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Discussing: The Green Flash

The Green Flash

If you folks would be so kind, please take a look at The Green Flash, and make any comments or suggestions. This is the first piece of fiction I've written since my college days (very long ago). It seems to me a vast improvement on the Mary-Sue-ish stuff I wrote then. *wonders where it all went, hopes it's never found again* This fic grew very quickly, outward from the kernel: the titular green flash. The embedded fairy tale sprang fully formed from my subconcious. Once Cirdan came along on the trip, I think he just told it to me. DrummerGirl Edit - well, all the links seem to work. Please let me know if I've goofed something up.

 

 

Re: The Green Flash

Welcome, DrummerGirl! We're delighted to have you ! As a displaced seacoast dweller, now marooned inland, I found your story quite moving, awakening my memories of the tang of sea air in the morning, the cries of the gulls, the kiss of the fog on a late summer evening...sigh! My only , very slight quibble, would be with the title. Although it may have been this atmospheric phenomena that inspired you to write, and your description of the green flash is a wonderful part of the story, the main focus seems to be on your fairy tale. I would think that the title would reflect this aspect of the story a bit more. But I hate to think of titles, so please don't ask me for any other suggestions! Sorry! Ann

 

 

Re: The Green Flash

Hey DrummerGirl, Good story. Very sweet, but not overly so. I also found the writing style very Tolkien-esque, which is something many authors here at HASA strive for but find quite difficult to obtain. The fairy tale was well done, simple and fairy tale-ish. Also, although the emotion was generally restrained, I found some lines quite poignant, for example: In a corner of Sam's mind, a picture of Rosie and Elanor glowed small and bright, wrenching his thought away from the sea. "Not yet," he whispered, feeling wretched. "Not yet, but someday." The use of 'wretched' was perfect, I thought. Overall, I found no typos or glaring mistakes. Is brine referred to as just "brine," or "the brine." I'm not sure, but that was my only quibble. Well done! Aeneid

 

 

Re: The Green Flash

Hi, Ann Thanks for your comments. My only , very slight quibble, would be with the title. Although it may have been this atmospheric phenomena that inspired you to write, and your description of the green flash is a wonderful part of the story, It does seem to be a hard, pointy title for a soft, moody piece... Eh, if something occurs to me, I'll try it here. the main focus seems to be on your fairy tale. Hmm, the fairy tale really came as a freeby. I'd hoped (once Cirdan came along) that the climax of the story would be his and Sam's conversation. I wonder if I should try to emphasize that a little more? On the other hand, it turns out to be kind of symmetrical: - travel to shore - pointy green flash - fairy tale - pointy stab of sea-longing for Sam - leave shore Fancy that! Anyway, things to think about... Thank you. DrummerGirl

 

 

Re: The Green Flash

Thanks, Aeneid! I also found the writing style very Tolkien-esque, which is something many authors here at HASA strive for but find quite difficult to obtain. I have this very handy AnachroMeter; it comes in fashion colors, fits in your pocket and reliably detects anachronisms in both phrasing and vocabulary. May I interest you in one? Actually, that's what I was striving for - I'm happy to know that I've succeeded. It helps that I've read LOTR countless* times. Is brine referred to as just "brine," or "the brine." I think it's like "water" or "fish" - with or without "the". "The brine" seems to work better in this sentence with "the sea birds". Hmm, maybe the whole sentence would work better if I lost a couple "the"s: They heard the cries of sea birds and smelled the sharp tang of brine. How's that? DrummerGirl * somewhere between fifteen and twenty by now. Another author to get your ear in the archaic mode is William Morris, whose style is even more antique. Check out E.R. Eddison, too.

 

 

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