthelion: *Channels his inner Bitchy Gay Artist.*
Glorfindel: I am worried that sleeping together will ruin our reputations.
Ecthelion: That is so wrong, because--
Glorfindel: Ah! You have convinced me! Let's have sex.
Ecthelion and Glorfindel: *Have sex.*
Ecthelion: Oh Eru! What have I done?
Glorfindel: Allow me to distract you from your internalized homophobia with more bad logic. For example, did you realize that having more sex will help us defend at the city?
Ecthelion: Yes! And make us better at slaying Balrogs!
Curtain: *Falls on weird hair fetish scene.*
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