Subtextual Fanfictionalia
1. Subtextual Fanfictionalia
A/N: Rocky Horror Picture Show meets Middle-earth's fractured fanfic continuum in a parody of "Sweet Transvestite". Legolas, with the help of Gimli and Aragorn, undertakes to explain a few things...
There comes a knocking. A familiar figure stumps over from the scantily clad figure lounging on the couch in the room beyond the door to answer it. The door opens to reveal two girls, standing there goggling at Gimli son of Glóin... in fishnets. Cue music...
Legolas (from couch):
How do you do?
I see you've met my faithful Dwarven man
He's just a little brought down because
When you knocked
He thought you were the Dúnadan
Fangirls get strung out by the way we "cook"
(Classic judgin' books by their covers)
See those ears? Not a Man by the light of day
And by night I'm one hot elven lover
I'm just a sweet princely bite
It's my subtextual fanfiction alias
Gimli:
Why don't you stay for the night
Or maybe a pipe?
We could talk about that bookish description
Because you're making a man from some hair and a fan—
Fictionally lurid obsession
Fangirl 1: "Lurid obsession?"
Legolas:
Let me show you the scene, maybe explain a few things
You look like you're both pretty confused
Or if you want something visual
That's not too abysmal
We could leaf through some old reviews
Fangirl 2:
I'm glad we caught you at home
Could we see your, uh, bow?
We're both in a bit of a hurry...
Gimli (sarcasm):
Right!
Aragorn (arriving then):
Don't think that you'll get far
You don't know what we are
But you'll soon understand, don't worry
Legolas:
Well we got caught in the act—
No, not like that—
The fanfic scene's mad antics:
With the stroke of a pen
We're all in love with men
(Though the writing's pedantic romantic)
So I'm sweet "Leggy lite"
Yeah, a subtextual fanfiction alias
Why not stay with "Lego-bite"?
Aragorn:
"Lego-bite"?
Legolas (evilly):
Or the "king of Gond-whore".
Fangirls:
But—
Gimli (suggestive):
I could show you my favorite obsession
I've been doing a man
With blond hair but no tan
And he's good for relieving my tension
Legolas (coy):
I'm just a sweet princely bite
Oh subtextual fanfictionalia!
Hit it! Hit it!
I'm just a prince of no might—
Fangirls:
"Prince of no might"?
Aragorn:
It's subtextual
Fangirls:
Fanfiction alias?
Legolas:
So yeah just rewrite me
I'll show you my... 'tree'
I see you shiver with antici...pation
But it's never me
So ladies be free
Oh I'll be all you want
In fanfiction
The lyrics to "Sweet Transvestite" are here (although the extra verse in the beginning comes about because I was listening to the Anthony Stewart Head version, and he does repeat a verse).
The soundfiles are here
.
This is a work of fan fiction, written because the author has an abiding love for the works of J R R Tolkien. The characters, settings, places, and languages used in this work are the property of the Tolkien Estate, Tolkien Enterprises, and possibly New Line Cinema, except for certain original characters who belong to the author of the said work. The author will not receive any money or other remuneration for presenting the work on this archive site. The work is the intellectual property of the author, is available solely for the enjoyment of Henneth Annûn Story Archive readers, and may not be copied or redistributed by any means without the explicit written consent of the author.
